Recovering Perfectionist

Sometimes the thoughts in my head get so jumbled up that the only way I can make sense of them myself is to write about them.  The past few days I have really been struggling with myself.  If you know me at all, you know that I am a MAJOR perfectionist.  I have been since I was a little girl.  I can remember coming home from kindergarten and practicing my letters over and over again because I wanted my teacher to think they were perfect the next day.  So weird that I have always been that way because no one in my life has caused me to be that way- it is completely self-inflicted.  But my entire life I have been bound by this extreme sense of perfectionism and pleasing everyone.  It has only been in my adulthood that I have been able to let go of my desire to make everyone happy.  I know having a child has helped me do this.  I now understand that no matter how pure my intentions are, no matter how hard I try, not everyone is going to like me.  Not everyone is going to see the true Jessica and what is inside my heart, even if I try to show them.  And I am sure that I do the same to people, which I hope God changes in me over time.  This wanting to be "perfect" in everything almost became an obsession for me throughout my life, which only led to many disappointments- mostly in myself (not to mention probably one of the main causes of my health issues).  I have always had the most encouraging, loving family and friends, that no matter what my failures in life, have always stood beside me and loved me despite myself.  And thankfully, I have a God who loves me unconditionally even when I fail.  Sometimes my failures seem much larger to me than they probably really are, which makes it so difficult for me sometimes to just accept God's grace for what it is- a gift.  I honestly feel like I cheat myself out of truly experiencing the fullness of God's grace.  I constantly feel like I need to prove myself to God, that I can be deserving of his amazing gift.  But the truth is, I will NEVER be deserving of it.  That is what makes it a gift.  It is something that is  completely and rightly undeserved.  So it is a constant battle within myself to get over my self-loathing enough to simply say "thank you" and let God's love fill my heart.  And the only way I can give back at all to Him is with gratitude, praise, and living my life the way He wants.  By sharing His gift, I am honoring his gift to me.  This is something that is far from being perfected in my life, but I am striving for daily.  "He must become greater, I must become less." John 3:30

This song puts my feelings into words FAR better than I can.

For What It’s Worth

Sidewalk Prophets

For what it’s worth
I’ll give all that I have
Without ever looking back I’ll follow you
For what it’s worth
I will offer up my life
As living proof of what Your love can do
I will run and not grow weary, I will walk and not be faint
I can’t sing loud enough
I could never earn Your love
I’m just a glimpse of the hope You see in me
Hold my heart in Your hands
Jesus, help me understand
I can only give my life, for what it’s worth
For what it’s worth

I am standing here amazed
By the wonders that Your mighty hands have made
I don’t deserve
To be covered by Your grace
So with every breath the least that I can say
I will run and not grow weary, I will walk and not be faint
I can’t sing loud enough
I could never earn Your love
I’m just a glimpse of the hope You see in me
Hold my heart in Your hands
Jesus, help me understand
I can only give my life, for what it’s worth

I will give my all to You my king
There is nothing more that you ask of me
I will lift will lift my voice, and I will sing
There is nothing more that I can give a king
I will lift my voice, I will lift my voice
I can’t sing loud enough
I could never earn Your love
I’m just a glimpse of the hope You see in me
Hold my heart in Your hands
Jesus, help me understand
I can only give my life, for what it’s worth
I can only give my life, for what it’s