Happy (Almost) New Year!

Well, since I failed at my December blog challenge to myself I am making a resolution to blog more than last year.  Often, I have things to say I just don't remember to sign in and blog!  But a lot of changes are coming for Brian and me in 2011 and I would love to be able to share them with everyone.

I started this blog in hopes that my situation over the past 3 years might help someone else who was going through something similar or just any difficult situation in general.  Sometimes I am very blunt, but I have always thought of my blog as a way to share my feelings and say what is on my heart.  I am not perfect.  Sometimes I get hurt, upset, angry...but don't we all at times?  We are, after all, only flawed humans.

Lately I have felt like I needed to share my struggle with depression a few years back.  It is something that was very difficult for me and something that I don't generally like talking about.  But I really feel that there are more people than I know out there who has struggled with depression at one time or another.  Whether it be themselves or someone they care about.  Life can be hard.  But thank the Lord we have each other to lean on and others experiences to help us along.

You can read about some of my journey here and also here. 

I still have days when I tend to want to be negative and depressed.  But I really do feel like with God and my family, I have defeated the demon of depression that haunted me so much not too long ago.  Whenever I feel myself headed in that direction, I thank God for all of the things he has blessed me with and all my problems seem to fade away in comparison to all that I have.

Best wishes for the best new year possible.

Christmas Failure.

Well, there goes my blogging everyday for a month.  It is Monday and my last blog post was Thursday.  Merry Christmas, everyone!

The Ugly Cry

Today's Christmas memory is about my sweet little boy.  On his first Christmas, he was not quite 5 months old.  One night, he was sitting in his dad's lap watching me wrap Christmas presents.  He seemed fascinated with the sparkly bows.  He kept reaching out for them and smiling so sweet.  So I took one of the bows, peeled off the plastic, and stuck it on his tummy and said, "Merry Christmas!"

Bad idea.  Very bad idea.

He went into an immediate hysterical cry.  I mean UGLY cry.  Like lost his breath, turned scarlet red cry.  I felt like the worst mom ever!  I thought he would love the bow, but apparently he thought otherwise.  I mean this kid cried for a good 2 minutes over that stupid bow!  Eventually he calmed down but I never offered him another bow. 

As I was looking back on pictures from his first Christmas, I can't believe how much he's grown.  He had his first Christmas meltdown (via bow), his first taste of cereal and first look at a Christmas tree all in the same month.  Sometimes I wish he were that small again, but then I think of how much fun he is now.  His own little person.  But I wouldn't trade those memories for the world.

Brian's First Christmas

Christmas Memories

Since today is December 1st, I have decided to blog everyday for the month.  I was inspired by one of my very best friends in the universe and her amazing feat of blogging for a month. Which, by the way, you did a wonderful job, Becky!  Her blog posts are MUCH more entertaining than mine (not to mention written from across the globe).  So my blogging for the month is going to be a reflection of memories from Christmases past.

Christmas Eve Night-mare :)

When I was a little girl, we used to spend Christmas eve with my 2 aunts and my cousins Ross and Jenny in the city.  Here is a picture of Jenny and I on my very first Christmas.  I was 9 months old.

I have so many memories from those Christmases that I will be sharing, but one that stands out in my mind is the year that I had the crud scared out of me.  My cousin Jenny and I were in bed listening to a Christmas book (which incredibly they still publish and I bought a copy for Brian!  It is a scratch and sniff) when the grown ups thought it would be a good idea to make us think Santa was at the house.  So my grandpa went outside the bedroom door and banged on pots and pans so that we would think Santa was really there!  I remember pretending to be excited, but inside I was FREAKING OUT.

You see, I was always terrified of Santa.  In fact, it's safe to say I was relieved when I found out the man wasn't real.  I mean, I appreciated his gifts, but preferred to be out of the house when he dropped them off.

So maybe it was just me who was scared to death of all the commotion outside the window.  Or maybe Jenny was scared too.  Who knows?  Looking back, it was one of my best memories because my grandpa went to such creative lengths to make us happy and give us a special Christmas memory.  Thank you, Papa.

All You Need is Love- Part 3

Today I am thankful for my baby boy.  I am thankful for him every second of every minute of every day.  I love him more and more each day even though it seems like my heart couldn't hold any more.  He brings me more joy than I have ever known. 

Some reasons why I love my Brian:

• The way he says his name is "Brinan" because he can't say Brian that well yet.
• The way he panics if he can't find his stuffed Mickey Mouse.
• His beautiful blue eyes.
• His laugh when you are tickling him and he just can't stand it anymore.
• How even though he has 25 million Lightning McQueens and Thomases, he always wants another one and turns down any other toy you might offer him at the store.
• How much he LOVES Italian food.
• That people say he looks just like me :)
• The way he says "Love you, Mom!"
• How he doesn't like his hands to be dirty at all.
• His beautiful, kind, sweet heart towards others.
• How he worries about someone if he sees they are upset.
• The way he calls my mom "Ninny"
• How he loses either Woody or Buzz on a daily basis and we have to put out an APB and search the house for them.
• How he doesn't like to wear stickers, but likes to put them all over me.
• How he gets upset when you offer him crayons to color, because he "don't want craynons, Mom!  I want markers!"
• How he loves to hold hands with his mommy.
• That he is protective over me, even at 3 years old.
• The way he looks at night when he is sleeping.
• That he yells "help, Mama, help!" over everything.  Even if it is just needing a juice refill.
• How every single time we pass a WalMart, no matter where we are, he always excitedly says "toys!"
• The way he calls Goofy on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse "Goopy"
• The way he sings "Jesus Loves Me" nearly every night after we say "amen".
• How he makes kissing noises and says "awwwww" when he knows he is about to get in trouble.
• The way he looked up at me after he was born and they put him in my arms.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!!

Love is All You Need - Part 2

Today and everyday I am thankful for my new fiance.  The wonderful man that God brought to me and my son just a little over 9 months ago.

Some reasons why I love Wes:

• He loves me exactly the way I am.
• He makes me feel beautiful even when most of the time I feel far from it.
• He loves my son in a way that amazes me daily.
• He loves and respects his parents more than any man I've ever met.
• He tries to make me feel special every single day in some way.
• He can make me laugh until I can't breathe.
• He is a goober.
• He can make every show on the Food Network hilarious.
• He loves the word "awesome" and uses it 500 times a day.
• He gets so excited about food.
• He loves the Lord with all his heart.
• He prays for me and my son and our future family.
• He is supportive of me and Brian in every way.
• He is a Dave Ramsey man.
• He puts up with my sometimes over-sensitive heart :)
• He dislikes Bobby Flay as much as I do.
• He encourages me to do things that are important to me.
• He never allows me to be negative about myself.
• He communicates with me about everything.
• He only makes fun of me minimally because I have never seen Top Gun or the Princess Bride.
• He shares my love of Phil Collins.
• He taught my son how to "raise the roof".
• He always seems so proud to be with me.

Love is All You Need- Part 1

I have noticed that a lot of the blogs I read and a lot of the people I am friends with on Facebook have been writing about what they are thankful for in honor of Thanksgiving this month.  I decided to be a follower and do the same.  But just about the loves in my life.  So I am thankful for my mom and dad today every single day.


Some reasons why I love my mom so much:

• I used to never be able to fall asleep when I was little without holding her hand.  
• She has the most sensitive heart of anyone I know.
• She is one of the funniest people in the world.  
• We always have the best time together.
• I can talk to her about ANYTHING.  
• She has never judged me -or anyone else- about the things I have done.  She has always supported me on everything.
• She has always made me feel like the most beautiful person ever since I was a little girl.
• She has taught me how to be a good mother to my son.
• Everyday she sacrifices all her time to take care of my boy while I am at work.  And to me, that means never having to worry one bit.
• She has always gone above and beyond to help me out.  Especially the past 3 years.
• She always tells me she's proud of me.  But she will never know just how proud I am of her, too.
• I have always felt so special because of her. 
• She used to surprise me every Valentine's day morning by putting a box of my favorite candy, a card, and usually something cute to wear in my bathroom so I could see it when I went to get ready the next morning.  And she did this all the way up to my last Valentine's day at home.  And now she still does it at my house :)
• She is THE most SELFLESS person I have ever known.  She will give anything she can and do anything she can do to help another person out.
• She is beautiful inside and out.
• She makes the best broccoli and cheese casserole in the world.  And lots of other things that make me gain weight.
• She encourages me EVERY SINGLE DAY. 
• She is the strongest woman I know.  She is a fighter; especially for the people she loves.

I could keep going and going....there would never be enough blog space for how much I love that woman.


But I can't forget the reasons why I love my dad so much:

• As a child, he convinced me that he was one of the original Solid Gold Dancers.  If you were around in the 80's, then you totally know who they were.  And he did such a good job of convincing me that I went to school and bragged to everyone about my "famous" dad.  Needless to say, I got made fun of and realized I had been deceived.
• He used to make me face my fears unintentionally.  Like when he would push me down the grocery store aisles backwards in the cart and I didn't know where I was going to end up.  Or when we would be swimming at the beach and he would go under with a wave and stay there for what seemed to be like 30 minutes to me while I floated helplessly in an intertube.  Then pop up laughing only after I had nearly reached the point of tears.
• He is a man that has never been ashamed to show his love for his daughter.
• How he sings along to almost every song on the radio even though I have NEVER heard him sing any correct lyrics EVER.  He makes up his own, but usually knows the last word of every line if they rhyme.
• He is the hardest worker I know.
• He always provided for his family, no matter what the cost.
• He taught me how to love "The Sound of Music" and he sings a mean "Edelweiss"
• He has the most contagious laugh and is so funny.
• He is always upbeat and in a positive mood.
• He rarely thinks about himself.
• The best head-rubber-while-you-are-falling-asleep on the planet.

I could not have been blessed more than I have with the two best parents God has ever made. 

One at a time

I wanted to share something funny that Brian said last night.  We were playing the Toy Story Memory Game in his room after he got back from his dad's house.  I dumped all the pieces out on the rug and explained to him that we were going to find matches.  Since he is a beginner at the Memory game, I left all the pieces facing up instead of down so it would be easier for him to see.  It didn't take long for him to get the hang of it.  He was actually better than I was at finding the matches!  After he had about several matches, I picked up a card and said "Brian, can you help me find this match?"  Well, apparently he was already looking for one because he sternly pushed the card back towards me and said, "One at a time, Mom."

I laughed so hard.  Maybe it was the tone in which he said it.  Maybe it was "the look" he gave me when he said it.  Or maybe it was just because I am the mommy and he was being bossy.

Whatever it was, it was just too cute.

He works all things out for my good

Wow, what a weekend I had.  I celebrated the 9 month anniversary of our first date with my sweet boyfriend and he surprised me by becoming my sweet fiance!  That's right- I AM ENGAGED!  After the sweetest proposal ever, the man who God so graciously brought into my life 9 months ago to the day asked me to be his wife.  And I have never been more excited!  And I noticed something that maybe he doesn't even remember (he was pretty nervous and shaky).  But when he was sharing his heart with me, he constantly kept telling me that he loved someone else too- my son.  He will never know how much that meant to me.  Brian was with his daddy this weekend, so he wasn't a physical part of our engagement but he was definiately part of it at heart!  We went to Redrock Canyon Grill and had a wonderful dinner to end the perfect anniversary!  And did I mention my ring is BEA-UTIFUL!!?!?

On a serious note, let me say that I give 100% of my happiness to God.  I can remember 2 years ago, my life was dramatically different than it is today.  I had a beautiful one year old who I adored but I was walking in one of the darkest times of my life.  I was facing my first holiday season on my own which was heartbreaking and scary for me.  Sure, I had the most amazing family that anyone could ever be blessed with (especially my beautiful mama who was my rock) but I am very family-oriented and facing the holidays alone was tough.  I wanted to play Christmas music and decorate the tree and eat Thanksgiving dinner with my son and husband.  But I didn't have one anymore.  All this babbling gets me to my point- GOD WORKED EVERYTHING OUT FOR MY GOOD.  I probably grew more as a person during that time than I ever had before.  I became less shy and more self-sufficient.  I realized that I could do a lot on my own- work 2 jobs, raise a beautiful boy, make a home.  Now all this wasn't without help. I COULD NOT have done it without my family and God helping me everyday.  But I can remember leaving my job teaching 4 year olds from 9-3 and going immediately to the office to work until 10 at night and being so tired and so discouraged at times.  I was tired, didn't feel like I got to spend enough time with my son, stressed financially, stressed from the worst divorce ever.  There were times when I would be driving home and I would wonder if there was someone out there for me who would not only love the Lord, but love me and my son as well. 

Life got easier.  God worked it out for me to be home with Brian more and not be stretching myself so thin.  And I started to get stronger and happier.  I knew that my life was better.  And so was Brian's.  And God worked every negative thing out for my God.  I just had to let him instead of trying to control it myself and be mean, bitter, and angry. 

And now, 2 years later, God gave me an amazing man that I get to share my life with.  I could never say enough about my future husband.  He is wonderful.  The best of the best.  I will forever be thankful for him and for God changing my life over the last nearly 3 years of this life changing journey.

Thankful

Have you ever had a moment in the day where you just have to stop and thank God for everything in your life?  That usually happens to me at the most random times.  Today, it was as I was driving back to work from my lunch break.  I was at a stoplight and just felt the overwhelming need to thank God for all that he has (undeservingly) blessed me with.  And I want to share some of them.


1)  God's unconditional love for me.  Never ceases to amaze me.  Thank you, Lord, for sending your son for me.
2)  My precious son.  I know I say it a million times, but I have never experienced a love like that in my life until the day the doctor laid Brian Joshua in my arms.
3)  My beautiful family.  He gave me the best.  A mother who is the perfect reflection of God's unconditional love and a dad who has always shown me love and support.  So many extended family members (and friends who I consider family) that are always there for me.  And 9 months ago Saturday, God sent me a man who I never imagined I would find who loves me and my son with all his heart.

I could list about a billion things, but have to say that there is nothing as important as these.  I hope everyone takes the time every once in a while to thank God for the blessings in their life and never take those beautiful blessings for granted.

Not-So-Creative November

I really wish I had something creative to blog about, but I just can't seem to find it in me so far this month.  Nothing bad has happened,  just been feeling so run down lately.  I officially lost 19 pounds on my diet!  I wanted to lose 25 but I think my body was telling me otherwise because I just kept hanging onto those last 6 pounds and started feeling AND looking bad.  Not a great feeling when people start telling you, "hey, you look so skinny!  But you look bad, too!" :)   Pale & exhausted just weren't worth it anymore.   So I am moving into the stabilization part (phase 3) which means no more HCG drops, and increasing my calorie intake to around 1500-1800 a day.  I also get to have dairy and good fats back which I cannot express how happy that makes me.  Cheese please!!!!!!!  Oh, and NUTS!!! :)  The exciting part is that because you are still eating so healthy and low cal, that people often continue to lose a little more weight and inches.  Plus I am ready to start working out again.  I've missed it and my body has really missed it.

I would have to count this diet as being very successful.  It was tough and took a lot of self-discipline and contrrol but I was able to accomplish the 2 things I wanted:  losing some weight and reducing my blood pressure medicine (down to a half of a pill now!) and just feeling better in general.

It is Friday afternoon at work and it is so incredibly boring that I have been doing absolutely nothing productive.  In fact, after finishing today's blog, I may just take a little nap :)

Have a great weekend!!

Apples and Chicken Make Me GAG!!!!!!

Okay, so I am on day 21 of my diet.  I have lost 16 pounds in this time.  I am only required to go 2 more days on this phase.  UGH.  I could quit no problem because I have already accomplished what my doctor wanted- I got to reduce my blood pressure medication in half! YAY!!  But I knew when I started this that I would get caught up in the excitement of losing so much weight.  And I did.  And now I would like to lose at least 9 more pounds.  BUT the thought of continuing this diet any longer kinda makes me want to gag.  Actually, apples and chicken make me want to gag.  Because that is what I have been eating a lot of lately.  I am not ravenously hungry or craving bad things, I am just bored to tears with this limited food selection that I am allowed to eat.  So I am trying to decide what to do.  Maybe I will get lucky and lose the 9 pounds in 2 days????  Ha :)

And God bless my son.  I am sorry, Brian, for making you eat apples and chicken baby food when you were an infant.  Please forgive me.

Losing it!

As you know, I have struggled with very high blood pressure for the past 7 years.  I have been to cardiologists, other doctors and the cause of my HBP still remains a mystery.  There is no family history of anyone having it this young (I was 22 when I first began taking medication.  And even on medication, over the years there have still been times when it has been very high) and I am not extremely overweight, so diet and exercise really have never played a role in lowering it.  Back in March, I joined the Y and decided to go workout everyday on my lunch hour with a co-worker of mine.   Kind of an accountability partner to keep me going.  I was very faithful in doing this as well as trying to follow a low sodium, low fat and calorie diet of around 1200 cals.  I lost a few pounds and a good amount of inches and felt more toned, but I still felt very tired and like I said earlier, it did nothing for my HBP.  I was frustrated.  Here it is October and I did not feel much better after almost 6 months of intense (500 calorie) workout sessions.  It was time for my bi-yearly bloodwork at my doc, so I again pestered him to help me find an answer for more energy.  I also really wanted to lose a little bit of weight.  At least 10 pounds but would have loved to go out on a limb and lose 20.  He tested my blood to see if my iron or B12 levels might be low causing my energy to be so low, but those came back normal.  My blood sugar was high though and my cholesterol.  WEIRD. Anyway, this leads me to the exciting part of my post :)

My doctor recommended the HCG diet.  A lot of times, people with HBP or diabetes can go on this diet and come off their medications completely or reduce them because of the positive effect that it has on the body.  I won't bore you with the details but you can read about it here www.hcg4anewyou.com.  I had heard about this diet before, but thought it was just a fad diet so I was very interested when my doctor recommended it and also provided the services for it in the office.  Well, that was last week.  I started on October 10th and today, ten days later, on October 20th, I am down 11.5 pounds!  And the BEST part is that I FEEL so good.  I have so much more energy and just feel so much better.  As excited as I am about losing the weight I wanted to (and I am!!) I am just as excited about feeling like a 29 year old again instead of an 89 year old.  The minimum number of days at a time to be on the program is 23 and the maximum time is 40.  I will probably only need to do the 23 day program since I am so close to reaching my goal weight.  Then I will begin the stabilization part of the program which is the vital part of helping my system regulate.  I am excited to see if I am going to be able to reduce my medication!  Can't wait for that!  Anyway, I was going to document each day I am on the diet with photos and progress and menus, but I was away from work for a week so I got behind.  But if anyone wants any info, I would be happy to answer whatever I can.  And I will definitely be posting updates as I finish up!  Looks like my ending date will be around Halloween.  Wish me luck!!

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1.02.28

Day Out with Thomas!

When "A Day Out with Thomas" rolled around last year, Brian had gone cold turkey on Thomas.  His name was never spoken, he was never played with- he was a memory of toys past.  But since this year he is full on into Thomas again, we decided to take him to see the cheeky little train in person.

As we were walking through the parking lot and he saw that huge Thomas from a distance, he pretty much lost it.  I don't think I have ever seen my son so excited before!  Yelling, running, shaking!  He just couldn't get there fast enough!

We all had a blast.  Brian was such a good boy the entire time.  There was a tent where there were lots of train tables to play with and LOTS of kids wanting to play with them.  However, there weren't very many actual  trains so Brian would patiently wait his turn.  A few times while he was playing with a train, another kid would come by and yank it out of his hand.  But my sweet boy never got upset.  He just started playing with something else and waited his turn again.  I love that boy!

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1.02.28

The Other Man in My Life

Everyone who reads my blog (all 2 of you, I'm sure) is probably wondering why I have been blogging everyday this week.  Well, I'm bored at work.  You can get a LOT of blogging done when you have absolutely nothing else to do for 8 hours.


So, I feel like it is time to introduce the blogging world to the other man in my life.

Meet Wes.

He is one of the biggest blessings that my son and I have received in the last 2 1/2 years.  God brought someone so special into our lives and so unexpectedly.  I thought I would share our story.

As I have written about before in my blog, in June of 2008 my marriage ended suddenly and without warning.  It was the most difficult time of my life.  Dealing with the emotions of loss and fear (and with a 9 month-old at the time) took a very long time.  I put up a lot of walls emotionally in order to protect the new life that God helped me build for Brian and me.  I never wanted to deal with the kind of pain that took me so long to overcome.  After the longest divorce ever (a year was long to me anyway when you are trying to heal) I actually felt a contentment that I hadn't had before.  God had provided me with a wonderful job that allowed me to maximize my time with my son since going from stay-at-home-mom to full-time working mom was a very hard transition to make.  He had also given me the greatest family who offered me their unconditional love and help along the way, as well as some amazing friends.  I felt blessed and happy after everything that had happened.

Then came the idea of dating.  I was never a big fan of dating in my younger years.  It was just a time of being super nervous and not really being yourself around someone you didn't really know that well.  And the thought of ever doing it again wasn't appealing to me.  Especially since I was now 28 and had a baby.  But people seem to think that "getting back out there and meeting people" helps.  And friends sometimes want to set you up too.  So I did that a little bit.  But deep down still felt like I was better on my own.  I was soooooo picky. And most importantly, I had a son that deserved the very best.

Then came Wes.  Wes and I went to jr. high and high school together but never had a single conversation.  Never had a class together.  Didn't even have any mutual friends.  But you know how facebook is.  You are friends with people on there simply because you graduated with them.  Which is how we were.  One day, while updating my status, I notice that Wes had posted something about Phil Collins music being his guilty pleasure.  I am a HUGE HUGE HUGE Phil Collins fan, so of course I had to comment about it!  And a few days later, Wes is kind enough to post on my wall that David Cook (the love of my life) is going to be on tv.  I probably should have fallen in love with him on the spot for that one since every other male I know makes fun of my for loving David.  But that's another story.  Anyway, the next day I get a message from Wes asking me to dinner.  And I.did.not.want.to.go.  Period.  I really wasn't interested in dating anymore after having such bad luck in the game thus far.  But after some convincing from my mom and one of my very best friends Becky, I decided that I'd go.  I mean, it was just dinner.

That dinner turned out to be the single best date of my life.  It was so comfortable, so easy to talk to each other.  We shared struggles that God had helped us through and shared what He was doing in our lives.  That was February 13th.  Our date only lasted 2 hours, but we have been a part of each other's lives ever since.

It didn't take long for God to show both of us that we were going to spend our lives together.  As many fears and issues as I had from the past, those just seemed to melt away the more we got to know each other.  We share so many goals in life and God has given us so many similar visions and desires.  And the best part?  He loves my son with a passion.  And Brian loves him just as much.  He supports me, encourages me, loves me despite my flaws.  He makes me feel beautiful and special and treats me like God intended.   And he makes me laugh harder than anyone ever has.  He is hilarious.  We genuinely love and respect each other and that was a new concept for both of us.

I asked Wes later on in our relationship what made him send me that message asking me to dinner when we didn't know each other at all really.  He said he just really felt like it was something he needed to do.  But deep down I think we both know that it was really God :)

I really didn't know if God would bring me someone.  I thought maybe it would just be me and Brian.  And I was okay with that, but deep down I wanted a family so much.  God wanted that for me too because He is going to bless me with such a beautiful one with Wes and Brian someday.

The Art of Manipulation

Had a funny story that I thought I'd share. Last night Brian was being, well, let's just say less than his usual precious self. Scratch that.  He was being super onery.  Like super, super onery.  He had gone to bed late the night before and was up at the crack of dawn so his behavior left a lot to be desired.  He was whining about wanting to watch Thomas and since he wasn't behaving, I turned on Oprah.  I don't think he's a fan, because his whining really escalated.

"Watch Thomas??????  WATCH THOMAS!!!!!!!!!" 

"No, you weren't being kind so Mommy's going to watch her show."

"BARNEY!!!!!!! (where did this come from?!) WATCH BARNEY!!!!!!"

"Nope.  Sorry."

At this point he takes off and throws himself onto the kitchen floor, where he skins his knee a little bit.  I do genuinely think it hurt because he actually cried a little.  Brian NEVER cries unless he is actually hurt.  He is a tough cookie.  And he is very clumsy so if he cried everytime he fell, he would have no tears left.  So I run over to him to look at his boo-boo.

"Buddy, are you okay??"

"BOO-BOO!!!" (While crying...well, actually now it's more of a little whining mixed with some fake crying)

"You want me to kiss it?"

"Kiss it!"

So I did.  To which he replied- are you ready for this-

"Tank you, mom.  But Barney make it better." (with a little puppy dog face)

And how did I respond? I turned on that stinkin' purple dinosaur. 

I was manipulated.  I am willing to admit that. But who taught him that???  Surely not me!  That must be something they get upon birth.  That, or he got it from his dad :)

The Great Halloween Costume Debacle

Another Halloween is fast approaching and I am yet again faced with the nearly impossible task of finding one for my son.  Now, I love my son dearly, but he makes this very difficult for me.   Let's recap the Halloweens of the past:

1st Halloween- "The Cow"

Now, you would think that a baby's first Halloween costume would be the easiest.  I mean, they are babies for goodness sake.  And Brian did okay with the hood on his head.  It was when I painted his nose that sent him over the edge.  Hence, his facial expression in this picture.

2nd Halloween- "The Bee"

I caught so much backlash from this costume that I don't think I will ever live it down.  Let me rephrase, I caught so much MALE backlash.  Practically ever man that heard about this slammed me for being an unfit mother.  If I had to hear "men aren't supposed to be bumble bees" one more time....Anyway, apparently Brian felt the same way.  And so began the hatred of hats/hoods.  And I was thankful bees don't need their faces painted because we all know what happened last year (see "The Cow" above)

3rd Halloween- "The Pirate" (aka "The Homeless Boy with Tattered Clothes)

Finally we have a smiling Halloween picture!  BUT as you will notice, he is not wearing his pirate hat.  So aside from the skeleton-looking undergarment and sword holder (or whatever you call it) you cannot tell what his costume is.  The ripped look of this costume led me to affectionately rename this costume "The Homeless Boy with Tattered Clothes".  Again, no facepaint (although I would have liked to add a little beard or mustache) and no hat.  

4th Halloween -??????

So, that leads me to this year's costume. Here are some cute ones I found, but reasons why they would probably not work for Brian.

Mickey Mouse

 

But without the ears, he would just look like a weirdo. NEXT!

Yoda

But without the hood, he would just look like he was wearing a monk's robe. NEXT!

The Cat in the Hat

Minus the hat = Unidentified animal with a bowtie.

So as you can see, I am at a loss.  Please. Help. Us.  

Brian's First Trip (and maybe last) to the Movies

As I was logging in to blog today, I realized I had never shared the story of Brian's first trip to the movies. And since it is WAY too entertaining NOT to share, I decided that it would be the topic of my blog today.

So a few months ago, I decided that maybe Brian was ready to go see his first movie at the theater.  I figured he is almost 3 (at the time) so he should be able to sit for over an hour.  He had really started liking movies like Cars, and Toy Story so I decided that I would take him to see Toy Story 3.  My mom agreed that he would probably really enjoy it, so we chose a time and decided to go.


You see, I think maybe Mommy goofed up before we even got to the movies.  All weekend I had been pumping him up by saying "Are we gonna go to the movies!?  And eat popcorn!?"  He would get so excited!  So he just kept saying, "Movies!!"  (which actually came out more like "Nommies" and I have no idea why because when talking about a DVD, he would say "Moobies".  Go figure.)  So I actually think he was sick of hearing about these movies and it taking forever for the time to actually come.


So we get to the theater and order our snacks.  Brian loves popcorn and I am sure he loved the movie popcorn even more because the only popcorn I feed him at home is the Smart Pop kind that tastes like cardboard (but hey, it's healthy, right??).  I am sure his little system went into butter overload with just one bite.  We settle down with Brian between my mom and me.  He was a little fidgety during the previews, which I will admit were a little boring.  So the movie starts and let me tell ya, I was probably more excited to see the movie than my son. 


Fast forward about an hour.  That's when things really get good.


I am very much into this movie and Brian starts REALLY getting antsy.  During the action scenes he is yelling "BUZZ!!!!!" when he thinks Buzz is in danger.  Thankfully, it wasn't a packed theater.  Then he decides it might kinda be fun to attempt to climb over the chair in front of us.  I finally make him sit on my lap which he really doesn't appreciate, but does anyway because he does not have a choice.  I had heard this movie was a tear jerker so I had been preparing myself for the ending, all the while thinking it would be ridiculous to cry over some animated toys in the first place.  It was getting to the very last scene when I decided I would let Brian go back to his own seat.


But I guess he needed a little snack because he proceeded to eat some popcorn.  Not from the bucket.  But off the nasty, gross, sticky, disgusting movie theater floor.


At this point, I have a huge knot in my throat and tears in my eyes.  I would like to say it was all because of the movie, but I really think part of it was because my son was eating popcorn off the dirty floor.


Needless to say, Brian will be staying home from the next  movie.  Although to give him a little credit, I thought he did great to sit as long as he did at 2 years old.  My mom gave him a F.  I gave him a C- for effort :)

First Day of "Pre" Pre-K

Yesterday marked my baby (well, not so much) boy's first day of "school." While I am relived that he isn't actually school aged yet, it is still hard nonetheless. Brian has been going to the Little Sprouts Learning Center at our church ever since he was about 6 months old. He started out in what is affectionately known as the "baby room" and now he is in the big-boy 3 year old class. I am going to be honest- I have been a little worried about this year for a couple of reasons.

1) Brian stopped going to Little Sprouts last year in September. I am about to admit something right now that is going to make me seem like a lunatic, but I pulled him out because of all the swine flu hysteria. Yes, I was one of those mothers who watched and read all about the bad stuff and wanted to wrap my child in a little bubble. So needless to say, Brian would be out of the whole going to school routine.

2) We are (as everyone knows) in the middle of potty training. He is doing exceptionally well- staying dry for almost 3 hours at a time, using the potty more frequently, not crying about it...So I was a little concerned as to how this was going to be affected by school. On one hand, I thought maybe seeing the other kids go would encourage him even more. But then again, my son is a routine, one way or the highway kinda guy.

So even though he was very happy when I dropped him off and didn't shed a tear (total opposite from last year) I was still very apprehensive. Well, lucky for me, those two things really weren't an issue!

But naptime sure was.

It was not good.

Not good at all.

I think the exact words were, "Got up and ran around throwing his blanket."

My heart sank. My well-behaved, always sweet, easy-going baby boy did not do the right thing at naptime. I was immediately sent into a depression that his teachers were going to label him "that kid" and that they would cringe when they saw him coming down the hall. After being told how overly-dramatic I was being (hoping for an Academy Award...fingers crossed!) I realized the truth.

It was his first day of school in almost a year.

There were 15 other little bodies in that room.

He is a 3 year old.

Better yet, he is a 3 year old BOY.

So after I had the evening to get ahold of myself, I realized that he IS going to be "that kid"- the one that radiates kindness and always thinks of others. The one who always has a smile on his face and a Lighting McQueen in his hand. I believe in my baby and I know that it's just going to take a little time before he gets the hang of this naptime thing.

Brian and McQueen's ride to school.

Holding Ninny's hand.

Sometimes life is funny

Something I saw on facebook this morning made me realize just how much life can change in just a short amount of time. And just how fast plans can change. I am a person who plans. Anyone who really knows me, knows this. I have always had a plan. And I have always made sure I followed it perfectly. For most of my younger years, my plan was to make straight A's and go to college to become an elementary school teacher. Well, I worked and worked until I was able to achieve that goal. The next major goal in my life was to meet a wonderful man, get married, and build a life together. Well, as much as I tried, that one didn't work out the way I had planned. And it was tough. You can dearly love someone and have the best of intentions, but it still not work out the way you wish it would. You can think that someone or something is the best plan for your life, but only God truly knows if it is best for you or not. It is our job to trust that He knows best. When I did marry, I wanted so much for it to be like I had always imagine and planned for marriage to be. But again, I was left brokenhearted and this time, alone with a baby. A baby that was even "planned". After 4 years of marriage and contemplating a family, we "planned" to start trying for a baby. That plan certainly came into reality, but just a short 9 months later, my marriage ended. Funny how some plans are fulfilled only to have others end.

My point in all this rambling is that I always felt like I was in good control of my life. I had a plan, and knew what to do to achieve it- or so I thought. The truth is, God's plan is the only right plan. On my own, I have been known to mess up the best laid plans by my own ignorance or motives. With God's plan, we still have to seek His help in not messing up what HE is doing by trying to take over ourselves. It is not easy and it is something that still baffles me. I have always wanted to follow "God's Plan" but most of the time I had no idea what His plan was. The thing I have learned from my years on this crazy planet is that following God's word IS His plan. If I place Him first in my life and follow His ways, then I WILL be following His plan for my life. This allows Him full control of my life to start fullfilling His perfect plan for my life. I have not always understood what has happened in my life, but one thing I have learned is that "God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them." (Romans 8:28 NLT). I have to remember this when I get down because things aren't going MY way. It isn't my way that should be done...

I am ashamed of myself.

I cannot believe it has been over 2 MONTHS since I last blogged. Especially when you take into consideration how much down time I have at work, I should be blogging everyday! Well, not too many wild and crazy things have been happening in our world lately but I will give you a little update!

1) Potty Training- Don't ask, don't tell. Just pray. (By the way, when Brian graduates high school I'll be sure to send everyone a senior picture of him wearing his diaper.)

2) New (sorta) Car- My stepdad gave me an old company vehicle (2003 Toyota Corolla) that is in great shape! I am using this car for work and when I am by myself so that I can keep as many miles as possible off my 08 Nissan so it will last us longer! When Brian is with me, we make sure to use the newer, more dependable car. And let me tell ya, the Toyota is GREAT on gas!!

3) Brian is Almost 3!!!- I cannot believe my baby boy will be 3 exactly 2 weeks from today. We are going to have a fun little shindig at Chuck E. Cheese and then are planning on going to Great Wolf Lodge with Grandma soon to really celebrate! I seriously can't stress enough how big my son's heart is. I am blown away by the compassion that God has placed in my little guy's heart already. I KNOW he is going to be quite a tool in God's toolbox someday :)

Well, that's about it. Like I said, not too many wild and crazy times. Although I do have some pretty scary potty training stories I could tell...

Life's Little Blessings

Usually I am the Queen of Budgeting my money. I am very obsessive about being organized and planning for everything, but sometimes the best plans can get blown away by life's little unexpected issues. Like the fact that my car tag was due and my homeowner's association dues all came up at the same time. Being on a single income doesn't give much wiggle room, so needless to say I was going to come up very short (like non-existent short). I wasn't even sure that I would be able to tithe, which I really struggled with. I knew I had bills that I owed, so I had an obligation to pay those back. I finally decided that it was more important to give God back just the little that He requires of what He gives me. For a control freak, this was a little scary to me because I was really going out on faith considering it would absolutely take all of my money. I do not like to borrow money from my parents AT ALL (even though they would help me in a heartbeat). So I was just hoping I could make it 2 weeks without needing extra gas or food :)
Like I said, I am a control freak. I don't like surprises. I need a plan. A checklist. An in case of an emergency plan. But I was determined to try to let go of that and have faith that God would provide. That wasn't easy- let me tell you. But God did something wonderful to show me just how big He is compared to my worry and finances.
My mom called me at work yesterday afternoon and told me I had gotten a check in the mail from the hospital. As all of you know, it has been about 4 months since I got all those tests run. I paid my copayments at the time and didn't really think anything about it because I really wasn't out a ton of money with them (maybe $100). I asked my mom to open it because I could not imagine what it would be for, and it was a $70 refund check. Didn't say what for, just said "refund". To make one of my typical LONG stories short, it may not have been a ton of money but it is exactly enough for gas and some things that we typically run out of every week like milk or juice. There was NO doubt in my mind that God has showed me that He WAS taking care of me and that by choosing to put Him first, He was being faithful to me. Boy, was I humbled. And thankful!! I have always heard really cool stories about God providing in mysterious ways like that, but never experienced it myself. It is something that I will never forget.


***On a lighter note, my son's "Week of Nightmarish Behavior" 2 weeks ago (and let me tell ya, I can't emphasize NIGHTMARISH enough) has turned into 2 weeks of the best behaved, most kind little boy. So my having to punish him practically every day during that time has really paid off. It is nice to see that you didn't do time-outs and early bedtimes for nothing! :)

Unconditional Love

Last night Brian was in such a good mood when I got home from work. We went to the grocery store and he chattered the ENTIRE TIME. He literally sounded hoarse when we got home due to all the talking. We ate dinner(he has actually been eating decent lately! Yay!) and then we went for a walk around the neighborhood. That is why I love this time of year- not too hot, not too chilly. It is perfect weather for walking. I could tell he was kinda getting tired and it was getting close to bedtime. He kept wanting me to pick him up and carry him. He would hold out his little hands and say "I luz you!" and what would I do? Of course, I would pick him up and carry him as far as I possibly could without fainting(my neighborhood is very hilly!). When we got back home, I told him we could watch a little "Wuzzy" (which is his way of saying "Wubbzy" which is-unfortunately- his favorite show right now) but we had to put our pajamas on and brush our teeth. GASP. How DARE I ask my child to brush his teeth? He apparently thought this was the most horrible thing I could ask him to do. He threw a fit. Kicking his legs, pushing me away, "No, Mommy!" the entire 9 yards. I told him he was not being kind and I put him in time out which usually works wonders for him. After his 2.5 minutes (hehe) I asked him if he was going to be a good boy and let me brush his teeth. He went into fit throwing mode again. When I tried to approach him with the toothbrush, he REALLY went into fit mode. I figured he must be tired or cranky or both because he usually has no issues with me brushing his teeth. So back to timeout he went. But this time, he deliberately tried to scoot out of his corner. He then ran and jumped on the couch and laughed! I picked him up and took him into the bathroom where I put him on his step-stool in front of the mirror and told him we were brushing his teeth no matter what he wanted. He started hitting at my hands and just being AWFUL!! Since timeout had failed twice, I took him into his room, put him in bed, told him since he couldn't obey, he was going to bed early. And that he did- almost an HOUR early. He was so upset- crying like crazy. I told him I loved him, but that he couldn't act that way. Then I left and listened to him cry for what seemed like a bizillion years(even though it was probably only 10 minutes- he fell asleep FAST).

The point to this long-winded story is that I felt worse about the whole thing than he did. He was over it in about 5 minutes- it pretty much made me upset all evening. I don't regret doing it. His behavior was unacceptable and he needed to understand not to do that. But I felt TERRIBLE. I always want my son to know how much I love him and even though his behavior warranted consequences, it still hurt me to have to watch him go through that. I slipped in his room before I went to bed and gave him little kisses all over his face. I just needed him to know that I still loved him, no matter what he did.

It wasn't until driving to work that God used that crazy story from last night to remind me of His love for me. How often have I done something that was not good for me or acceptable behavior and had to suffer the consequences of my actions? Probably more than I could ever begin to blog about. And I know that even though learning from those experiences is good for me and helps me grow, I know it must not be easy for God to watch His child who He loves so much go through that. Just like I didn't like seeing Brian become so upset. But just like I still showed Brian that I loved him, I know that the entire time, God is right there reminding me of His unconditional love for me. How amazing that becoming a parent has helped me discover a side of God that I had yet to know.

This made me laugh so hard...because I can relate!

A Toddler's Bill of Rights: The Potty Proclamation

1. Please let me go at my own pace.
Help me, but don't push me to do things before I'm ready.

2. Please understand that I have accidents and make mistakes.
Remember that everyone has accidents as they learn. I'm not doing it on purpose.

3. Please understand that I will do things differently than other children.
I have my own style. Don't expect me to be the same as other children you know.

4. Please praise me for my efforts, not just my successes.
Sometimes it will take awhile for me to "get it." What's important is that I'm trying. I'll get there!

5. Please understand when I become frustrated.
I really want to be able to do the things big kids can do, even though my body won't always let me. Please be patient and understanding when this happens.

6. Please understand when I am suspicious of plumbing.
Toilets and drains are big and noisy and scary. I need to know that they won't hurt me.

7. Please let me take a break when things are stressful.
I can't always learn something new when there are big changes in my life. At times like these, please understand if I need additional support and have to relearn skills you thought I had already mastered.

8. Please understand when I am concerned about what happens to my body.
Everything about my body, even my potty, is important to me. I need to know what happens after I flush the potty.

9. Please understand if I giggle and act like a child.
After all, I'm just a kid. Sometimes I get overwhelmed.

10. Please explain things to me in ways I can understand.
Sometimes I can't make sense of the things people say. Help me by using words that I feel comfortable with and can understand.

Oh, what a Thursday!

Okay, so yesterday has officially gone down in the Jessica Marie George history book as one of the CRAZIEST days ever.  There I was at work, minding my own business, feeling productive when I looked at the clock and noticed it was almost time for Brian to come up.  He spends every Tuesday/Thursday afternoon with me at work and then his dad comes and picks him up for a few hours.  I was excited so I met him outside and he wanted to run around the parking lot.  It was a beautiful day so I thought that would be fun.  WRONG.  Because he inherited my gracefulness (ha) he tripped over a parking space boulder and went flying through the air and landed ON HIS FACE.  Panic started to set in and I felt like I lost all feeling in my legs.  See, Brian falls about a MILLION times a day (seriously) and he usually gets up and just says "I okay!".  He is a tough cookie.  So when he cries, he is HURT.  Well, he lifted up his head and started to cry and blood started literally pouring from his mouth.  I wanted to throw up, cry, run away, etc...I picked him up and he was screaming, "MOMMY!  MOMMY!"  We rushed him into the office and into the bathroom and tried to get the bleeding to stop so I could look in his mouth.  I didn't know if he knocked out some teeth, bit his tongue!  There was so much blood!  I finally got to check it out and it was just his top lip that was busted.  Poor little guy.  He was so brave.  I literally felt drained the rest of the day after that happened.

Fast forward to Thursday night.  I was pretty much glad the day was coming to an end and was enjoying some cuddle time with my fat lipped baby.  When it was time for Brian to go to bed, I thought I would lay next to him for a few minutes since he'd had a rough day.

Bad idea.  Bad, bad idea.

He was being a typical little boy, wrestling with his blanket when "BAM" the back of his head hit me in the eye.  It hurt so bad and instantly brought tears down my face.  I seriously halfway expected to look up and see starts dancing around my head like in cartoons.  I couldn't help but cry and I felt so bad because Brian kept saying, "I sorry, Mommy!  I sorry!  You alright?"  Poor little guy.  I tried to reassure him between choking sobs :)

Needless to say, I put myself to bed soon after that.  And I have a lovely souvenir to remember yesterday by. 

I was relieved to wake up this morning to start a new day.  I went to Walmart to get some soda for the office and as I was leaving a 12 pack of Pepsi fell out of my cart and busted all over the floor and onto me.  Nice....I don't know if today is going to be better or not...

Forgiveness - Part 2

 Okay, so my last post was about forgiveness and how I was able to find that in my broken marriage.  But I am still struggling with another area of forgiveness.  There were a few people who have just beat me up emotionally over the past few years in many different ways- by words, actions.  These people have caused em a great deal of pain and anxiety.  It seemed to me that their mission in life was to make mine miserable.  To run me into the ground every chance they got.  I can't say that I was angry with them, it was more of a deep hurt and not being able to understand why they chose to do these things.  I guess maybe it did lead to anger eventually because of the frustration of why it continued to happen and why it was happening in the first place. 
  I was told today that I needed to let go and forgive them.  I thought that I had already forgiven them, but then I realized, had I really?  If I had truly forgiven them, wouldn't I have the same peace about it that I have with my ex husband?  If I had truly forgiven them, then why was I continuing to be held down by what had happened in the past?
  Forgiveness is NOT easy.  It is probably one of the most difficult things we have to do as humans, and yet the one thing that WE long for the most for ourselves.  I wish it were easy for me to forgive as Jesus commanded us.  I can imagine that I would have saved myself a lot of tears, heartache and anxiety if I could.  The bottom line is, I hadn't truly forgive these people. Otherwise, those feelings would be at peace.  I wouldn't have the anxiety that I still do or even the FEAR of these people and what they can do to me.  The truth is, I should not have fear of them.  I should choose to do what God wants.  He is the only one who matters.  But why is it so hard?  Why am I being so stubborn about it? I found this article on forgiving others by Elisabeth Elliot that I really related to.  Forgiving is hard.  Our human emotions want to hold a grudge, for others to see that they have hurt us.  But that is God's place, not mine.  Please pray for me as I am learning to let go of these things and forgive.

 Forgiving others- Elisabeth Elliot

So in Colossians 3:13 we are told that we have to bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Now that part is hard enough. How about the last half? "Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Colossians 3:13. "Forgive as the Lord forgave you," which means "lay down your desire for vindication."

"But she was wrong! Why do I have to forgive her?" I've given you all the reasons from Scripture. I am to lay down my desire for vindication. I would like to be vindicated. I would like it to be known that I was right, but God doesn't give me that privilege. I am to lay down my desire for vindication. I am to lay down my right to an apology. That's a tough one. You may have a right to an apology, because the person really did wrong you.But how about just getting rid of the burden, getting rid of asking yourself, "When is that woman ever going to realize what she did to me?" The chances are, she's not going to realize it and she's not interested in realizing it and she's forgotten all about it, perhaps. So why lug through life all that terrible burden of vindictiveness and bitterness? 

I'm sure that all of us know somebody who is just like a tiger in a corner. We had one in our church. She was a woman that lashed out like a tiger with everybody that came near her. We were all scared to death of her. Nobody wanted to get near that poor woman. She was so angry, and nobody seemed to be able to figure out what it was.I remember one time-I was sitting right behind her in church. She had just taken off her coat and she flopped the coat over the pew in front of her. The coat fell off on the floor. She was so angry that she grabbed that coat and she just threw it against the pew in front of her, as if it was the fault of that coat. That's how angry she was.But there was no question that she was filled with un-dealt-with bitterness.

Lay down your desire for vindication. Lay down your right to an apology. Lay down the pleasure that you might get from that person's humiliation. 

Let's be honest with ourselves. It would be very pleasant if the person who wronged us was humiliated by it. Lay down your will, in other words. "Bring every thought," it says in 2 Corinthians 10, "under obedience to Christ." Every thought is to be brought under obedience.

Someone is sitting here this afternoon and saying, "Elisabeth, I can't do that. I just know that I will never be able to do that." So I want to read you a poem that Amy Carmichael wrote. Psalm 56:3 is what she headed it with. "Nevertheless, although I am sometimes afraid, yet put I my trust in Thee."

Perhaps you're afraid that you're going to lose something very valuable if you let go of that bitterness. This is what she writes: "Never will I ask of thee more than thou canst do. Ever I will be with thee, Savior, Shepherd, too. Never shall go forth from Me too hard for thee. Trust Me then, O child of Mine, faith knows not to fear. Thou art Mine and I am thine; I am always near. Near to be thy strong defense, quietness and confidence."

Romano Guardini said, "Forgiveness is renouncing the right to administer justice to oneself." Put that down in your book, will you? Renouncing the right to administer justice to oneself. "Relinquishment of the wish to see punishment meted out to others." It is very soothing, isn't it, to see punishment meted out to somebody else who has done you in. "Forgiveness is quitting the questionable territory of desires. Pain for pain leads to the open country of freedom. Forgiveness reestablishes order by acquitting the offender and thereby placing him in a new and higher order of justice. He who insists on rights"-and this is the most important part-"He who insists on rights places himself outside the community of men. He would like to be judged of men rather than one of them. Only forgiveness frees us from the injustice of others." Only forgiveness frees us from the injustice of others.

Now let me give you just four points which will show you how to forgive. And these, very quickly. 

Number one, receive the grace. You won't be able to forgive unless you have received the grace. Matthew 18:21-35. I love what Corrie ten Boom says: "When God casts our sins into the depths of the sea, He puts up a sign and says, 'No fishing.'"

Number two, acknowledge the wrong. Be straightforward with God. Acknowledge the fact that this person has wronged you, like Alexander the coppersmith. That's an important step. If you don't acknowledge the wrong, you don't have anything to forgive.

Number three, lay down all your rights. "Lose your life for My sake," Jesus said. Forgiveness is the unconditional laying down of the self. That's all under number three now. Lay down all the rights.

Number four, what to do to and for the one who has wronged you. What shall I do? Okay, I'll give you a, b, c, and d under these four. 

A) If he asks for forgiveness, forgive him. You don't have to write that down. That's so simple. If he asks for forgiveness, of course you say yes. "As we forgive those who trespass against us." B) If he doesn't, you go ahead and forgive him in a private transaction before God. If he does not forgive you, forgive him in a private transaction before God.

C) Pray for him. Opposition will be melted as you pray for him. 

D) And this is probably the toughest thing of all-Ask for grace to treat him as if nothing had ever happened. Ask for grace to treat that person as if nothing had ever happened.

When I had a very, very painful situation with a family member, God reminded me that what I needed to do was to stand with Christ for her, instead of with His adversary against her. Ask for grace to treat her or him as if nothing had ever happened. Forgive that person, even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you.

What relief! What peace! "Oh, what peace we often forfeit; oh, what needless pain we bear, all because we"-and we could put in here, "have not forgiven somebody." It says in the hymn, "All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer." I trust that there will be some today who will be relieved of that crushing burden. Go to the foot of the cross. It's amazing how things look so much simpler and so much quieter when we go to the foot of the cross.

Forgiveness

Wow, I have really been slackin' on the blog updating.  Almost made it an entire month this time! 

I have really been thinking about forgiveness a lot lately.  Yesterday marked a year since my divorce was finalized. In about a month I will have been on my own for 2 years (yes, it took a long time).  When I look back to 2 years ago, I see someone totally different than I do now.  I see a very hurt, bitter, sad person (mostly hurt).  I can remember seeing my life change before my eyes and not having any control over it.  That's the scary/crazy part about life.  Sometimes even though it's YOUR life, other people make the choices for you and no matter how hard you try, you can't change things. But there is one thing that IS certain in life.  God can take a seemingly hopeless situation and turn it into good.  I would like to be able to say that I did not struggle with that at all, but I would be lying.  There were many, many days I spent worrying, crying, wondering how I could possibly make it on my own.  I was a stay-at-home mom at the time. I had no job.  I did NOT want to depend on my parent's to carry me financially.  I had spent the past 6 months recovering from the worst depression I have ever experienced. And God provided for me and Brian.  He worked everything out and all I had to do was trust him.  My mom said to me once after everything first happened, "Jessica, God has carried you so many times and you don't even realize it."  She was right.  Even during the dark times, He was there.

For a long time, I harbored a lot of resentment.  How could someone just walk away?  Why could I forgive people for mistakes made but they couldn't seem to do the same?  How was it always all my fault?  Questions that seemed to dominate my life for such a long time.  I am sure people resented me for a lot of mistakes I had made and I sure resented them for the things they said and did to me.  It would almost eat me alive. People would slam me and say things about me that they knew nothing about in reality. Things that crushed my spirit because I could not stop them.  I would go to church, see my friends with their husbands and families and cry because I no longer had one. I could not see past that.  It wasn't until I realized that I did everything I could do that I was able to find peace.  I had apologized for my past mistakes, worked hard to have a good marriage, but that was all I could do.  I had done everything humanly possible to make my marriage work, and ultimately, it wasn't my choice.  Once that became clear to me, I knew I had to let it go.  I knew that I could not claim to be a Christian and harbor the kind of resentment that I was.  I knew that it was wrong of me to accept Christ's forgiveness of MY sin and yet refuse to forgive someone else.  If God could willingly die for my sins so that I would have forgiveness, then it was my duty to forgive also.  Even if I wasn't even sure how.  It was a struggle, don't get me wrong, but the peace and freedom that it gave me was worth it.  There came a day when we both cried and told each other how we felt and BOTH apologized and offered forgiveness to each other.  Yes, we have regrets. Yes, we both wish things had been different. But God gave us a precious gift of forgiveness that led to a relationship that is based in mutual caring and consideration of each other and our son, not a relationship that is rooted in bitterness and hatred.  THANK GOD FOR THAT.  Divorce is wrong.  It is not God's plan.   Just as sin is not God's plan for us.  But I am a sinner, along with everyone else on the Earth, who is loved by God so dearly that His love for me (us) is far greater than any wrong I could ever do. And by His grace, a situation as bad as divorce can be made into something good. I am thankful everyday that God has not given up on me but has pulled me from every dark situation in my life, who has rescued me from bad choices, who has carried me even when I was unaware of His presence.  It all comes down to love and forgiveness.  I pray that God will help me become a person who can love and forgive people just as He has loved and forgiven me.  That is something that I am far, far from doing on my own.  My sinful nature wants to come out and say mean things back to people who hurt me, to start rumors about people who have started them about me, but that is NOT the right thing to do.  God knows our hurt, our frustration.   It is up to us to make the choice to not take that route, but instead to give it to Him. 

Doctor Visit

I have had some people ask how my appointment with the cardiologist went this morning and I got LOTS of information while I was there, so I thought it would be easiest to post on my blog instead of typing everything over and over.

Most of you know that I have had extremely high blood pressure for the last 7 years.  I was diagnosed as having it when I was 22 years old.  Since then, it has been hard to control even with medication at times. I have also had several other health issues going on related to it- extreme swelling of my legs, frequent heart palpitations, and just an overall feeling of yuckiness (NO energy, feeling as tired when I wake up as when I go to bed.)  My doctor has tried switching my medications, which helped regulate my blood pressure a little more, but only helped with the swelling minimally and the other symptoms not at all.  I have a wonderful new doctor who immediately referred me to a cardiologist when he saw that nothing he was trying had helped.   He also thought it was very odd that my previous doctor had never referred me to a cardiologist before or had any heart tests run.  Prior to today's visit, I went to the hospital and had 3 tests run in advance so he could look over the results before my visit today. SO, here is what I found out today from the cardiologist:

1)  There is DEFINITELY something wrong that is causing the HBP (neither of my parents have high blood pressure and no one in my family has ever had it at a young age, so he said it was impossible for it to be "just the way my body is" as I have been told before in the past)

2)  Because of my age, the fact that I'm not obsese and strictly watch my fat and sodium intake and am still having so many issues means that it could be difficult to determine exactly what it is right away.  It can sometimes be hard to find the answers.

3) Due to all of my other symptoms, he thinks the HBP may very likely be because I have Sleep Apnea.  Sleep Apnea is when you actually stop breathing in your sleep, causing you to swell, be very lethargic, have depression and headaches and high blood pressure. I have ALL of these symptoms. My stepdad and ex-husband have this and they snore like freight trains so it was obvious that something was going on- I don't.  That is why never in a million years I would have thought my high blood pressure could be caused by something like this. But it sure makes a lot of sense.

4)  Kidney Function-  He said my HBP could also be a result of my kidneys not functioning correctly.  whatever that means!


He wanted me to have a sleep study done and a renal ultrasound done ASAP, so tomorrow night I will be going to the hospital to spend the night and have both of these things done.  Then I see my doctor next week on Thursday to go over the results and proceed from there.  I would LOVE for it to be something as simple as wearing a breathing machine for the rest of my life at night so that I could be off my medication!  For the first time, I feel HOPEFUL that I can find out what has made me feel so terrible during my entire twenties.  So thankful that God has blessed me with 2 great doctors!

Thank you for checking on me and sending prayers my way.  I appreciate it and will let everyone know what I find out next week. Wish me luck at the sleep clinic tomorrow night!!  I may have to take Brian's blankie for comfort :)

Jessica

New Beginnings

Wow, it seems like so many things have been going on in my life!  Changes that are scary but exciting!  I can't believe that is has been 2 years that I have been on my own.  These past 2 years have given me time to heal wounds and hurts from going through a divorce and learn to create a life all on my own raising a child.  Although I in no way agree with divorce, sometimes (like in my situation) it is out of your hands, but really makes you grow and mature as a person.  I am very, very content with my life now.  I know that God has big plans for me and my beautiful (and I mean BEAUTIFUL) son.  I guess for the first time, I feel like I might actually be close to being ready for God to bring someone into my life PERMANENTLY.  Although the time and person is up to God, I feel like right now I would be just fine being without someone.  I think God wanted me to be happy with myself and with Him alone before I would be even close to ready for someone else.  At this point, I feel like a spouse would be a wonderful addition to my already peaceful life, not a MUST-HAVE.  And I also am confident in knowing that the Lord knows my heart and my desire for a family.  I guess what I am saying is that for the first time in my life, I am not impatient about the future. Sure I'm excited, but I know that it will be worth the wait.  Everyday is a day to better myself and grow closer to God and develop the kind of relationship with my son that God wants.

Footprints

I wanted to share something with everyone that happened last week that was so precious to me.  Lately, whenever I get Brian out of the bathtub, he likes me to just bundle him up in a towel and hold him close and rock him.  He likes to sing to me or have me sing to him and he does this for about 15 minutes.  Laying with his sweet head on my chest makes me feel like he is a tiny baby again.  It is without a doubt the best part of my day. 

Last week, I took him out of the tub and stood him up on a towel to wrap him up.  When I lifted him into my arms, I notices that his tiny wet foot had made an impression in the fluffy towel.  It was the most perfect little footprint that I have ever seen (besides the one when he was born). I hurried up and snapped a picture of it so I would never forget that moment.  I love my son with all of my heart and soul.  He has definitely left his little footprints on my life :)