Little by Little

Today while reading my bible, something stood out to me that I've never really thought about before. It is so hard for me to wrap my mind around the idea that my life brings glory to God. Most of the time, I still see myself as a dirty, failing sinner who is nowhere where I want to be, instead of looking at all the ways that God has changed me already. That is what brings glory to him. Not anything that I have done myself but how God has slowly changed me by changing my heart and changing my mind. Sometimes I am so focused on my sinfulness that I fail to recognize the freedom that comes with knowing Christ. I shouldn't feel constantly  weighted down my by sinful nature (although I should always want to be mindful of my sin) but thankful that I am not defined by that sinful nature anymore. I am not trapped by it; I am set free by Christ. And there is no condemnation. So even when I feel like I am failing in becoming more like Jesus, all I have to do is look back on the way my life used to be before God started to really change me. Doing that always makes me realize that God is working in me every day, even if I don't always feel like I'm being changed. Little by little, God is making me more like Jesus. But when you look at the past, it is easier to see how far God has brought you. I can't even count how many times I have remembered the way I behaved and thought in the past and thought "Thank you, Lord, that I am not who I used to be!" And that is how my life brings glory to God. Because others can see the transformation in me in different areas and they will know that is from God's work and nothing of my own effort. I guess until today I could see where so many others' lives bring glory to God but never considered that my own could. Just another way that my small thinking as a human has limited the glory that He deserves for changing me in so many ways. There are many ways that God has changed me that others can see but even more ways that He has changed me that only He and I may ever know. He really does change you from the inside out- from the way you think, feel, how you pray and how you view life and other people. I know that I can bring even more glory to Him by truthfully looking at my life and admitting where I need Him to make me more like Jesus. 

Heavy Loads

Today is one of those days when I woke up feeling like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I just feel "off" inside today. Outside I feel tired. I am so thankful for my life and the people I get to share it with. But some days the negativity of life just gets to me. People get to me. I wish so much that I was one of those people who can just roll with the punches and not allow anyone to affect me. But unfortunately, that is another struggle of mine. I always seem to put so much faith in people and it always feel like a punch in the gut when I feel let down by them. Are there any more genuine people in the world? People that will let you see the real them and love you for the real you in return? Sometimes everything and everyone seems so fake.  People are willing to say anything about you just to have something to talk about. Why do they do that? Does it make them feel better about themselves? Is it a response to their own unhappiness? I would rather have zero friends than friends who aren't really friends at all. I would rather fight a physical battle than for someone to twist my words and say untrue things about me.  What do people gain from hurting others? Is it worth the damage they cause to someone's heart just to be able to sit down and have something juicy to gossip about? Do they think if they make others look bad that they will somehow look better? Is it worse to have people you don't know talk bad about you or people who you thought really knew you say those things?

I know there will be struggles in this life, Lord. You said that in the bible. And more than not, I feel strong enough to handle the struggles that life slings. But there are days when i just get sad. Sad that in this world there are so many people I would claim as "friends" who really don't fit the description when it comes down to it. 

Please forgive me for the times in the past when I have been quick to judge another person before I have taken the time to get to know them and their journey. Most of the time what I was inclined to think about them is the furthest thing from the truth. I would rather be remembered for loving people through their mistakes and failures instead of having a good seat at the latest table of gossip.

Parking Lot Prayers

A few weeks ago, I was taking Brian to Konnect at our church on a Wednesday night.  This is the first year he has been old enough to attend Wednesday night activities (you have to been in 1st grade). He has been going since the first week of school in August and loves it. He gets excited every week when Wednesday rolls around and comes home talking non-stop about everything he has learned. This Wednesday was no different. I loaded the boys into the car and hoped that we would get there on time since Hudson's new thing is to take 10 minutes just to get out the door. We were at the intersection at a red light right before pulling in and Brian says out of the blue, "Mom? I haven't been baptized yet." 

I told him that was true and then asked him what being baptized meant. I wanted to see if he really knew or just thought it looked fun to get dunked in some water at church. His reply amazed me. "It's what you do to show people that Jesus lives in your heart and forgives you of your sins. I haven't done that either, Mama."

I just sat there for a second trying to figure out how I should respond. Does he really understand? Is he too young? All these questions popped up that I didn't know how to answer. Then I thought about how Jesus taught that we are to have faith like a child. The kind of faith that, to me, means not "over-thinking" or carefully considering things first. It means jumping all in and believing wholeheartedly. I also remembered my mom telling me how when I was exactly Brian's age, I had come home from church one Sunday night and told her I had asked Jesus to forgive me of my sins  and to take control of my life. She told me how she had the same kinds of thoughts about me being so young. She even talked to our pastor about her concerns. He told her that it is not our place to determine what is the right age or not for God to move in someone's heart. Only God knows. I know many, many seeds had been planted in Brian's little heart and that as his mother it was my job to just trust God when it was His time to make those seeds bloom. Brian is always so full of questions when we read the bible each night and after we go to church that I knew things had been stirring in his heart for a while.

As we pulled ino the parking lot, I asked Brian if he wanted to ask Jesus into his heart and to forgive him of his sins. He enthusiastically replied "yes!" So I told him when we parked that he could come get in the front seat with me and I would pray with him. 

I was pretty nervous, I'll admit. I had never prayed with someone to receive Jesus before, not to mention this was my precious little boy whom I had been praying for this to happen. I wanted to make sure that my words were clear. So I just decided to pray from my heart the words that I pray again and again. There is something beautiful about praying for Jesus to change your life and forgive you from your sins over and over. It's a reminder to me to always be thankful for that moment 26 years ago when I asked Jesus into my heart to forgive me. 

When we were about to say amen, I peeked to look at Brian's face. He was holding my hands and squeezing his eyes shut tight in great concentration. I have never seen a bigger smile than the one he had on his face. He said he couldn't wait to tell his church teachers that he had just asked Jesus into his heart. I have never had a prouder moment as a mom. I thought of the times I had prayed that Brian would find Jesus at an early age and really, truly understand God's love for us. I always pray that he doesn't make the same mistakes I have made in my life and that he always holds tight to his faith no matter what. 

My little boy is now my brother in Christ. Wow. 

 

Getting Even

As I'm continuing to think about the different struggles I'm facing right now in my life, I realize that I often feel the desire to take things into my own hands and get even with people who have hurt me or someone I love.

I don't mean get even by physically harming them or anything like that. What it usually means to me is thinking of things that I could say to them that would make them feel as bad as they've made me feel. Words sting. And sometimes it is so tempting to sting back. There is something about needing a quick reponse back that my human nature wants a lot of the time.  How satisfying, it seems, if I could post a Facebook status about them. Or tell as many people as I can how horrible this person is and how I've been so wronged. And how easy is doing that these days? With texting and the internet, getting even would be just a couple of clicks away.

To be completely honest, I have felt this way more than I would like to admit over the past few months. I know this is not what God wants from me. My heart knows that but my head still wants word

revenge. So I've started a new bible reading plan about working through anger to help me learn exactly what God says about anger and what I can do about it. I don't want to be consistently angry or bitter or hurt because of someone who is probably angry, bitter and hurt themselves. And I know it is the opposite of how God wants me to be. 

I read tonight that it is not my place to punish someone else for doing wrong- even if it is directed towards me. I also read that I shouldn't let myself get so angry that it causes me to want to do evil- you know, get even. It's not my place. It's God's. Letting someone else's actions or words stir up bitterness and anger in my heart is probably exactly what they wanted to happen. And it just causes a greater hurt to me than the words or actions caused in the first place. It causes me to pull away from God and dwell on my situation and my anger.  Sometimes I feel like not allowing myself to get angry shows that I am not acknowledging the hurt that was caused to me or even more so to someone I love. But that isn't a true feeling. It's okay to feel anger over something being wrong, it's just not okay to let it fester and build into bitterness that takes over your heart. I don't want bitterness to take root so deep in my heart that I can't feel or see anything else. 

God, forgive me for the times when I want to take over your job and do the punishing I feel like is deserved. Help me to offer the same grace and forgiveness to the people that hurt me that you have offered to me, even if it is difficult at first. Even when it doesn't feel good.  I know that if I am obedient to you that my feelings will follow.