Brian Joshua Banana Juice Cookie George

Okay, so my blog title may be really silly and really confusing!  But it also has a really cute story behind it...

  Bathtime around our house is a lot of fun.  Brian loves the water and would live in the bathtub if I let him.  I literally have to drain all the water and lift him out- he would never get out on his own. He lays down on his belly and props himself up on his elbows and we "visit".  We talk about what he did that day with Granny, or we sing, and sometimes we even read books because that is a time when he will REALLY pay attention and sit still long enough to hear an entire story!  But sometimes we are just silly!  Like last night. 

  Brian has this funny thing that he does EVERY night where he asks for juice in the bathtub.  He thinks it is SOOO  funny and I always reply the same way: "Nooooo, you don't need any juice!" in a silly voice. Well, a few nights ago, he thought it would be funny to ask for something else- a nana (banana).  I said "Nooooooo, you don't need a nana!"  He was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe.  So then he thew another request in there- a cookie.  Again, I told him he didn't need a cookie, and he was unable to breathe from laughing again :)

So last night, we were having our usual bathtime conversation and he comes out with, "Juice?"  I knew what he was doing- playing our game.  But I had completely forgotten about the other things he asked for the other night, until he came out with "Nana?" and "Cookie?"   I started laughing because I couldn't believe that he remembered that from the other night!  We both laughed until we couldn't anymore, and I pulled him out of the tub and said, "Time to get out, Brian Joshua Banana Juice Cookie George!"  

Well, that was it.  I lost him to laughter for another 5 minutes.  Well, in between him saying, "Again!!"  He seemed to like his silly nickname :)

Long time, no post!

 So, wow.  It has been a long time since I have updated this thing.  Lots of things going on around our house this holiday season!  For about 3 weeks in late October/early November, I was barely even at work. My mom (and babysitter) had surgery, some family members were sick, so that meant I got to stay home with B.  That is one of the perks of working for family- you don't necessarily have to work about sick leave!  It was wonderful getting that "break" with Brian!  I felt like a SAHM again!  Anyway, Halloween came and went....Thanksgiving came and went, and now here I am back at work.
 
 My dad got to come visit us for a few days around Halloween from Texas.  It was wonderful to see him!  It had been over a year since we had seen him last, so Brian was like a totally different kid!  Although his visit wasn't long enough, it was great!  It is always bittersweet when I see my dad.  We have been through so much and to not see him that much is hard for me. But I do value the time I get!

Grandpa and Brian

  Thanksgiving was very low-key this year and I kinda liked it that way!  It was quiet, relaxing and gave me a lot of time with B.  He spent the morning with his dad and then back home with me.  We put up the Christmas decorations and tree and I have NEVER seen a kid soooo excited about it all!  He was literally screaming, "TREE, TREE!"  He also thought  all the lights on the tree were little moons and he was just in awe saying, "Mooooons!"  He even helped hang ornaments (well, he put them all in the same spot, so mommy had to do a little damage control when he went to bed!)  It was super cute!

  I get sad everyday that Brian grows up a little more, but there are soo many fun things that he is doing now that he couldn't before!  Like last year, he would take all the berry picks off the tree and run around whacking things with them (i.e.- Lady).  This year, he understands that everything is pretty and he just wants to look at it all!

Can't wait for Christmas!!

Bedtime

Brian has always had a bedtime routine, although it changes from time to time, he always has one.  When he was really little, I would put on his Praise Baby CD and rock him to sleep before putting him in his crib and quietly slipping out.  Then, as he got a little older, I would put him in his crib and sit down beside him and hold his hand through the rails.  The bedtime story thing never really worked for Brian.  Stories get him hyped up, but music seems to really put him in the mood for bedtime.  Now our routine is bath time, brushing his teeth, and watching 'The Backyardigans."  We cuddle on the couch while we are watching it and when it's over, all I have to say is, "Are you ready to go night-night?" and he happily exclaims "NIGHT-NIGHT!!" and runs in his room.  Before he goes in, he stops at his door and looks back to make sure I am in tow.  He also says "Wady?" to make sure Lady is close, too. Then he jumps into bed giggling and waits for me to climb in (YES- mommy climbs into the toddler bed.  One day it is gonna break...I just know it.)  and "Wady" takes her place underneath the bed.  As I cuddle up next to him, I say his prayers outloud and he finishes them with an amen.    The next part is my favorite...

Being at work during the day makes my time with him in the evenings my favorite part of the day.  So once I cuddle up next to him, we laugh and sing and tickle.  I look forward to this time each night.  We laugh and laugh until he starts to play with his hair.  Then I know his eyes are going to start getting droopy.  Then I kiss him goodnight and leave the room.  He is usually asleep within a few minutes.  I also have to make sure "Wady" leaves with me because she can be VERY loud :)

I love this time at the end of each day that I have with my precious son.  I know that these are precious moments that I will treasure forever.

A letter to Brian

My Brian Joshua,
  Today I was looking at pictures of you when you were first born and I got sad because I feel like you are all grown up already.  Reality tells me that you are only two years old.  There are SO many years ahead of us, so many memories to make.  Sometimes I let my mind wander and I start thinking of the times when you won't want to hold my hand anymore or kiss me.  One day, I won't be your true love anymore, but hopefully I will always be your first.  I hope that you will be able to know every single day just how much I love you and that there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you.  I remember the day I brought you home from the hospital.  I was holding you and you were looking up at me with those beautiful blue eyes.  We were by ourselves and I told you that there would be nothing that you could do that would ever make me stop loving you.  As I said this to you, tears were falling from my eyes and onto your little face.  You probably thought, "Whoa...my mommy is nuts!" but at that very moment I knew that my life would never be the same.  You and I have been through a lot together already in your 2 little years on this earth.  And knowing how life is, I know that there will be many more things we will go through together.  But that is what I always want you to know.  Together.  We will face anything and everything this life has to offer together.  The good and the bad.  You have no idea what your sweet little smile does to my heart and how long I waited for you to get here.  I know I will never be able to protect you the way that I did when you were growing inside me, but I promise you that I will always do everything I can possibly do to keep you safe and happy.

 So I am not going to dwell on the sad things.  We have way too many memories to make and happy times to be together. So many Christmases, birthdays, and lazy days of just doing nothing.  So many exciting things to look forward to.  I know deep down in my heart that you are going to become the amazing man that I know God created you to be.  I will never be able to express to you or to God how honored I am that He chose me to be your mommy.  You have taught me something about the way God loves us.  When I look at you and am overwhelmed with how much love I feel for you, I am reminded that our Heavenly Father loves us so, so much more.  Kinda hard to believe, huh?  But it's true.  Even though I can't go 5 minutes without kissing you or hugging you because my heart might explode with love, everything that we have in this world is a beautiful gift from God because of his love for us.

And I know that someday, even when you don't want to hold my hand or kiss me in front of anyone, you will still kiss me when it is just the two of us. 

I love you with all my heart,
Mommy

Pictures of my little one

I thought I would add some pictures to my site of my little baby boy when he was tiny :)  He is growing up way too fast!

I didn't know my own strength

Lost touch with my soul

I had no where to turn

I had no where to go

Lost sight of my dream

Thought it would be the end of me

I thought I'd never make it through

I had no hope to hold on to

I thought I would break

I didn't know my own strength

And I crashed down and I tumbled

But I did not crumble

I got through all the pain

I didn't know my own strength

Survived my darkest hour

My faith kept me alive

I picked myself back up

Hold my head up high

I was not built to break

I didn't know my own strength

Found hope in my heart,

I found the light to life

My way out of the dark

Found all that I need

Here inside of me

I thought I'd never find my way

I thought I'd never lift that weight

I thought I would break

There were so many times I

Wondered how I'd get through the night

I thought I took all that I could take

I didn't know my own strength

And I crashed down, and I tumbled

But I did not crumble

I got through all the pain oh

I didn't know my own strength

Survived my darkest hour

My faith kept me alive

I picked myself back up

I Hold my head up high

I was not built to break

I got to know my own strength

Some of my favorite quotes

I used to collect quotes in a journal as a teenager. There is something comforting about reading another person's words that express something that you can't seem to. I still look for quotes that are meaningful to my life. Here are a few that have meant a lot to me lately that I wanted to share:

"God is closest to those with broken hearts."

"Let your tears come. Let them water your soul." ~Eileen Mayhew

"God can heal a broken heart, but He has to have all the pieces." ~Author Unknown

"You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.' ~Jan Glidewell

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." ~M. Kathleen Casey

"There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with." ~Harry Crews

"Count the garden by the flowers, never by the leaves that fall. Count your life with smiles and not the tears that roll." ~Author Unknown

Rainy Days

I love a good rainy day every now and then. It actually puts me in the mood to accomplish something, like cleaning or organizing...I usually get a lot done. But too many rainy days at once give me way to much time to think. That along with things being quiet around the office lately has made me a little down in the dumps. It has gotten me to start thinking about how lonely I am sometimes. I'm really never by myself- I always have Brian or a friend or a family member around usually. But the loneliness I feel is a different kind. I am lonely for a family of my own. Someone to come home to, to talk to about my day, someone to lean on. Someone to love that loves me unconditionally in return. On days like these, I wonder if that will ever happen for me again. Don't get me wrong, I am so very thankful for my life. God has blessed me far, far beyond what I deserve. But He also knows the true desires of my heart. When I start getting down, I have to really work at reminding myself that His plans are far greater than any I may have for myself. And that those plans will come through in HIS time- not mine. That has always been a struggle for me. I get impatient sometimes when it is something that is very dear to my heart, something I want so much. I need patience and peace for the future.

Blood work and signatures

Yesterday was an extremely busy day for me, but also a day where I was able to get a lot of important things accomplished.  Several months ago, my mom was diagnosed with having severe Celiac Sprue Disease (where your body is allergic to gluten, which is in SOO much food).  Two other family members have also been diagnosed with this diseases and it is highly genetic (if one person has it, chances are many others do, too). My mom had been struggling with stomach problems for over a year and had dropped so much weight (she was weighing in at about 100 pounds) that she was just feeling terrible all the time.  She ate like normal, but she could not do anything but lose weight.  She also felt very tired and sluggish and just plain yucky.  Since her younger brother had been diagnosed with Celiac, we decided to research it. She had many of the symptoms, so her doctor ran a blood test and her levels came back high.  The next step to officially diagnose the disease is a biopsy.  My mom's was so severe that the doctor said he didn't even need to send her biopsy off for testing because it was obvious she had the disease.  Her body had been so deprived of nutrients for so long that it has caused her to develop early osteoporosis and many other health problems. Her doctor told her that if she had any children, they should probably be tested.  I had been having some stomach and health issues myself that seem to fit the disease.  What is so crazy about Celiac is that it manifests itself in different ways in everyone who has it.  Some people gain weight; some lose it, as well as many other symptoms.  Needless to say, I put it off for many months because I do not want to give up my gluten foods :) But I got to thinking about all the damage it had done to my mom and I want to make sure that I stay healthy to raise my baby boy.  Yesterday, I finally went and had the blood work done.  If it comes back high, then a biopsy will follow.  If not, then I guess I am just a tab bit defective :)

I also got to FINALLY close on the refinancing of my house!!!!!  The only thing material thing that I really wanted to keep in the divorce was my home.  It was something that I worked very hard for and that my parents helped us to purchase, so I wanted to keep it.  More importantly, I wanted to keep it for Brian so he could have some stability in his changing life.  It is a new house in a nice neighbor hood and I wanted that for him.  I knew I could make the payments (barely!) but working it out in the divorce was more difficult than I expected.  But God provided and now the house is officially in MY name!  Althought it takes the majority of my money to make the payment every month, I wouldn't have it any other way.  I love my home because of the memories it holds and will continue to create.  I love coming home to my baby boy everyday and playing in his room.  I love taking him for walks around the neighborhood and coming home to cook a meal that he usually will not eat (haha).  And I love getting to tuck him in at night in HIS OWN room.  Sure, I could have lots more money if I had an apartment or maybe even another house.  But this was our home and I wanted to keep it that way.  I asked God so many times during the divorce to help me accept things the way HE wanted them to go.  If that had meant not keeping the house, I would have learned to deal with that.  But everything has just fallen into place!  I got a much needed raise at work last week, I got to skip 2 house payments with the refinance and a lot of my monthly bills have become much lower!  Thank you LORD!  God always looks after us!

On a side note....
When we were in Texas a few weeks ago for a shopping trip with my mom, we were having breakfast in the car outside of Whataburger (Brian loves the taquitos!).  There were some birds in the parking space beside us looking for food the entire time we were eating.  We had quite a bit of leftovers so I started tearing off pieces and throwing it out to the birds.  They were so excited!  They were even going into the bushes and telling the other birds!  Soon, birds were everywhere and they were having a feast!  Right then, Matthew 6:26 popped into my head, "Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?"   Those birds were pecking around, looking for food and then all of a sudden, they were given a feast.  The same goes for me.  So many times I am trying to make money stretch or figure out what to do, and God always takes care of me.  He always has something in store for me and it is always exactly what I need, when I need it.  He is so much better at knowing what I need than I am :)

One more thing...

Okay...So while I was on my shopping trip to Grapevine, Texas, I came across these new Sketchers.  I LOVE Sketchers- I think they are cute and sooo comfortable, so I jumped on these fast.  They are supposed to help you stay in shape just by everyday walking.  About a year ago, I tried a similar shoe called the Fit Flop (yes, I saw it on Oprah) and I liked them alot.  But these seem even better than the Fit Flops.  When I was 8 years old I was diagnosed with Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis which has done a lot of damage to my joints.  Even though it is no longer active, the damage has been done and so I still have a lot of pain in my ankles and knees.  These shoes are supposed to help that, and so far they are so comfortable!  It literally feels like you "bounce" while you walk.  So we will see if they work in all the areas they are supposed to!  Here goes!

check them out for yourself at  http://www.skechers.com/info/shape_ups/?cm_mmc=skecherscontent-_-Homepage-_-Main-_-GetDetails

Monday Mornings...

Well, I survived another weekend without Brian!  I thought it would get easier to let him go for his weekend visits with his dad, but it never really does.  I know, I know- he is only gone for 2 days, but it is just so lonely without him.  Even though it is nice to be able to go out and do things, to get stuff done around the house, and just relax, I miss his sweet smile and infectious laugh.  Some moms in similar situations say it gets easier as your kids get older, and then some (like me) says it doesn't matter- you always miss them.  Everyday, I love him more and more and he becomes more and more of his own person.  So I can't imagine EVER being okay with seeing him go (okay, maybe check back with me during his teenage years!).  Even Lady, our dog, runs to his room all the time while he is gone.  But she understands I am sad and is a very good surrogate child- except this child scratches too much!

Sometimes I wonder if Brian and I will ever be part of a bigger family again.  Will we ever find someone to build our lives with?  Is that in the cards for us?  I have always wanted a family of my own- a mommy and daddy with a love that serves as an example to their children.  I know it has only been a year and a half since the divorce, but sometimes that seems like such an unattainable dream.  I have a lot of hurt that needs to be healed and sometimes I wonder if that is even possible.  I know that if and when the time is right, God will bring the right person into our lives.  I hope that I have to wisdom to recognize that when it happens and seek His guidance in what to do. And as far as having more kids- who knows?  If God wants me to, then I will, but I also know that I have my beautiful baby boy and I will NEVER stop thanking God for that precious gift!

Right now, it is just the two of us- and I content with that :)

25 things I love about my son!

I have been writing about some pretty serious stuff lately and I wanted to write about something that gives me greater joy than I can express- my little boy!  If I listed all the things I love about him, I doubt that I would ever stop writing.  But I wanted to share 25 little things about him that make me smile!

1)  The way he has to have something in each hand while he is eating.
2)  How he has to take a train to bed with him every night.  He is very meticulous about which one he chooses for the night, too!
3)  The way he says "mine" when he wants to kiss me.
4)  How he whines all the way to his room when I tells him it's time to go to bed, but yet he climbs up in bed anyway.
5)  He plays with his hair when he is getting sleepy.
6)  Whenever he sees the number 4, he automatically says "Gordon" because he knows that's Gordon's number.
7)  He calls every beverage "onge zuice"
8)  He kisses every picture he sees of me.
9)  He shares his snacks with Lady.
10)  When he tastes something really good, he says "numa num"
11)  If he starts doing something he knows he's not allowed to do, he looks and me and says "No..." but tries it anyway.
12)  How I can take him shopping all day and he LOVES it.
13)  How he never complains about holding my hand when we are out in public.
14)  He "feeds" his trains by crumbling up food on top of them.  Messy, but sweet :)
15)  He covers his eyes when he gets shy.
16)  He fake cries while smiling the entire time.
17)  He always wants to help me fix things.
18) The way he "spells" every word he sees.
19)  How he will call Mickey Mouse 'Thomas' just to get a rise out of me.
20)  That he throws things down on purpose and then covers his cheeks with his hands and says "OH NO!" like it was an accident!
21)  His beautiful blue eyes.
22)  How his little teeth on the side are pointy.
23)  That the snowman balloon in one of the Thomas episodes scares him, but he tries to be brave.
24)  The way he looks at me is completely different from the way he looks at ANYONE else.
25)  The way he says "mama"

You can't see the rainbow until you're out of the rain

2008
  After months of doctor's appointments and medication, I finally started to feel like the fog I had been in was lifting off.  I started feeling good, was enjoying my precious time with Brian.  I even started helping out at the preschool learning center at our church 2 days a week. It was nice still getting to be around kids, but more as a helper.  I was no where near ready to take the lead as a teacher but it did my heart good to be around the kids.  Not to mention, I got to work with my sweet cousin who has always been a best friend to me...more a sister than a cousin.  Without her help and the rest of my family, I don't know that I would have bounced back as fast.  I also met a new friend who has become one of my very best friends, and I know a life-long friend. I had decided to interview for the lead pre-k teacher for the next year and was so excited about it. I thought by then I would be 100% ready and since it would only be 2 days a week, I could still be a stay-at-home mom.  AND the days I taught, Brian would get to go to his own class for free.
  At the end of May, we had planned our first family vacation with Brian to Branson.  We had a blast.  Brian rode his first ride at Silver Dollar City and we made lots of sweet memories.  I had absolutely no idea that a week later, I would be getting a divorce.
  Marriage is definitely work.  It is something that you have to consciously strive to maintain. To me, communication is the key to making it work.  I guess our communication was off and I didn't know it.  Sure, we had our share of fights.  Who doesn't?  But I never dreamed that I would be left alone to pick up the pieces of something that I didn't know was broken.  You can't force someone to be happy.  You can't force them to want to make things work.  I could blame myself for a million things that I did wrong over the course of my marriage, but the truth is this: everyone is responsible for their own choices.  Sometimes we make bad choices, and as Christians and humans, the only thing we can do is ask for God's forgiveness and the one's whom we've wronged.  Sometimes we can't even see our mistakes until we have already suffered the consequences for them.  Now I can look back and say I don't have any regrets when it comes to my marriage.  I worked hard on it, but ultimately, it takes two people to make that choice.
  Things got really ugly at times.  There were times when I wanted to give up and wake up from the nightmare I was experiencing.  My life changed almost overnight.  I had no job at the time.  I had a 9 month old baby.  It was almost too overwhelming to handle.  Brian and I stayed with my parents for 2 weeks.  It was just too hard to face our "home" that would never be the same.  But during those 2 weeks, God gave me a strength that I never knew I had.  He also gave me a peace that I could do this.  I had a wonderful support system and it was now up to me to continue to provide Brian with a stable, loving home no matter what else was going on.  With that in my heart, I moved back home and Brian and I began our lives by ourselves.
  I wish I could say it got easier from that point on, but I would be lying.  There were still many days where I felt that my heart was breaking all over again. There were many days I felt betrayed more than I ever had before.  I had never had to defend myself against lies that were told by people I thought I could trust with my life.  I had never had to face this while being a single mom.  But everyday, I got stronger and stronger.  God took care of every single one of our needs and still continues too.  I had to learn how to let go of the things I can't control and know that everything will work out the way God wants them too.  And they did.  God brought another dear friend into my life and now I not only have the most amazing family but the most wonderful friends I could ever ask for.
  Over a year later, I can look back without feeling the way I did while I was going through all of this.  My ex-husband and I have a great parenting relationship now that at one point, I didn't think would be possible.  We have both apologized to each other for our wrong doings and have been able to put hurt feelings and anger aside for the sake of our beautiful son.  I am so very thankful for that.  I know there may be times in the future that we might disagree, but I do feel like we can more forward with peace.  I also know that God knows my desire for a family of my own.  And I know that if I am patient, He is faithful and will give that to me and Brian someday. Until then we have a beautiful little family comprised of a thankful mommy and the most precious baby boy in the world.

Reflections

I get very emotional when I reflect on the last 2 years of my life.  Mostly because my life has changed in a way that I never even dreamed when my beautiful Brian was born, but also because I have endured two of the most difficult periods of my life.  I haven't talked to many people about the struggles I have dealt with, haven't felt the need to "get my side of the story" out there, because I know that it really doesn't matter what I say.  People are going to believe what they want to about me- that I can never control.  People are going to say things about me that couldn't be further from the truth; but that is life.  We all go through that in our lives- we have all been victims of rumors at some point.  Is it unfair?  Yes.  It is hurtful?  Definitely.  But it is something that I am going to let control my life and make me unhappy?  Absolutely not.  I refuse to let other people affect my life in that way.  I also know that the people who sincerely care about me and know me will stand by me and know the truth in their hearts.  That is a great comfort to me.  I am extremely thankful for those who have taken the time to send me a card, or call me and stop by, or even just sending me a thoughtful message on Facebook.  Those things have meant more to me than anyone will ever know.  Yes, it makes me sad to think that some people have seem to "avoid" me maybe because they have chosen to believe the things they have heard.  But I will be okay, because I know they weren't really true friends in the first place.  The one thing I am certain of is that God can use my story to bring comfort and understanding to those who are going through similar things.  So if my life can be a testimony to just one person, it is worth it.  That is my sole purpose for creating this blog.  To reach out to others who may be in a similar place.  It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

2007  
After Brian was born in 2007 and I started back to work full-time, I just about hit rock bottom.  Never before in my life had I felt like I had no control over what I was feeling or doing- physically, emotionally, and mentally.  I had the typical after-pregnancy hormone changes, but they just seemed to get worse, not better.  I worried constantly about Brian.  I wanted to protect him from EVERYTHING and I felt like I couldn't.  I didn't want to leave him at all.  Not to even go to the bathroom, let alone to go to work all day.  When I would get to work, I honestly felt like I had never taught before.  It was the hardest thing to deal with because teaching was the most important thing in my life, and I had known from a very early age that it is what God wanted me to do with my life.   But I felt so inadequate.  I worked and worked on things but never felt like I was doing it right or was getting anything accomplished.  I would worry so excessively about doing a good job, and my students, and parents, and coworkers that I just stopped eating.  When I got home at night, I would spend every second I could with Brian and then I would begin working on stuff again, all the while trying to keep my house in order.  I literally was so consumed by everything that I felt like an absolute failure in every area of my life.  What kind of a wife and mother was I if I couldn't even cook a meal?  I stopped sleeping and what little bit I would drift off, I would wake up in a panic attack- sweating, shaking, crying.  I tried so hard to fight these feelings.  Every morning, I would put on a brave front to the rest of the world and go about the day's business. But inside I felt like I was no longer myself.  It got to the point where I was so physically affected by what was going on, that the room would spin and I would feel like I was going to pass out.  Or even my students would be talking to me, but it was like I literally couldn't understand what they were saying.  The only person in my life who could really see through my "pretending" was my mother.  She finally saw me going into such a dark place that she and my stepdad intervened and made me see a doctor.  My doctor diagnosed me as suffering from severe post-partum depression.  I thought that was ridiculous because in my mind, post-partum depression meant wanting to harm your baby.  That was the furthest thing from what I felt.  What I really wanted to do was just be with my baby and take care of him all the time.  And I felt like all my other responsibilities were keeping me from doing that effectively.  When my doctor told me that I HAD to take some time off work because I was dangerously close to needing to be hospitalized, I got so angry.  I had just went back to work and now I was supposed to take time off?  You can't imagine the things going through my mind- everyone was going to be so mad at me, I was going to get fired- you name it, I thought it.  I knew I didn't have a choice, so I finally gave in. My parents took me and Brian home with them for a week.  I don't know what I would have done without my mom.  I was nearly as helpless as my 10 week old baby at that time, but she took care of me every single day and gave me the courage to know I was a good mother and to take care of my son.  I didn't have many visitors while I was there- a few good friends, but not certain family members that should have been there through it all.  That was as hard as the physical hardship I was facing.  After a week, I thought I was ready to go back to school.  I was wrong.  My body had not healed and I was no where near in the right state of mind.  I remember I could barely get dressed that morning.  My mom had to help me.  That morning is even hard for me to remember now.  I just know that a coworker of mine (God bless her) who had been so good to me throughout everything came into my room and I lost it.  She helped me down to the office where I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life- to resign and give myself time to get well.  Although I know in my heart it was the only decision to make at time time, I miss it so much.  But it wasn't even until several months later that I started eating regularly again and actually started feeling like my old self.  The unexpected events that happened the next year would put me in another situation that I had never been in.  I will write about that tomorrow.  Although I am not teaching right now, I would love to do it again full-time someday, because I know that I am capable and that God gave me the gifts to do a good job.