Reflections

I get very emotional when I reflect on the last 2 years of my life.  Mostly because my life has changed in a way that I never even dreamed when my beautiful Brian was born, but also because I have endured two of the most difficult periods of my life.  I haven't talked to many people about the struggles I have dealt with, haven't felt the need to "get my side of the story" out there, because I know that it really doesn't matter what I say.  People are going to believe what they want to about me- that I can never control.  People are going to say things about me that couldn't be further from the truth; but that is life.  We all go through that in our lives- we have all been victims of rumors at some point.  Is it unfair?  Yes.  It is hurtful?  Definitely.  But it is something that I am going to let control my life and make me unhappy?  Absolutely not.  I refuse to let other people affect my life in that way.  I also know that the people who sincerely care about me and know me will stand by me and know the truth in their hearts.  That is a great comfort to me.  I am extremely thankful for those who have taken the time to send me a card, or call me and stop by, or even just sending me a thoughtful message on Facebook.  Those things have meant more to me than anyone will ever know.  Yes, it makes me sad to think that some people have seem to "avoid" me maybe because they have chosen to believe the things they have heard.  But I will be okay, because I know they weren't really true friends in the first place.  The one thing I am certain of is that God can use my story to bring comfort and understanding to those who are going through similar things.  So if my life can be a testimony to just one person, it is worth it.  That is my sole purpose for creating this blog.  To reach out to others who may be in a similar place.  It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

2007  
After Brian was born in 2007 and I started back to work full-time, I just about hit rock bottom.  Never before in my life had I felt like I had no control over what I was feeling or doing- physically, emotionally, and mentally.  I had the typical after-pregnancy hormone changes, but they just seemed to get worse, not better.  I worried constantly about Brian.  I wanted to protect him from EVERYTHING and I felt like I couldn't.  I didn't want to leave him at all.  Not to even go to the bathroom, let alone to go to work all day.  When I would get to work, I honestly felt like I had never taught before.  It was the hardest thing to deal with because teaching was the most important thing in my life, and I had known from a very early age that it is what God wanted me to do with my life.   But I felt so inadequate.  I worked and worked on things but never felt like I was doing it right or was getting anything accomplished.  I would worry so excessively about doing a good job, and my students, and parents, and coworkers that I just stopped eating.  When I got home at night, I would spend every second I could with Brian and then I would begin working on stuff again, all the while trying to keep my house in order.  I literally was so consumed by everything that I felt like an absolute failure in every area of my life.  What kind of a wife and mother was I if I couldn't even cook a meal?  I stopped sleeping and what little bit I would drift off, I would wake up in a panic attack- sweating, shaking, crying.  I tried so hard to fight these feelings.  Every morning, I would put on a brave front to the rest of the world and go about the day's business. But inside I felt like I was no longer myself.  It got to the point where I was so physically affected by what was going on, that the room would spin and I would feel like I was going to pass out.  Or even my students would be talking to me, but it was like I literally couldn't understand what they were saying.  The only person in my life who could really see through my "pretending" was my mother.  She finally saw me going into such a dark place that she and my stepdad intervened and made me see a doctor.  My doctor diagnosed me as suffering from severe post-partum depression.  I thought that was ridiculous because in my mind, post-partum depression meant wanting to harm your baby.  That was the furthest thing from what I felt.  What I really wanted to do was just be with my baby and take care of him all the time.  And I felt like all my other responsibilities were keeping me from doing that effectively.  When my doctor told me that I HAD to take some time off work because I was dangerously close to needing to be hospitalized, I got so angry.  I had just went back to work and now I was supposed to take time off?  You can't imagine the things going through my mind- everyone was going to be so mad at me, I was going to get fired- you name it, I thought it.  I knew I didn't have a choice, so I finally gave in. My parents took me and Brian home with them for a week.  I don't know what I would have done without my mom.  I was nearly as helpless as my 10 week old baby at that time, but she took care of me every single day and gave me the courage to know I was a good mother and to take care of my son.  I didn't have many visitors while I was there- a few good friends, but not certain family members that should have been there through it all.  That was as hard as the physical hardship I was facing.  After a week, I thought I was ready to go back to school.  I was wrong.  My body had not healed and I was no where near in the right state of mind.  I remember I could barely get dressed that morning.  My mom had to help me.  That morning is even hard for me to remember now.  I just know that a coworker of mine (God bless her) who had been so good to me throughout everything came into my room and I lost it.  She helped me down to the office where I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life- to resign and give myself time to get well.  Although I know in my heart it was the only decision to make at time time, I miss it so much.  But it wasn't even until several months later that I started eating regularly again and actually started feeling like my old self.  The unexpected events that happened the next year would put me in another situation that I had never been in.  I will write about that tomorrow.  Although I am not teaching right now, I would love to do it again full-time someday, because I know that I am capable and that God gave me the gifts to do a good job.