After months of doctor's appointments and medication, I finally started to feel like the fog I had been in was lifting off. I started feeling good, was enjoying my precious time with Brian. I even started helping out at the preschool learning center at our church 2 days a week. It was nice still getting to be around kids, but more as a helper. I was no where near ready to take the lead as a teacher but it did my heart good to be around the kids. Not to mention, I got to work with my sweet cousin who has always been a best friend to me...more a sister than a cousin. Without her help and the rest of my family, I don't know that I would have bounced back as fast. I also met a new friend who has become one of my very best friends, and I know a life-long friend. I had decided to interview for the lead pre-k teacher for the next year and was so excited about it. I thought by then I would be 100% ready and since it would only be 2 days a week, I could still be a stay-at-home mom. AND the days I taught, Brian would get to go to his own class for free.
At the end of May, we had planned our first family vacation with Brian to Branson. We had a blast. Brian rode his first ride at Silver Dollar City and we made lots of sweet memories. I had absolutely no idea that a week later, I would be getting a divorce.
Marriage is definitely work. It is something that you have to consciously strive to maintain. To me, communication is the key to making it work. I guess our communication was off and I didn't know it. Sure, we had our share of fights. Who doesn't? But I never dreamed that I would be left alone to pick up the pieces of something that I didn't know was broken. You can't force someone to be happy. You can't force them to want to make things work. I could blame myself for a million things that I did wrong over the course of my marriage, but the truth is this: everyone is responsible for their own choices. Sometimes we make bad choices, and as Christians and humans, the only thing we can do is ask for God's forgiveness and the one's whom we've wronged. Sometimes we can't even see our mistakes until we have already suffered the consequences for them. Now I can look back and say I don't have any regrets when it comes to my marriage. I worked hard on it, but ultimately, it takes two people to make that choice.
Things got really ugly at times. There were times when I wanted to give up and wake up from the nightmare I was experiencing. My life changed almost overnight. I had no job at the time. I had a 9 month old baby. It was almost too overwhelming to handle. Brian and I stayed with my parents for 2 weeks. It was just too hard to face our "home" that would never be the same. But during those 2 weeks, God gave me a strength that I never knew I had. He also gave me a peace that I could do this. I had a wonderful support system and it was now up to me to continue to provide Brian with a stable, loving home no matter what else was going on. With that in my heart, I moved back home and Brian and I began our lives by ourselves.
I wish I could say it got easier from that point on, but I would be lying. There were still many days where I felt that my heart was breaking all over again. There were many days I felt betrayed more than I ever had before. I had never had to defend myself against lies that were told by people I thought I could trust with my life. I had never had to face this while being a single mom. But everyday, I got stronger and stronger. God took care of every single one of our needs and still continues too. I had to learn how to let go of the things I can't control and know that everything will work out the way God wants them too. And they did. God brought another dear friend into my life and now I not only have the most amazing family but the most wonderful friends I could ever ask for.
Over a year later, I can look back without feeling the way I did while I was going through all of this. My ex-husband and I have a great parenting relationship now that at one point, I didn't think would be possible. We have both apologized to each other for our wrong doings and have been able to put hurt feelings and anger aside for the sake of our beautiful son. I am so very thankful for that. I know there may be times in the future that we might disagree, but I do feel like we can more forward with peace. I also know that God knows my desire for a family of my own. And I know that if I am patient, He is faithful and will give that to me and Brian someday. Until then we have a beautiful little family comprised of a thankful mommy and the most precious baby boy in the world.
0 comments:
Post a Comment