Let Downs

All throughout my childhood, I never really ever had a "best friend" so to speak.  I did the typical little girl best friend thing- usually a different one every year like a lot of little girls do.  Someone you meet in elementary school on that very first day of school that ends up being your best friend for the entire year.  But usually those friendships start to fade away a little over time.  Another school year starts and you don't have the same teacher so you drift towards someone else.  And it really isn't that big of  deal because there always seems to be another new best friend on the horizon.  That is pretty much how my life typically went.

Then in high school, I started to really long for God to send me just one good Christian girlfriend.  Someone I could be honest with who would always be there for me with love and support.  Someone I could offer the same too.  Teenage years are hard and it is just easier to have someone there to help you navigate them.  However, every time I thought I had found the answer to my prayers I would be sadly mistaken.  I had a lot of broken heart moments from these "friends" and just came to the conclusion that I just wasn't meant to have a good girlfriend like that.  In fact, based on experience, my male friends were 10 times more loyal than any girlfriends I ever had.  Now mind you, I have a cousin who I grew up with who was like a sister to me and gave me so much love and support.  But I still wanted that one special friend.

When I was a sophomore in high school I met a boy named Jake who ended up being the best friend I ever had.  I have never had anyone who I could laugh with so hard and tell anything to like I did him. We literally spent every single Friday night together all throughout college even though we went to 2 different schools.  We always made that our night.  I will probably always consider him my best friend because of the years we shared together.  Even though now he lives in New York and is a big-shot doctor :)  We rarely see each other, don't get to talk nearly enough, but when we do it is as if nothing has changed and no time has passed. 

Which brings me to today.  Here I am, almost 30 years old and the longing for that one friend to go through everyday life with me is still strong. I am selfish about this friendship I want so much- I want it for the rest of my life. That person that you call every day to check in with even if is only a 30 second conversation before Brian comes in and hangs up the phone.

I have found that as an adult and even a mother now, failed friendships have hurt me more than any other time.  I have cried more tears, had more hurt feelings now than any time throughout my life.  I wonder why God brings someone into my life to hurt me again.  I know there are reasons, but it still makes it difficult to understand and let go.  I may never understand why people do the things they do, but in my heart I know that maybe it is not for me to understand fully.  I have searched my heart and know that I have done all I can do.  The rest is in God's hands.

I am not trying to throw a pity party or make it seem like I am friendless :)  I have a few dear friends who I absolutely adore and will be forever thankful for their presence in my life. I just wish that life wasn't so busy and that we were able to spend more time together.  I know a lot of the burden falls on me.  Single motherdom and BFF's don't really go hand in hand :)  But I will continue to pray that God will fill that void in my life.