Hard Times

I am having a really hard time lately with being a working mom.  As many of you know, I was convinced that after Brian was born that I would continue teaching elementary school full time.  However, my heart broke into a million pieces the nearly 2 months that I did that because I knew that in my heart I was supposed to stay home with him.  All my life, teaching was my greatest goal and greatest desire of my heart- until Brian Joshua came into this world.  Then it shifted completely.  I wanted to be there with him for everything.  I wanted to teach, but I wanted to teach HIM.  I was in heaven for about 6 months after I resigned from my position until the bottom fell out and I had no choice to go back to work.  I mean, you don't hear of single moms being able to be stay at home moms.  So in order to be able to feed my son, give him a house to live in and clothes for his back, I had to go to work.

Now, don't get me wrong- my job is wonderful as far as having to have a job goes.  I have a lot of flexibility that I wouldn't have had teaching.  But it still is a struggle.

Like these snow days.  Getting to stay home with Brian was wonderful.  But then this morning when I had to go back to work, the sadness set in and the struggling began again.  Brian wanted to play cars for a little bit this morning before work, so I "sacrificed" some time when I should have been making myself look a little better than I actually look today (haha) and we played in his room.  He kept running around and dancing saying, "MY MOMMY!!!!!!"  He was so happy that I was there.  I know in his little 3 year old mind, he thought we were going to be spending the day together again.  I wanted to curl up in the fetal position and cry my heart out.

And to make matters worse, my mom sends me a text after I get to work that said: "He just ran through the house with a sad look and said "Mommy's gone!""  My heart shattered a little more.

And to make matters even WORSE, he is leaving this afternoon to spend the weekend with his dad.  Which is going to be hard anyway because I have had him the last 2 weekends in a row.

So I am asking you to please pray for me specifically.  A few weeks ago, I approached my boss (my stepdad) with a proposal.  Since I am getting married next month, we can afford to take a slight decrease in income.  Wes and I already have a plan in action to pay off my car, get our emergency savings squared away, and then save up 5 months salary.  He wants me to stay at home as much as I do.  So in order to be able to do that, I would have to continue working for 18 months.  Which in the grand scheme of things, isn't a long time. It would be just in time to start homeschooling Brian.  But I came up with a proposal to maybe speed things along. I offered to continue doing all of my responsibilities here at work, but 2 nights a week instead of full time 8-5 everyday.  I have a LOT of downtime here at work.  Frankly, there are days that I watch 6 hours of television on hulu.com to be bluntly honest :)  So I know without a doubt that 2 days a week is plenty for me to maintain my responsibilities here.  I also offered to do this with a nearly $8,000 decrease in pay a year, as well as no longer taking health insurance (I can get on Wes's policy).  So I laid it out there and told him to please think about it.  I am going to approach him about it again soon, so PLEASE pray for me.  I cannot tell you how important this is to me.  It is also so hard to just let go and let God, which is exactly what I need to do.  But silly me, I always get so worked up over things that mean so much to me instead of just trusting in the fact that God will meet my needs and what is best for my family.  So please pray for me to trust and let go of this, and that God will provide a way for me to stay home with Brian more.

Thank you in advance for caring about this crazy :)