My Greatest Wish Come True

Ever since Brian Joshua came into this world, it has always been my greatest dream to get to stay at home and not have to work.  I didn't always feel that way.   When I was a teacher, I used to think that teaching was my greatest accomplishment and my way of making an impact on this world.  When I was pregnant with Brian I had no plans to stop once I became a mom.  And then when he was born my entire mindset changed.  More importantly, my heart changed.  I literally could not bear to be away from him.  I realized the second (literally) that he was placed in my arms that HE was going to be my way of making an impact on the world and that HE was my greatest accomplishment.  I taught a mile from my mom's house and she was the one who took care of Brian when I went back to work. She even used to bring him up on my lunch break sometimes so I could see him but it still wasn't enough.  I cried every morning when I dropped him off and felt like my heart was breaking all day long.  I kept trying to talk myself into feeling differently.  I mean, how lucky was I that if I couldn't be with my baby that my mom was the one taking care of him?  But it didn't work.  It made me miserable and so a little over a month later,  I gave it up to be with my baby and it was the best choice I ever made.

But sadly, about 6 months later I no longer had the ability to stay at home.  I was going through a divorce and it became my sole responsibility to provide for Brian. Sure, there was child support but that didn't cover a drop in the bucket if you know what I mean.  Children are expensive anyway and I wanted so badly to keep Brian right where he was in the same house to keep him from having to adjust even more than he already was.  So I had to work full-time to be able to do that.  And it was important to me to pay my own way and not live off of anyone else.  I wanted to be able to give that example to my son as well.  At one point I was working 3 jobs!  Teaching preschool at my church 2 days a week, then scooting downtown immediately after to work for my stepdad doing his accounting (which I am still blessed to be able to do 2 days a week) and then I cleaned 2 buildings for extra money.  I would start my work day at 8:30 in the morning and it would not end until 11 at night.  I hated it.  So I gave up the teaching and started working for my stepdad full time so I could have a regular 8-5 schedule.  I still cleaned with my mom's help because it was only once a week and didn't take long.  It took every single penny I had to make it, but God saw me through.  I never lost my home.  I never lost my car.  Brian and I never went hungry.  He never went without clothing or things he needed.  Because of God and my wonderful family, we were taken care of constantly for almost 3 years.  Yes, my heart was still broken because I wanted to be home with him, but I didn't have the choice this time.

When I met Wes we used to talk about everything.  I am about 95% sure that the topic of stay-at-home moms came up on our first date.  Were we talking about marriage then?  Heck no!  But we were talking about the things that were important to us and that is when I learned how important it was to my future husband (I would have laughed in your face, by the way, if you had told me on that first date I'd be marrying him.  I was a little anti-men. ha!).  I learned that Wes' mom stayed at home with him and that he attributed many of his achievements in life to that.  They were great buddies, just like I was with my mom who also stayed at home with me.  We both agreed how important it was to have our moms at home with us everyday when we got home from school and how much it helped us stay on the right path when other influences could have been greater in our lives had our moms not been there. 

So fast forward to almost 2 years later and it became a no-brainer for both of us.  It didn't mean we didn't discuss it AT LENGTH many, many times.  Debating on whether or not we could financially make it.  Truth is, it doesn't always add up on paper.  But what we came to realize is that God doesn't need it to add up on paper to work.  He has ALWAYS provided for us.  He provided for just me and Brian and He has since provided for our new family.  He made a way for me to reduce my work to just 2 days a week back in July and we have never gone without.  And although it can be a little scary, we know He will do the same for us come June 1, 2012.  How do we know that?  Because we know we are making this choice for the good of our children.  We know that is what God wants for us and we know if we follow through, He will honor our choice.  I admire those mothers who, like me once, have to work and are still exceptional parents.  Believe me, parenting in itself is hard but parenting alone is even harder.  And even mothers who work and aren't alone should be patted on the back for being able to do both.  I don't judge anyone who chooses to do that.  It just isn't the choice for us.

So I am thrilled beyond belief that even though I will never get the time back that I had to spend away from Brian when he was a baby, I will get to have that time from here on out.  There is no paycheck in the world that could be worth more than that to me.  I will gladly sacrifice material things and extra things and even "stress-free" living to be able to get to be there for my boys.  Thank you, Lord, for this great blessing.