Pushing out the Fear

With Hudson just about 8 weeks away from being here, it has made me think about the time after Brian was born.  Granted, I was living in a completely different situation than I am now, but I also went through a very hard time physically and emotionally.  Just thinking about that time can bring back all the feelings associated with it that were so hard to deal with.  It was actually the very first thing I blogged about here back when I first started this blog.  Sometimes Satan creeps into my mind and puts thoughts in there that make me scared that I will have that same experience again.  I have to remind myself how far God has brought me by giving me a new home life, a completely supportive husband, and the blessing of being able to get to stay at home with my babies.  I know I will not be going back to work so soon (or at all!) this time or having to adjust to leaving my sons at all.   Satan also likes to bring to mind how even when God healed me from that depression that just a few short months later I entered what has probably been the most difficult time of my life.  I think about how my life changed in an instant and how I had to pull up my boot straps and start providing for myself and my baby all alone.   I absolutely hated that time in my life for the lone reason of having to be away from my baby so much.  When I even look at pictures of Brian during that time, I get so emotional.  I want to cry and it is almost painful sometimes to even recall that time because I feel like I had to  miss out on so much.  But even in the midst of that crisis, God still brought good to me.  Instead of leaving my son in daycare where I would constantly be worrying about him, he made it possible for my sweet mama to take care of my little boy.  There was no greater answered prayer at that time.  She did every single thing in her power to make sure I had as much time with Brian as possible.  She would drive up to where I work downtown sometimes once, twice, three times a week just so Brian could eat lunch with me.  She would take countless pictures and text them to me so that I would not feel like I was missing out on anything.  She would also call me a lot and put Brian on the phone and tolerated lovingly what was probably a hundred phone calls a night to check on him (okay, a little bit of an exaggeration there!).  Sometimes I have to literally remind myself as I think of Brian's babyhood that THIS ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME AGAIN.  And it's like once I remember that, I am able to dismiss those terrible thoughts.  God brought me through that!!

Our pastor was talking about how sometimes we have to go through difficult times in life because God has something different for us that what we think we want or need.  Boy, did that prove true in my life.  I can remember literally begging God on my knees to please change my situation and what I was going through.  Crying, pleading, begging Him.  And I just could not understand why He didn't do that for me and Brian.  But, oh, now it is so clear!!  God had something different planned, something so much better than even I thought.  Our pastor said in his message that sometimes we go through things that we would never, ever want to go through again but when we look back we are so thankful that we did go through it and that we did endure it.  That is 100% how I feel about my life right now.

So a little more everyday, I am able to let go of any fears of traveling down that dark path again of depression.  Because I know that He has already set up a stronger support system around me than I am even aware of.  And I know that He is already there just waiting for me to trust Him and take those steps everyday towards the beautiful future that is just about 8 weeks around the corner.  Do I still have fear sometimes?  Yes.  But I am able to see that those are just FEELINGS and that God is so much bigger than that.