This is How I Feel

The past few days have been really hard for me.  I'm physical feeling completely wiped out lately.  Between driving to the hospital 2 days a week, to working 2 days a week, to all the responsibilities I still have at home, to the extra load I'm carrying around, I am just exhausted.  I have days that I wake up more tired that when I went to bed the night before.  And my hormones have decided to take a time warp back to my first trimester.  I cry for no reason, am an emotional wreck and feel very anxious lately.  I get so upset when I feel that way because I know there is no logical reason why I should feel that way- except for the hormones.  I have been feeling very antisocial and just BLAH.  Since I have struggled with clinical depression and anxiety for the past nearly 12 years of my life (and before, just not diagnosed) I HATE when these feelings come up.  I don't ever want them to get severe again, so I have been praying like crazy for my hormones to settle down a little bit.  I know these feelings are due to pregnancy, but I am just always carefully watching myself to make sure I am not going down the road that surpasses "what's normal".  It has always really bothered me that people who have never struggled with depression think that it isn't a real condition.  That it is just having the "wrong" attitude or something you can talk yourself out of or something you can totally change if you just change your thinking.  While a lot of situational depression is like that, having clinical depression is an actual medical condition with actual physical symptoms too.  And for those of us who have gone through some form of it, you do try to have a different attitude or change your thinking but it is just as if you have no control over those things sometimes. Sure, you have to have a willing attitude to overcome what it is you are going through.  Nothing is ever going to change and you will never get well if you are bitter about the situation or negative about the outcome.   It is a very scary, real place to be.  And dwelling on it never helps. But calling out to God and seeking the help of my family and doctors has been the only way I have been able to overcome those times when I hit rock bottom.   I think people who look at depression so negatively and as "something you can help" don't realize how bad that is for the person who is actually going through it.  It is bad enough to feel that way, but to have someone else who looks down on it makes it worse.  It truly isn't any different than having an illness like strep throat or a broken leg.  You have to have help getting past it.  And a lot of times medication.  No one would look down on someone who went to the doctor with strep throat and say "That is weak.  You just need to think more positively or something and it will go away."  That is silly.  Even though I credit God for all my healing from depression in the past, I truly believe it was He that also opened the correct doors for me to get the help I needed in order to overcome it. There were times when all I COULD do was cry out to Him and hope that He could interpret what my sobs meant.  And I know He did.  I also know that He allows us to experience things, both good and bad, in order to better help others going through the same thing.  It isn't easy to understand something you have no experienced yourself and have no concept of yourself- please remember that when dealing with someone going through depression.  You may not understand it, but God does and it is our job as fellow believers to support them and help them through it.  I can say from personal experience that having someone criticize your condition does NOTHING but make it worse.  But having unconditional love and support is what helps you to heal.

I know I have written about this before, but it is something that is on my heart to share.  It somehow helps me to release some of the craziness that I've been feeling lately to talk about it and share what I know about it with others.  God can pull us through ANYTHING and He does it in different ways with different people and different situations.  The key to remember is that every one of us is unique and used by Him in different ways.  He chooses to write each of our stories differently in order to reach certain people and bring glory to Himself for what He can accomplish in our lives no matter the situation.  I read this the other day in my devotional-

   "Suffering is inevitable, but God is not glorified through our suffering alone.  He is glorified when we have a good attitude during our suffering- and when (with Him) we are victorious in our suffering." 

Thank you for listening to my heart.