Fear

Since I had to (reluctantly) start formula feeding Hudson, Wes and I have come up with a little system that helps us both get some rest. We take turns getting up to feed Hudson since he is only waking up once a night to eat. It is so nice to know that you get a full nights rest every other night and has really helped me get better from the sickness that I've been dealing with and extreme exhaustion resulting from the stress of dealing with Hudson's disorder that I have brought on myself. That is why I am up right now and have the time to actually blog- I am on "Hudson Duty" tonight.

It is so hard to let go completely of the worry that has come with us finding out about Hudson's condition. Wes doesn't have a problem with this- he's been through it, knows its manageable and deals with it. Me, on the other hand, does what I do best- worry. Our pastor did a message on this shortly after Hudson was born (God's perfect timing) and how our greatest fears reveal where we trust God the least. When he said that, it devastated me because I never thought of my worrying as saying to God "I don't really trust you with this" but it really does! If I really trusted Him wholly in this area, then I would not have the need to worry. I can't imagine saying that to God in that way, but my actions in worrying say exactly that. I decided right then that I would consciously not allow myself to go there with worry whenever I was faced with Hudson's health in any way. I wanted to show God that I trust Him with my words AND actions. The next doctors appointment we had after that, I did exactly that. And I honestly had no worry. But then we found out we had to do another blood transfusion and you know why I started to do? Worry. I got very sick and had to spend some time in the emergency room the night before Hudson's appointment. I had a pretty nasty virus that made me have to keep away from my kids until it had passed. On top of being extremely sick and in excruciating pain, I couldn't go with Wes to Hudson's appointment the next day to check his blood levels. And that's when I decided I would not worry this time. And I didn't. Until Wes called to tell me they were on their way to get transfused. Boy, did I have a reality check with just how weak my flesh is. I was disgusted with how quickly I had decided to stop trusting God with my son's problem and start "handling" it on my own by worrying.

I have really, really felt like for the last few months that Satan has really been trying to attack my family in so many ways and attacking me by using my struggle with worrying. Back in May, Wes unexpectedly had his overtime stopped at his job which meant with me quitting work after Hudson was born, that we would be hundreds of dollars in the negative every pay day with our bills. So our options were Wes getting a second job or me continuing to work. We were upset and uncertain of what we were going to do for money but determined that my place was at home with the boys and not working. We decided that I would keep working until the day Hudson came, which came earlier than expected and as a surprise. Then came all the chaos of Hudson's disorder. And doctor appointments out the wazoo. Which meant MORE bills that we wouldn't be able to pay. And Satan just preyed on my weakness of worrying. I could sense that more than anything. I could literally see all the ways he was trying to get in my head and steal my joy and turn me away from God. But you know what happened? I kept fighting it. And even though I failed many, many times by beginning to worry, I kept fighting it. I was determined to get a grip on this disease of worrying. Kept asking God to help me overcome it and to help guide and provide for our family. And He sure did.

Wes had decided to just start applying for some part-time work to supplement our income and a few new full-time positions, too (just to see what would happen). Well, God provided a new job for him that pays him enough that it's like I never quit working (he actually got the call to come interview when we were driving home from the hospital with our new baby boy). He also blessed us when my job unexpectedly paid me a full paycheck when Hudson was born even though I didn't work a full pay period because he came early. Somehow we have been able to save enough on our grocery and gas budget to be able to slowly start paying off some of those medical bills, too. And that day of the transfusion when I couldn't be there? Hudson was a rock star and I was able to get well quickly and be with my boys again. God was faithful even when I wasn't being faithful by worrying. I know I am a work in progress and I am going to change that part of me with God helping me. I am determined to learn to live a life without worry. It seems sometimes like I will never be able to overcome that, but then I look at what God has already helped me overcome and it doesn't seem so unreachable anymore.