New Beginnings

Wow, it seems like so many things have been going on in my life!  Changes that are scary but exciting!  I can't believe that is has been 2 years that I have been on my own.  These past 2 years have given me time to heal wounds and hurts from going through a divorce and learn to create a life all on my own raising a child.  Although I in no way agree with divorce, sometimes (like in my situation) it is out of your hands, but really makes you grow and mature as a person.  I am very, very content with my life now.  I know that God has big plans for me and my beautiful (and I mean BEAUTIFUL) son.  I guess for the first time, I feel like I might actually be close to being ready for God to bring someone into my life PERMANENTLY.  Although the time and person is up to God, I feel like right now I would be just fine being without someone.  I think God wanted me to be happy with myself and with Him alone before I would be even close to ready for someone else.  At this point, I feel like a spouse would be a wonderful addition to my already peaceful life, not a MUST-HAVE.  And I also am confident in knowing that the Lord knows my heart and my desire for a family.  I guess what I am saying is that for the first time in my life, I am not impatient about the future. Sure I'm excited, but I know that it will be worth the wait.  Everyday is a day to better myself and grow closer to God and develop the kind of relationship with my son that God wants.

Footprints

I wanted to share something with everyone that happened last week that was so precious to me.  Lately, whenever I get Brian out of the bathtub, he likes me to just bundle him up in a towel and hold him close and rock him.  He likes to sing to me or have me sing to him and he does this for about 15 minutes.  Laying with his sweet head on my chest makes me feel like he is a tiny baby again.  It is without a doubt the best part of my day. 

Last week, I took him out of the tub and stood him up on a towel to wrap him up.  When I lifted him into my arms, I notices that his tiny wet foot had made an impression in the fluffy towel.  It was the most perfect little footprint that I have ever seen (besides the one when he was born). I hurried up and snapped a picture of it so I would never forget that moment.  I love my son with all of my heart and soul.  He has definitely left his little footprints on my life :)

Recovering Perfectionist

Sometimes the thoughts in my head get so jumbled up that the only way I can make sense of them myself is to write about them.  The past few days I have really been struggling with myself.  If you know me at all, you know that I am a MAJOR perfectionist.  I have been since I was a little girl.  I can remember coming home from kindergarten and practicing my letters over and over again because I wanted my teacher to think they were perfect the next day.  So weird that I have always been that way because no one in my life has caused me to be that way- it is completely self-inflicted.  But my entire life I have been bound by this extreme sense of perfectionism and pleasing everyone.  It has only been in my adulthood that I have been able to let go of my desire to make everyone happy.  I know having a child has helped me do this.  I now understand that no matter how pure my intentions are, no matter how hard I try, not everyone is going to like me.  Not everyone is going to see the true Jessica and what is inside my heart, even if I try to show them.  And I am sure that I do the same to people, which I hope God changes in me over time.  This wanting to be "perfect" in everything almost became an obsession for me throughout my life, which only led to many disappointments- mostly in myself (not to mention probably one of the main causes of my health issues).  I have always had the most encouraging, loving family and friends, that no matter what my failures in life, have always stood beside me and loved me despite myself.  And thankfully, I have a God who loves me unconditionally even when I fail.  Sometimes my failures seem much larger to me than they probably really are, which makes it so difficult for me sometimes to just accept God's grace for what it is- a gift.  I honestly feel like I cheat myself out of truly experiencing the fullness of God's grace.  I constantly feel like I need to prove myself to God, that I can be deserving of his amazing gift.  But the truth is, I will NEVER be deserving of it.  That is what makes it a gift.  It is something that is  completely and rightly undeserved.  So it is a constant battle within myself to get over my self-loathing enough to simply say "thank you" and let God's love fill my heart.  And the only way I can give back at all to Him is with gratitude, praise, and living my life the way He wants.  By sharing His gift, I am honoring his gift to me.  This is something that is far from being perfected in my life, but I am striving for daily.  "He must become greater, I must become less." John 3:30

This song puts my feelings into words FAR better than I can.

For What It’s Worth

Sidewalk Prophets

For what it’s worth
I’ll give all that I have
Without ever looking back I’ll follow you
For what it’s worth
I will offer up my life
As living proof of what Your love can do
I will run and not grow weary, I will walk and not be faint
I can’t sing loud enough
I could never earn Your love
I’m just a glimpse of the hope You see in me
Hold my heart in Your hands
Jesus, help me understand
I can only give my life, for what it’s worth
For what it’s worth

I am standing here amazed
By the wonders that Your mighty hands have made
I don’t deserve
To be covered by Your grace
So with every breath the least that I can say
I will run and not grow weary, I will walk and not be faint
I can’t sing loud enough
I could never earn Your love
I’m just a glimpse of the hope You see in me
Hold my heart in Your hands
Jesus, help me understand
I can only give my life, for what it’s worth

I will give my all to You my king
There is nothing more that you ask of me
I will lift will lift my voice, and I will sing
There is nothing more that I can give a king
I will lift my voice, I will lift my voice
I can’t sing loud enough
I could never earn Your love
I’m just a glimpse of the hope You see in me
Hold my heart in Your hands
Jesus, help me understand
I can only give my life, for what it’s worth
I can only give my life, for what it’s

Ch-Ch-Changes

I was looking at my hundreds (okay, probably thousands) of pictures that I have taken since Brian was born.  Since I recently redecorated his bedroom in to a "big boy" room, seeing the ones of his nursery really made me realize just how fast he is growing up and changing. 

 Here is his nursery

 

And a picture of that sweet baby who lived there

Here was his semi-big boy room (and his Handy Manny phase)

And the spunky one year old that lived there...

And finally, his big boy room

And the amazingly sweet, big-hearted big boy that lives there...

Through all the growing and changing, one thing remains the same.  Everyday I can see my little boy growing into a kind, loving, compassionate little man.  Thank you, Lord, for choosing me to help guide him in life :)

Floating Away

That is about how I've been feeling these days.  I am really tired of feeling so yucky and not having anything really help yet.  I am going to the doctor about every 2-3 weeks after trying different things to regulate my blood pressure.  My new medication has helped lower it tremendously, but the major problem now is the abnormal amount of swelling I am having in my legs and ankles.  It was early in the day and it looked like my legs did when I was about to give birth to Brian.  It frustrates me because I feel tired all the time and because the swelling makes my body look so strange.  I have ALWAYS had pretty bad swelling in my legs but always thought it was because of the Rheumatoid Arthritis I had as a child.  I guess I should have mentioned it to my doctors even after the test showed the RA wasn't active anymore, but I just thought it was part of it.  The doctor doubled my diuretic and wants to see me in 3 weeks.  If the swelling has not gone down significantly, he says it's time to see a cardiologist.  Sometimes your heart can be pumping too slow and that results in the fluid accumulation.  Or he said something about a leaky valve, which I think sounds scarier than it is.  Either way, I would like to have some answers and have some of this swelling gone.  I think that is attributing to my being so tired and having no energy.  This is my first day on the new medication so we'll see how this is going to work.
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On a lighter note, my son is a miniature comedian.  Really, where did he get his sense of humor?  Here is a little conversation we had last night:

ME:  Brian, it's time to go night-night. (He runs into his room and jumps in the bed.  We say our prayers and he starts to kick the wall with his feet.)

ME:  Brian, we don't kick the wall.  That's not nice.

BRIAN:  (turning his face towards me and smiling)  Wass up? (turns around and continues kicking the wall)

ME:  Brian, Mommy said that's not nice.  You know you're not supposed to do that.

BRIAN:  Wass up, Ma?

He obviously was trying to play the innocent, cute card here although it didn't get him very far.  He lost his cuddling buddy right after that because he chose not to obey :)

A New Bedtime Ritual....Sorta

All of my little son's precious life he has been so good about sleeping through the night and going to bed without a fight.  He has made things very easy for his mama.  When he was a baby, I used to rock him for a little while and that was it.  Then more recently, I would cover him up, he would say "night-night, bye!" and I would leave the room.  The last few weeks have been a little different though.

We have cut out our Backyardigans watching before bed.  #1) because he only wants Thomas now.  and #2) because when I get home from work, we spend time together without ANY T.V. (the only TV he gets to watch at that time occasionally is his Thomas the Train music videos just because he LOVES the songs.  And we actually sing and dance along so I don't really count that as watching T.V.)  I don't think there is anything wrong with letting kids have some TV time everyday, I just try to leave that for my mom to use during the day.  Some days she doesn't feel 100% and they have some cuddle time while watching some learning shows.  But when I get home, I have missed him like crazy and just want to spend time with him!  So we eat dinner, take a bath, and then play in his room until we start the teethbrusing/diaper changing bedtime routine at 7:15. My child is very routine-oriented and so he goes to bed religiously at 7:30 every night when he is with me, unless it is a VERY special occasion.  He is just one of those kids who has a hard day the next day if his schedule is messed with too much. 

Now, he still jumps right into bed when I say it's time to go night-night.  Still no tears or arguing or fit-throwing- which I am thankful for.  Heaven knows if he cried I would be crammed into that little twin bed with him until the wee hours of the morning!  But now, instead of saying "night-night, bye!" he wants to cuddle.  And I mean, hardcore cuddle.  He puts those sweet little arms around my neck and will NOT let me go until he drifts off.  If I try to get up, he almost panics and says, "no, no, no..." He has never been one to be exceptionally clingy, but lately at bedtime he has been.  Occasionally, the cuddling will be interrupted by some fake snoring by Brian which takes a LOT of effort on his part.  He really works it up to get the best snort he can in there.  That gets me to laughing so hard which in turn makes him laugh until we are both exhausted from laughing. 

Sometimes I can be in there cuddling for an hour!  I think about all the things I need to do to get ready for the next day, working out, just time to relax.  But then I think about how blessed I am that I have a precious baby who loves me so much and just wants to end his day cuddling with his mama.  So all those other things take a backseat.  And I'm not gonna lie- sometimes I fall asleep too!  But it is worth it to have some beautiful blue eyes looking up at me and saying "I lub you" and giving me wet kisses on the lips :)

Anti-Social

It has been a very long time since my last post.  Holidays have came and gone, all keeping things very busy for me.  And to be honest, I have been in sort of an "anti-social" mood lately.  I am typically a loner by nature anyway (maybe because I am an only child?) but sometimes I get caught in a funk where I REALLY want to be alone and I don't even know why.  I don't necessarily like feeling like that, but it happens from time to time and this just happens to be one of them.
  I have also not been feeling very well.  I have been seeing my doctor about changing up my blood pressure medicine because it is staying so high and I can't get it to go down.  I am also having a LOT of swelling from it.  I work out everyday, watch what I eat and nothing.  I feel so tired all the time and like I have no energy.  I think this may have something to do with my moods.  Anyway, hopefully I can get some stuff figured out so I can start to feel more like a 28 year old and less like an 80 year old.
On a lighter note, my son is talking like crazy more and more everyday.  Sometimes I am amazed by the stuff that comes out of that kid's mouth!  He is actually very witty :)