Oh, what a Thursday!

Okay, so yesterday has officially gone down in the Jessica Marie George history book as one of the CRAZIEST days ever.  There I was at work, minding my own business, feeling productive when I looked at the clock and noticed it was almost time for Brian to come up.  He spends every Tuesday/Thursday afternoon with me at work and then his dad comes and picks him up for a few hours.  I was excited so I met him outside and he wanted to run around the parking lot.  It was a beautiful day so I thought that would be fun.  WRONG.  Because he inherited my gracefulness (ha) he tripped over a parking space boulder and went flying through the air and landed ON HIS FACE.  Panic started to set in and I felt like I lost all feeling in my legs.  See, Brian falls about a MILLION times a day (seriously) and he usually gets up and just says "I okay!".  He is a tough cookie.  So when he cries, he is HURT.  Well, he lifted up his head and started to cry and blood started literally pouring from his mouth.  I wanted to throw up, cry, run away, etc...I picked him up and he was screaming, "MOMMY!  MOMMY!"  We rushed him into the office and into the bathroom and tried to get the bleeding to stop so I could look in his mouth.  I didn't know if he knocked out some teeth, bit his tongue!  There was so much blood!  I finally got to check it out and it was just his top lip that was busted.  Poor little guy.  He was so brave.  I literally felt drained the rest of the day after that happened.

Fast forward to Thursday night.  I was pretty much glad the day was coming to an end and was enjoying some cuddle time with my fat lipped baby.  When it was time for Brian to go to bed, I thought I would lay next to him for a few minutes since he'd had a rough day.

Bad idea.  Bad, bad idea.

He was being a typical little boy, wrestling with his blanket when "BAM" the back of his head hit me in the eye.  It hurt so bad and instantly brought tears down my face.  I seriously halfway expected to look up and see starts dancing around my head like in cartoons.  I couldn't help but cry and I felt so bad because Brian kept saying, "I sorry, Mommy!  I sorry!  You alright?"  Poor little guy.  I tried to reassure him between choking sobs :)

Needless to say, I put myself to bed soon after that.  And I have a lovely souvenir to remember yesterday by. 

I was relieved to wake up this morning to start a new day.  I went to Walmart to get some soda for the office and as I was leaving a 12 pack of Pepsi fell out of my cart and busted all over the floor and onto me.  Nice....I don't know if today is going to be better or not...

Forgiveness - Part 2

 Okay, so my last post was about forgiveness and how I was able to find that in my broken marriage.  But I am still struggling with another area of forgiveness.  There were a few people who have just beat me up emotionally over the past few years in many different ways- by words, actions.  These people have caused em a great deal of pain and anxiety.  It seemed to me that their mission in life was to make mine miserable.  To run me into the ground every chance they got.  I can't say that I was angry with them, it was more of a deep hurt and not being able to understand why they chose to do these things.  I guess maybe it did lead to anger eventually because of the frustration of why it continued to happen and why it was happening in the first place. 
  I was told today that I needed to let go and forgive them.  I thought that I had already forgiven them, but then I realized, had I really?  If I had truly forgiven them, wouldn't I have the same peace about it that I have with my ex husband?  If I had truly forgiven them, then why was I continuing to be held down by what had happened in the past?
  Forgiveness is NOT easy.  It is probably one of the most difficult things we have to do as humans, and yet the one thing that WE long for the most for ourselves.  I wish it were easy for me to forgive as Jesus commanded us.  I can imagine that I would have saved myself a lot of tears, heartache and anxiety if I could.  The bottom line is, I hadn't truly forgive these people. Otherwise, those feelings would be at peace.  I wouldn't have the anxiety that I still do or even the FEAR of these people and what they can do to me.  The truth is, I should not have fear of them.  I should choose to do what God wants.  He is the only one who matters.  But why is it so hard?  Why am I being so stubborn about it? I found this article on forgiving others by Elisabeth Elliot that I really related to.  Forgiving is hard.  Our human emotions want to hold a grudge, for others to see that they have hurt us.  But that is God's place, not mine.  Please pray for me as I am learning to let go of these things and forgive.

 Forgiving others- Elisabeth Elliot

So in Colossians 3:13 we are told that we have to bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Now that part is hard enough. How about the last half? "Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Colossians 3:13. "Forgive as the Lord forgave you," which means "lay down your desire for vindication."

"But she was wrong! Why do I have to forgive her?" I've given you all the reasons from Scripture. I am to lay down my desire for vindication. I would like to be vindicated. I would like it to be known that I was right, but God doesn't give me that privilege. I am to lay down my desire for vindication. I am to lay down my right to an apology. That's a tough one. You may have a right to an apology, because the person really did wrong you.But how about just getting rid of the burden, getting rid of asking yourself, "When is that woman ever going to realize what she did to me?" The chances are, she's not going to realize it and she's not interested in realizing it and she's forgotten all about it, perhaps. So why lug through life all that terrible burden of vindictiveness and bitterness? 

I'm sure that all of us know somebody who is just like a tiger in a corner. We had one in our church. She was a woman that lashed out like a tiger with everybody that came near her. We were all scared to death of her. Nobody wanted to get near that poor woman. She was so angry, and nobody seemed to be able to figure out what it was.I remember one time-I was sitting right behind her in church. She had just taken off her coat and she flopped the coat over the pew in front of her. The coat fell off on the floor. She was so angry that she grabbed that coat and she just threw it against the pew in front of her, as if it was the fault of that coat. That's how angry she was.But there was no question that she was filled with un-dealt-with bitterness.

Lay down your desire for vindication. Lay down your right to an apology. Lay down the pleasure that you might get from that person's humiliation. 

Let's be honest with ourselves. It would be very pleasant if the person who wronged us was humiliated by it. Lay down your will, in other words. "Bring every thought," it says in 2 Corinthians 10, "under obedience to Christ." Every thought is to be brought under obedience.

Someone is sitting here this afternoon and saying, "Elisabeth, I can't do that. I just know that I will never be able to do that." So I want to read you a poem that Amy Carmichael wrote. Psalm 56:3 is what she headed it with. "Nevertheless, although I am sometimes afraid, yet put I my trust in Thee."

Perhaps you're afraid that you're going to lose something very valuable if you let go of that bitterness. This is what she writes: "Never will I ask of thee more than thou canst do. Ever I will be with thee, Savior, Shepherd, too. Never shall go forth from Me too hard for thee. Trust Me then, O child of Mine, faith knows not to fear. Thou art Mine and I am thine; I am always near. Near to be thy strong defense, quietness and confidence."

Romano Guardini said, "Forgiveness is renouncing the right to administer justice to oneself." Put that down in your book, will you? Renouncing the right to administer justice to oneself. "Relinquishment of the wish to see punishment meted out to others." It is very soothing, isn't it, to see punishment meted out to somebody else who has done you in. "Forgiveness is quitting the questionable territory of desires. Pain for pain leads to the open country of freedom. Forgiveness reestablishes order by acquitting the offender and thereby placing him in a new and higher order of justice. He who insists on rights"-and this is the most important part-"He who insists on rights places himself outside the community of men. He would like to be judged of men rather than one of them. Only forgiveness frees us from the injustice of others." Only forgiveness frees us from the injustice of others.

Now let me give you just four points which will show you how to forgive. And these, very quickly. 

Number one, receive the grace. You won't be able to forgive unless you have received the grace. Matthew 18:21-35. I love what Corrie ten Boom says: "When God casts our sins into the depths of the sea, He puts up a sign and says, 'No fishing.'"

Number two, acknowledge the wrong. Be straightforward with God. Acknowledge the fact that this person has wronged you, like Alexander the coppersmith. That's an important step. If you don't acknowledge the wrong, you don't have anything to forgive.

Number three, lay down all your rights. "Lose your life for My sake," Jesus said. Forgiveness is the unconditional laying down of the self. That's all under number three now. Lay down all the rights.

Number four, what to do to and for the one who has wronged you. What shall I do? Okay, I'll give you a, b, c, and d under these four. 

A) If he asks for forgiveness, forgive him. You don't have to write that down. That's so simple. If he asks for forgiveness, of course you say yes. "As we forgive those who trespass against us." B) If he doesn't, you go ahead and forgive him in a private transaction before God. If he does not forgive you, forgive him in a private transaction before God.

C) Pray for him. Opposition will be melted as you pray for him. 

D) And this is probably the toughest thing of all-Ask for grace to treat him as if nothing had ever happened. Ask for grace to treat that person as if nothing had ever happened.

When I had a very, very painful situation with a family member, God reminded me that what I needed to do was to stand with Christ for her, instead of with His adversary against her. Ask for grace to treat her or him as if nothing had ever happened. Forgive that person, even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you.

What relief! What peace! "Oh, what peace we often forfeit; oh, what needless pain we bear, all because we"-and we could put in here, "have not forgiven somebody." It says in the hymn, "All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer." I trust that there will be some today who will be relieved of that crushing burden. Go to the foot of the cross. It's amazing how things look so much simpler and so much quieter when we go to the foot of the cross.

Forgiveness

Wow, I have really been slackin' on the blog updating.  Almost made it an entire month this time! 

I have really been thinking about forgiveness a lot lately.  Yesterday marked a year since my divorce was finalized. In about a month I will have been on my own for 2 years (yes, it took a long time).  When I look back to 2 years ago, I see someone totally different than I do now.  I see a very hurt, bitter, sad person (mostly hurt).  I can remember seeing my life change before my eyes and not having any control over it.  That's the scary/crazy part about life.  Sometimes even though it's YOUR life, other people make the choices for you and no matter how hard you try, you can't change things. But there is one thing that IS certain in life.  God can take a seemingly hopeless situation and turn it into good.  I would like to be able to say that I did not struggle with that at all, but I would be lying.  There were many, many days I spent worrying, crying, wondering how I could possibly make it on my own.  I was a stay-at-home mom at the time. I had no job.  I did NOT want to depend on my parent's to carry me financially.  I had spent the past 6 months recovering from the worst depression I have ever experienced. And God provided for me and Brian.  He worked everything out and all I had to do was trust him.  My mom said to me once after everything first happened, "Jessica, God has carried you so many times and you don't even realize it."  She was right.  Even during the dark times, He was there.

For a long time, I harbored a lot of resentment.  How could someone just walk away?  Why could I forgive people for mistakes made but they couldn't seem to do the same?  How was it always all my fault?  Questions that seemed to dominate my life for such a long time.  I am sure people resented me for a lot of mistakes I had made and I sure resented them for the things they said and did to me.  It would almost eat me alive. People would slam me and say things about me that they knew nothing about in reality. Things that crushed my spirit because I could not stop them.  I would go to church, see my friends with their husbands and families and cry because I no longer had one. I could not see past that.  It wasn't until I realized that I did everything I could do that I was able to find peace.  I had apologized for my past mistakes, worked hard to have a good marriage, but that was all I could do.  I had done everything humanly possible to make my marriage work, and ultimately, it wasn't my choice.  Once that became clear to me, I knew I had to let it go.  I knew that I could not claim to be a Christian and harbor the kind of resentment that I was.  I knew that it was wrong of me to accept Christ's forgiveness of MY sin and yet refuse to forgive someone else.  If God could willingly die for my sins so that I would have forgiveness, then it was my duty to forgive also.  Even if I wasn't even sure how.  It was a struggle, don't get me wrong, but the peace and freedom that it gave me was worth it.  There came a day when we both cried and told each other how we felt and BOTH apologized and offered forgiveness to each other.  Yes, we have regrets. Yes, we both wish things had been different. But God gave us a precious gift of forgiveness that led to a relationship that is based in mutual caring and consideration of each other and our son, not a relationship that is rooted in bitterness and hatred.  THANK GOD FOR THAT.  Divorce is wrong.  It is not God's plan.   Just as sin is not God's plan for us.  But I am a sinner, along with everyone else on the Earth, who is loved by God so dearly that His love for me (us) is far greater than any wrong I could ever do. And by His grace, a situation as bad as divorce can be made into something good. I am thankful everyday that God has not given up on me but has pulled me from every dark situation in my life, who has rescued me from bad choices, who has carried me even when I was unaware of His presence.  It all comes down to love and forgiveness.  I pray that God will help me become a person who can love and forgive people just as He has loved and forgiven me.  That is something that I am far, far from doing on my own.  My sinful nature wants to come out and say mean things back to people who hurt me, to start rumors about people who have started them about me, but that is NOT the right thing to do.  God knows our hurt, our frustration.   It is up to us to make the choice to not take that route, but instead to give it to Him. 

Doctor Visit

I have had some people ask how my appointment with the cardiologist went this morning and I got LOTS of information while I was there, so I thought it would be easiest to post on my blog instead of typing everything over and over.

Most of you know that I have had extremely high blood pressure for the last 7 years.  I was diagnosed as having it when I was 22 years old.  Since then, it has been hard to control even with medication at times. I have also had several other health issues going on related to it- extreme swelling of my legs, frequent heart palpitations, and just an overall feeling of yuckiness (NO energy, feeling as tired when I wake up as when I go to bed.)  My doctor has tried switching my medications, which helped regulate my blood pressure a little more, but only helped with the swelling minimally and the other symptoms not at all.  I have a wonderful new doctor who immediately referred me to a cardiologist when he saw that nothing he was trying had helped.   He also thought it was very odd that my previous doctor had never referred me to a cardiologist before or had any heart tests run.  Prior to today's visit, I went to the hospital and had 3 tests run in advance so he could look over the results before my visit today. SO, here is what I found out today from the cardiologist:

1)  There is DEFINITELY something wrong that is causing the HBP (neither of my parents have high blood pressure and no one in my family has ever had it at a young age, so he said it was impossible for it to be "just the way my body is" as I have been told before in the past)

2)  Because of my age, the fact that I'm not obsese and strictly watch my fat and sodium intake and am still having so many issues means that it could be difficult to determine exactly what it is right away.  It can sometimes be hard to find the answers.

3) Due to all of my other symptoms, he thinks the HBP may very likely be because I have Sleep Apnea.  Sleep Apnea is when you actually stop breathing in your sleep, causing you to swell, be very lethargic, have depression and headaches and high blood pressure. I have ALL of these symptoms. My stepdad and ex-husband have this and they snore like freight trains so it was obvious that something was going on- I don't.  That is why never in a million years I would have thought my high blood pressure could be caused by something like this. But it sure makes a lot of sense.

4)  Kidney Function-  He said my HBP could also be a result of my kidneys not functioning correctly.  whatever that means!


He wanted me to have a sleep study done and a renal ultrasound done ASAP, so tomorrow night I will be going to the hospital to spend the night and have both of these things done.  Then I see my doctor next week on Thursday to go over the results and proceed from there.  I would LOVE for it to be something as simple as wearing a breathing machine for the rest of my life at night so that I could be off my medication!  For the first time, I feel HOPEFUL that I can find out what has made me feel so terrible during my entire twenties.  So thankful that God has blessed me with 2 great doctors!

Thank you for checking on me and sending prayers my way.  I appreciate it and will let everyone know what I find out next week. Wish me luck at the sleep clinic tomorrow night!!  I may have to take Brian's blankie for comfort :)

Jessica

New Beginnings

Wow, it seems like so many things have been going on in my life!  Changes that are scary but exciting!  I can't believe that is has been 2 years that I have been on my own.  These past 2 years have given me time to heal wounds and hurts from going through a divorce and learn to create a life all on my own raising a child.  Although I in no way agree with divorce, sometimes (like in my situation) it is out of your hands, but really makes you grow and mature as a person.  I am very, very content with my life now.  I know that God has big plans for me and my beautiful (and I mean BEAUTIFUL) son.  I guess for the first time, I feel like I might actually be close to being ready for God to bring someone into my life PERMANENTLY.  Although the time and person is up to God, I feel like right now I would be just fine being without someone.  I think God wanted me to be happy with myself and with Him alone before I would be even close to ready for someone else.  At this point, I feel like a spouse would be a wonderful addition to my already peaceful life, not a MUST-HAVE.  And I also am confident in knowing that the Lord knows my heart and my desire for a family.  I guess what I am saying is that for the first time in my life, I am not impatient about the future. Sure I'm excited, but I know that it will be worth the wait.  Everyday is a day to better myself and grow closer to God and develop the kind of relationship with my son that God wants.

Footprints

I wanted to share something with everyone that happened last week that was so precious to me.  Lately, whenever I get Brian out of the bathtub, he likes me to just bundle him up in a towel and hold him close and rock him.  He likes to sing to me or have me sing to him and he does this for about 15 minutes.  Laying with his sweet head on my chest makes me feel like he is a tiny baby again.  It is without a doubt the best part of my day. 

Last week, I took him out of the tub and stood him up on a towel to wrap him up.  When I lifted him into my arms, I notices that his tiny wet foot had made an impression in the fluffy towel.  It was the most perfect little footprint that I have ever seen (besides the one when he was born). I hurried up and snapped a picture of it so I would never forget that moment.  I love my son with all of my heart and soul.  He has definitely left his little footprints on my life :)

Recovering Perfectionist

Sometimes the thoughts in my head get so jumbled up that the only way I can make sense of them myself is to write about them.  The past few days I have really been struggling with myself.  If you know me at all, you know that I am a MAJOR perfectionist.  I have been since I was a little girl.  I can remember coming home from kindergarten and practicing my letters over and over again because I wanted my teacher to think they were perfect the next day.  So weird that I have always been that way because no one in my life has caused me to be that way- it is completely self-inflicted.  But my entire life I have been bound by this extreme sense of perfectionism and pleasing everyone.  It has only been in my adulthood that I have been able to let go of my desire to make everyone happy.  I know having a child has helped me do this.  I now understand that no matter how pure my intentions are, no matter how hard I try, not everyone is going to like me.  Not everyone is going to see the true Jessica and what is inside my heart, even if I try to show them.  And I am sure that I do the same to people, which I hope God changes in me over time.  This wanting to be "perfect" in everything almost became an obsession for me throughout my life, which only led to many disappointments- mostly in myself (not to mention probably one of the main causes of my health issues).  I have always had the most encouraging, loving family and friends, that no matter what my failures in life, have always stood beside me and loved me despite myself.  And thankfully, I have a God who loves me unconditionally even when I fail.  Sometimes my failures seem much larger to me than they probably really are, which makes it so difficult for me sometimes to just accept God's grace for what it is- a gift.  I honestly feel like I cheat myself out of truly experiencing the fullness of God's grace.  I constantly feel like I need to prove myself to God, that I can be deserving of his amazing gift.  But the truth is, I will NEVER be deserving of it.  That is what makes it a gift.  It is something that is  completely and rightly undeserved.  So it is a constant battle within myself to get over my self-loathing enough to simply say "thank you" and let God's love fill my heart.  And the only way I can give back at all to Him is with gratitude, praise, and living my life the way He wants.  By sharing His gift, I am honoring his gift to me.  This is something that is far from being perfected in my life, but I am striving for daily.  "He must become greater, I must become less." John 3:30

This song puts my feelings into words FAR better than I can.

For What It’s Worth

Sidewalk Prophets

For what it’s worth
I’ll give all that I have
Without ever looking back I’ll follow you
For what it’s worth
I will offer up my life
As living proof of what Your love can do
I will run and not grow weary, I will walk and not be faint
I can’t sing loud enough
I could never earn Your love
I’m just a glimpse of the hope You see in me
Hold my heart in Your hands
Jesus, help me understand
I can only give my life, for what it’s worth
For what it’s worth

I am standing here amazed
By the wonders that Your mighty hands have made
I don’t deserve
To be covered by Your grace
So with every breath the least that I can say
I will run and not grow weary, I will walk and not be faint
I can’t sing loud enough
I could never earn Your love
I’m just a glimpse of the hope You see in me
Hold my heart in Your hands
Jesus, help me understand
I can only give my life, for what it’s worth

I will give my all to You my king
There is nothing more that you ask of me
I will lift will lift my voice, and I will sing
There is nothing more that I can give a king
I will lift my voice, I will lift my voice
I can’t sing loud enough
I could never earn Your love
I’m just a glimpse of the hope You see in me
Hold my heart in Your hands
Jesus, help me understand
I can only give my life, for what it’s worth
I can only give my life, for what it’s