Let Downs

All throughout my childhood, I never really ever had a "best friend" so to speak.  I did the typical little girl best friend thing- usually a different one every year like a lot of little girls do.  Someone you meet in elementary school on that very first day of school that ends up being your best friend for the entire year.  But usually those friendships start to fade away a little over time.  Another school year starts and you don't have the same teacher so you drift towards someone else.  And it really isn't that big of  deal because there always seems to be another new best friend on the horizon.  That is pretty much how my life typically went.

Then in high school, I started to really long for God to send me just one good Christian girlfriend.  Someone I could be honest with who would always be there for me with love and support.  Someone I could offer the same too.  Teenage years are hard and it is just easier to have someone there to help you navigate them.  However, every time I thought I had found the answer to my prayers I would be sadly mistaken.  I had a lot of broken heart moments from these "friends" and just came to the conclusion that I just wasn't meant to have a good girlfriend like that.  In fact, based on experience, my male friends were 10 times more loyal than any girlfriends I ever had.  Now mind you, I have a cousin who I grew up with who was like a sister to me and gave me so much love and support.  But I still wanted that one special friend.

When I was a sophomore in high school I met a boy named Jake who ended up being the best friend I ever had.  I have never had anyone who I could laugh with so hard and tell anything to like I did him. We literally spent every single Friday night together all throughout college even though we went to 2 different schools.  We always made that our night.  I will probably always consider him my best friend because of the years we shared together.  Even though now he lives in New York and is a big-shot doctor :)  We rarely see each other, don't get to talk nearly enough, but when we do it is as if nothing has changed and no time has passed. 

Which brings me to today.  Here I am, almost 30 years old and the longing for that one friend to go through everyday life with me is still strong. I am selfish about this friendship I want so much- I want it for the rest of my life. That person that you call every day to check in with even if is only a 30 second conversation before Brian comes in and hangs up the phone.

I have found that as an adult and even a mother now, failed friendships have hurt me more than any other time.  I have cried more tears, had more hurt feelings now than any time throughout my life.  I wonder why God brings someone into my life to hurt me again.  I know there are reasons, but it still makes it difficult to understand and let go.  I may never understand why people do the things they do, but in my heart I know that maybe it is not for me to understand fully.  I have searched my heart and know that I have done all I can do.  The rest is in God's hands.

I am not trying to throw a pity party or make it seem like I am friendless :)  I have a few dear friends who I absolutely adore and will be forever thankful for their presence in my life. I just wish that life wasn't so busy and that we were able to spend more time together.  I know a lot of the burden falls on me.  Single motherdom and BFF's don't really go hand in hand :)  But I will continue to pray that God will fill that void in my life.

Some Info to Consider

I thought I would share some additional information on Celiac disease with you because it is so much more common than people think and it's symptoms are so often similar to other things.  Also, if anyone in your family (especially immediate family) has been diagnosed, it really is important to be tested.  I am going to be speaking with Brian's pediatrician on his next visit about getting him tested.  It is better to know early before so much damage has been done.  Because of my mom's diagnosis, I have a less chance of developing the severe damage that she has.


I got this list of symptoms verbatim from the Celiac Foundation website www.celiac.org


Celiac Disease can appear at any time in a person’s life. In adults, the disease can be triggered for the first time after surgery, viral infection, severe emotional stress, pregnancy or childbirth. CD is a multi-system, multi-symptom disorder. Symptoms vary and are not always gastrointestinal (GI). GI symptoms can often mimic other bowel disorders. Infants, toddlers and young children with CD may often exhibit growth failure, vomiting, bloated abdomen, behavioral changes and failure to thrive.

CLASSIC SYMPTOMS MAY INCLUDE
* Abdominal cramping, intestinal gas
* Distention and bloating of the stomach
* Chronic diarrhea or constipation (or both)
* Steatorrhea – fatty stools
* Anemia – unexplained, due to folic acid, B12 or iron deficiency (or all)
* Unexplained weight loss with large appetite or weight gain

OTHER SYMPTOMS
* Dental enamel defects
* Osteopenia, osteoporosis
* Bone or joint pain
* Fatigue, weakness and lack of energy
* Infertility – male/female
* Depression
* Mouth ulcers
* Delayed puberty
* Tingling or numbness in hands or feet
* Migraine headaches

SOME LONG-TERM CONDITIONS THAT CAN RESULT FROM UNTREATED CD
* Iron deficiency anemia
* Early onset osteoporosis or osteopenia
* Vitamin K deficiency associated with risk for hemorrhaging
* Vitamin and mineral deficiencies
* Central and peripheral nervous system disorders - usually due to unsuspected nutrient deficiencies
* Pancreatic insufficiency
* Intestinal lymphomas and other GI cancers (malignancies)
* Gall bladder malfunction
* Neurological manifestations

I had about 10 of the chronic symptoms on a regular basis, but even if you have just a few and they have been long term it would be worth mentioning to your doctor.

Finally Some Answers!

As many of you know, I had a biopsy on my intestine and a colonoscopy (ew) back on December 23rd.  I have been having so many stomach issues over the past few years that I went to my mom's GI.  I have blogged before about how my mom has something called Celiac Disease (along with 2 others in my family) and thought I may have it too.  My family doctor took a blood test which came back negative.  However, the GI doc said that the blood test is highly unreliable and the only true way to diagnose it is with a biopsy.  The only reason they did a colonoscopy is because of the history of colon cancer in my family and the fact that I was already going to be knocked out for the biopsy.  Kind of like killing 2 birds with one stone.

But it was me that nearly killed over.

Drinking the nasty liquid stuff (64 oz to be exact) the night before is what just about killed me.  It was the most disgusting stuff I have ever tasted.  By the time I took the last gulp, I literally couldn't handle one ounce more.

I was a little nervous going in for the procedure simply because it had been so long since I had something like that done.  And I usually get very nauseous and sick when I am put under anesthesia for anything.   After showing up for my 9am procedure and not being taken back until NOON (yeah, can you believe that?!) I was kind of relieved to be able to take a nap :)

While I was in recovery, the doctor came out and talked to my mom.  I had Celiac too.  Thankfully, it was just starting to show subtly, not to the point of being as severe as my mom's.  I had what they call "scalloping of the duodenum" which is a sign of the disease.  I had a lot of inflammed areas in my stomach that they biopsied so I had to wait 10 days to find out the results of those.

I got a little emotional when my mom told me the news.  After feeling bad for so long with no straight answer, you start to just kind of give up on a solution.  Even though I would rather not have it and not have to deal with such a strict diet, it was a relief to know that I could do something to make myself feel better.  And I have the best family who have already been such a big help for giving me suggestions on the diet.  They are pros!

On Friday, I got my biopsy results.  I have something called Bile Gastritis which is a back up of bile in my stomach which causes a lot of symptoms I'd been having.  They also found a polyp in my stomach which is just being irritatied by the other stuff.  So I have to take this not-very-good-tasting liquid medicine (and a lot of it) after each meal and before bedtime. It is a medicine that is used to treat stomach ulcers from getting worse.  The good news is that they told me if I did well on the liquid medicine for 10 days, I could take the pill form! YAY!

For those of you who don't know me that well, I was the weirdo kid in the pediatricians office that would ask for a shot in exchange for having to take liquid medicine.  I HATE it.  And still do.  Trust me, if there was a quick shot for this situation, I would have already done it :)  I STILL can remember the taste of the nasty, yellow Triaminic that my mom gave me when I was little and sick.  That taste will forever be burned on my tongue :)

Thank you for those of you who prayed for me and checked in on me.  I appreciate it so much.  And if anyone has any gluten free suggestions, send them my way!

Happy (Almost) New Year!

Well, since I failed at my December blog challenge to myself I am making a resolution to blog more than last year.  Often, I have things to say I just don't remember to sign in and blog!  But a lot of changes are coming for Brian and me in 2011 and I would love to be able to share them with everyone.

I started this blog in hopes that my situation over the past 3 years might help someone else who was going through something similar or just any difficult situation in general.  Sometimes I am very blunt, but I have always thought of my blog as a way to share my feelings and say what is on my heart.  I am not perfect.  Sometimes I get hurt, upset, angry...but don't we all at times?  We are, after all, only flawed humans.

Lately I have felt like I needed to share my struggle with depression a few years back.  It is something that was very difficult for me and something that I don't generally like talking about.  But I really feel that there are more people than I know out there who has struggled with depression at one time or another.  Whether it be themselves or someone they care about.  Life can be hard.  But thank the Lord we have each other to lean on and others experiences to help us along.

You can read about some of my journey here and also here. 

I still have days when I tend to want to be negative and depressed.  But I really do feel like with God and my family, I have defeated the demon of depression that haunted me so much not too long ago.  Whenever I feel myself headed in that direction, I thank God for all of the things he has blessed me with and all my problems seem to fade away in comparison to all that I have.

Best wishes for the best new year possible.

Christmas Failure.

Well, there goes my blogging everyday for a month.  It is Monday and my last blog post was Thursday.  Merry Christmas, everyone!

The Ugly Cry

Today's Christmas memory is about my sweet little boy.  On his first Christmas, he was not quite 5 months old.  One night, he was sitting in his dad's lap watching me wrap Christmas presents.  He seemed fascinated with the sparkly bows.  He kept reaching out for them and smiling so sweet.  So I took one of the bows, peeled off the plastic, and stuck it on his tummy and said, "Merry Christmas!"

Bad idea.  Very bad idea.

He went into an immediate hysterical cry.  I mean UGLY cry.  Like lost his breath, turned scarlet red cry.  I felt like the worst mom ever!  I thought he would love the bow, but apparently he thought otherwise.  I mean this kid cried for a good 2 minutes over that stupid bow!  Eventually he calmed down but I never offered him another bow. 

As I was looking back on pictures from his first Christmas, I can't believe how much he's grown.  He had his first Christmas meltdown (via bow), his first taste of cereal and first look at a Christmas tree all in the same month.  Sometimes I wish he were that small again, but then I think of how much fun he is now.  His own little person.  But I wouldn't trade those memories for the world.

Brian's First Christmas

Christmas Memories

Since today is December 1st, I have decided to blog everyday for the month.  I was inspired by one of my very best friends in the universe and her amazing feat of blogging for a month. Which, by the way, you did a wonderful job, Becky!  Her blog posts are MUCH more entertaining than mine (not to mention written from across the globe).  So my blogging for the month is going to be a reflection of memories from Christmases past.

Christmas Eve Night-mare :)

When I was a little girl, we used to spend Christmas eve with my 2 aunts and my cousins Ross and Jenny in the city.  Here is a picture of Jenny and I on my very first Christmas.  I was 9 months old.

I have so many memories from those Christmases that I will be sharing, but one that stands out in my mind is the year that I had the crud scared out of me.  My cousin Jenny and I were in bed listening to a Christmas book (which incredibly they still publish and I bought a copy for Brian!  It is a scratch and sniff) when the grown ups thought it would be a good idea to make us think Santa was at the house.  So my grandpa went outside the bedroom door and banged on pots and pans so that we would think Santa was really there!  I remember pretending to be excited, but inside I was FREAKING OUT.

You see, I was always terrified of Santa.  In fact, it's safe to say I was relieved when I found out the man wasn't real.  I mean, I appreciated his gifts, but preferred to be out of the house when he dropped them off.

So maybe it was just me who was scared to death of all the commotion outside the window.  Or maybe Jenny was scared too.  Who knows?  Looking back, it was one of my best memories because my grandpa went to such creative lengths to make us happy and give us a special Christmas memory.  Thank you, Papa.