The Ending of an Era

Okay, so maybe that was a pretty dramatic title for this blog post, but that is how it feels to me :)

In exactly 30 days, Brian and I will be starting a brand-new life.  For the past 3 years, we have been a team of two.  Learning how to do things on our own and only having each other there to start and end the day with.  And I would like to think that we have done well.  Looking back, I hold this time of "just the two of us" as very special.  What started as something horrible ended up being a new adventure.  I am not going to lie- in a way, it has been kinda nice to have him all to myself for the last 3 years.  We have grown together and bonded in a way  that we probably wouldn't have in any other circumstance.  Another example of how great God is at making all things new and beautiful again.  In a way, it is sad to say goodbye to this time in our lives.  But also completely exciting because we have been given a beautiful new family!!  I am sure that it will be a transition for all 3 of us, but when you love each other as much as we all do and know that God is in control, it turns into nothing but pure joy.

So it is nearing the end of "just the two of us" and will soon become "just the three of us."  And I couldn't be happier.

Hard Times

I am having a really hard time lately with being a working mom.  As many of you know, I was convinced that after Brian was born that I would continue teaching elementary school full time.  However, my heart broke into a million pieces the nearly 2 months that I did that because I knew that in my heart I was supposed to stay home with him.  All my life, teaching was my greatest goal and greatest desire of my heart- until Brian Joshua came into this world.  Then it shifted completely.  I wanted to be there with him for everything.  I wanted to teach, but I wanted to teach HIM.  I was in heaven for about 6 months after I resigned from my position until the bottom fell out and I had no choice to go back to work.  I mean, you don't hear of single moms being able to be stay at home moms.  So in order to be able to feed my son, give him a house to live in and clothes for his back, I had to go to work.

Now, don't get me wrong- my job is wonderful as far as having to have a job goes.  I have a lot of flexibility that I wouldn't have had teaching.  But it still is a struggle.

Like these snow days.  Getting to stay home with Brian was wonderful.  But then this morning when I had to go back to work, the sadness set in and the struggling began again.  Brian wanted to play cars for a little bit this morning before work, so I "sacrificed" some time when I should have been making myself look a little better than I actually look today (haha) and we played in his room.  He kept running around and dancing saying, "MY MOMMY!!!!!!"  He was so happy that I was there.  I know in his little 3 year old mind, he thought we were going to be spending the day together again.  I wanted to curl up in the fetal position and cry my heart out.

And to make matters worse, my mom sends me a text after I get to work that said: "He just ran through the house with a sad look and said "Mommy's gone!""  My heart shattered a little more.

And to make matters even WORSE, he is leaving this afternoon to spend the weekend with his dad.  Which is going to be hard anyway because I have had him the last 2 weekends in a row.

So I am asking you to please pray for me specifically.  A few weeks ago, I approached my boss (my stepdad) with a proposal.  Since I am getting married next month, we can afford to take a slight decrease in income.  Wes and I already have a plan in action to pay off my car, get our emergency savings squared away, and then save up 5 months salary.  He wants me to stay at home as much as I do.  So in order to be able to do that, I would have to continue working for 18 months.  Which in the grand scheme of things, isn't a long time. It would be just in time to start homeschooling Brian.  But I came up with a proposal to maybe speed things along. I offered to continue doing all of my responsibilities here at work, but 2 nights a week instead of full time 8-5 everyday.  I have a LOT of downtime here at work.  Frankly, there are days that I watch 6 hours of television on hulu.com to be bluntly honest :)  So I know without a doubt that 2 days a week is plenty for me to maintain my responsibilities here.  I also offered to do this with a nearly $8,000 decrease in pay a year, as well as no longer taking health insurance (I can get on Wes's policy).  So I laid it out there and told him to please think about it.  I am going to approach him about it again soon, so PLEASE pray for me.  I cannot tell you how important this is to me.  It is also so hard to just let go and let God, which is exactly what I need to do.  But silly me, I always get so worked up over things that mean so much to me instead of just trusting in the fact that God will meet my needs and what is best for my family.  So please pray for me to trust and let go of this, and that God will provide a way for me to stay home with Brian more.

Thank you in advance for caring about this crazy :)

Rescued

I got a message from someone today who thanked me for my blog because she had recently found herself in a very similar situation.  I am so happy that God is using my situation to help others get through the same thing.  Every situation is unique, but one thing is common- God can bring good to anything.


Would I ever have imagined nearly 3 years ago that I would be preparing to start a new family with a wonderful man who loves God and me and my son? Never.  Would I ever have realized the extent of how much I was able to depend on my family to help me? Never.  Would I ever have realized that I could work full time (and more than one job at one time) and be able to still be the kind of mother God wants me to be?  Never.

But I HAVE realized all these things.  My life feels like it is just beginning such a new and exciting chapter.  For me and for Brian.  You could say that my life has done a complete 180.

Was it because I met my future husband and he rescued me from loneliness?  Nope.

Was it because of my mom, my son, and the rest of my family that I was able to pick myself up and make a new life for myself?   Nope, again.

Was it my ability to be able to multitask as a working, single mother that gave me the strength to make this new life work?  Not a chance.


All of these things played a part, but God is the one who rescued me.   He rescued me from feeling bad about myself, for feeling like a failure, from being lonely.  Did he use Wes and my family to help rescue me?  Absolutely.  But it was He and He alone that made my life go in the direction that it needed to lead me to today.  And I am so grateful for that.

It still hurts me when I hear of ANYONE having to go through a situation like divorce.  Especially those with children or those who did not have a choice in the matter.  But let me tell you, even if you didn't have a choice in the matter, you can have a choice on how it ends up.  You can choose to let God transform your life and open doors to things you never realized were possibly.  He can make you feel beautiful and worthy and loved.  All by Himself.

I Need Your Help!!

As I was trying to fall asleep last night, my mind was wandering in a million different directions.  And my blog came to mind.  I know, I know- there are many more important things to think about besides my blog but, hey, that's where my brain landed.

 Anyway, I decided that I needed help!  In exactly 60 days today, it will not be "just the two of us" anymore because I will be married and there will be a new addition to our household!  Let me clarify that- a new addition of a husband :)  I don't want anyone thinking I meant a baby! My relationship with Wes is pure and that is a decision we made from the beginning to honor God and our relationship.  Okay, now that's TMI, but I am proud of that!

I cannot believe I totally got off the subject like that.  Back to what I was saying...

I am going to be needing a new name for my blog!  And my creativity levels aren't very high lately so I need your help!   And I know all of you who read my blog are creative because guess what? I read your blogs too!!  So I am asking for creative suggestions as to what I should rename the title of my blog!

On a side note, I went shopping for my wedding dress this weekend.  Since we are getting married at my parents' house with just family, I was looking for something not too fancy but not TOO plain.  I found the perfect dress!!  I want so badly to post a picture of it, but I am afraid Wes will read my blog and see it!  And I want him to be surprised.  Not only was it exactly what I pictured, but it also came super close to my budget (which was only $100 by the way.  Call me the Thrifty Bride!).  It ended up costing $146.00 but is well worth the extra money.

Now if only finding shoes will be as easy...

Have a wonderful week!

Let Downs

All throughout my childhood, I never really ever had a "best friend" so to speak.  I did the typical little girl best friend thing- usually a different one every year like a lot of little girls do.  Someone you meet in elementary school on that very first day of school that ends up being your best friend for the entire year.  But usually those friendships start to fade away a little over time.  Another school year starts and you don't have the same teacher so you drift towards someone else.  And it really isn't that big of  deal because there always seems to be another new best friend on the horizon.  That is pretty much how my life typically went.

Then in high school, I started to really long for God to send me just one good Christian girlfriend.  Someone I could be honest with who would always be there for me with love and support.  Someone I could offer the same too.  Teenage years are hard and it is just easier to have someone there to help you navigate them.  However, every time I thought I had found the answer to my prayers I would be sadly mistaken.  I had a lot of broken heart moments from these "friends" and just came to the conclusion that I just wasn't meant to have a good girlfriend like that.  In fact, based on experience, my male friends were 10 times more loyal than any girlfriends I ever had.  Now mind you, I have a cousin who I grew up with who was like a sister to me and gave me so much love and support.  But I still wanted that one special friend.

When I was a sophomore in high school I met a boy named Jake who ended up being the best friend I ever had.  I have never had anyone who I could laugh with so hard and tell anything to like I did him. We literally spent every single Friday night together all throughout college even though we went to 2 different schools.  We always made that our night.  I will probably always consider him my best friend because of the years we shared together.  Even though now he lives in New York and is a big-shot doctor :)  We rarely see each other, don't get to talk nearly enough, but when we do it is as if nothing has changed and no time has passed. 

Which brings me to today.  Here I am, almost 30 years old and the longing for that one friend to go through everyday life with me is still strong. I am selfish about this friendship I want so much- I want it for the rest of my life. That person that you call every day to check in with even if is only a 30 second conversation before Brian comes in and hangs up the phone.

I have found that as an adult and even a mother now, failed friendships have hurt me more than any other time.  I have cried more tears, had more hurt feelings now than any time throughout my life.  I wonder why God brings someone into my life to hurt me again.  I know there are reasons, but it still makes it difficult to understand and let go.  I may never understand why people do the things they do, but in my heart I know that maybe it is not for me to understand fully.  I have searched my heart and know that I have done all I can do.  The rest is in God's hands.

I am not trying to throw a pity party or make it seem like I am friendless :)  I have a few dear friends who I absolutely adore and will be forever thankful for their presence in my life. I just wish that life wasn't so busy and that we were able to spend more time together.  I know a lot of the burden falls on me.  Single motherdom and BFF's don't really go hand in hand :)  But I will continue to pray that God will fill that void in my life.

Some Info to Consider

I thought I would share some additional information on Celiac disease with you because it is so much more common than people think and it's symptoms are so often similar to other things.  Also, if anyone in your family (especially immediate family) has been diagnosed, it really is important to be tested.  I am going to be speaking with Brian's pediatrician on his next visit about getting him tested.  It is better to know early before so much damage has been done.  Because of my mom's diagnosis, I have a less chance of developing the severe damage that she has.


I got this list of symptoms verbatim from the Celiac Foundation website www.celiac.org


Celiac Disease can appear at any time in a person’s life. In adults, the disease can be triggered for the first time after surgery, viral infection, severe emotional stress, pregnancy or childbirth. CD is a multi-system, multi-symptom disorder. Symptoms vary and are not always gastrointestinal (GI). GI symptoms can often mimic other bowel disorders. Infants, toddlers and young children with CD may often exhibit growth failure, vomiting, bloated abdomen, behavioral changes and failure to thrive.

CLASSIC SYMPTOMS MAY INCLUDE
* Abdominal cramping, intestinal gas
* Distention and bloating of the stomach
* Chronic diarrhea or constipation (or both)
* Steatorrhea – fatty stools
* Anemia – unexplained, due to folic acid, B12 or iron deficiency (or all)
* Unexplained weight loss with large appetite or weight gain

OTHER SYMPTOMS
* Dental enamel defects
* Osteopenia, osteoporosis
* Bone or joint pain
* Fatigue, weakness and lack of energy
* Infertility – male/female
* Depression
* Mouth ulcers
* Delayed puberty
* Tingling or numbness in hands or feet
* Migraine headaches

SOME LONG-TERM CONDITIONS THAT CAN RESULT FROM UNTREATED CD
* Iron deficiency anemia
* Early onset osteoporosis or osteopenia
* Vitamin K deficiency associated with risk for hemorrhaging
* Vitamin and mineral deficiencies
* Central and peripheral nervous system disorders - usually due to unsuspected nutrient deficiencies
* Pancreatic insufficiency
* Intestinal lymphomas and other GI cancers (malignancies)
* Gall bladder malfunction
* Neurological manifestations

I had about 10 of the chronic symptoms on a regular basis, but even if you have just a few and they have been long term it would be worth mentioning to your doctor.

Finally Some Answers!

As many of you know, I had a biopsy on my intestine and a colonoscopy (ew) back on December 23rd.  I have been having so many stomach issues over the past few years that I went to my mom's GI.  I have blogged before about how my mom has something called Celiac Disease (along with 2 others in my family) and thought I may have it too.  My family doctor took a blood test which came back negative.  However, the GI doc said that the blood test is highly unreliable and the only true way to diagnose it is with a biopsy.  The only reason they did a colonoscopy is because of the history of colon cancer in my family and the fact that I was already going to be knocked out for the biopsy.  Kind of like killing 2 birds with one stone.

But it was me that nearly killed over.

Drinking the nasty liquid stuff (64 oz to be exact) the night before is what just about killed me.  It was the most disgusting stuff I have ever tasted.  By the time I took the last gulp, I literally couldn't handle one ounce more.

I was a little nervous going in for the procedure simply because it had been so long since I had something like that done.  And I usually get very nauseous and sick when I am put under anesthesia for anything.   After showing up for my 9am procedure and not being taken back until NOON (yeah, can you believe that?!) I was kind of relieved to be able to take a nap :)

While I was in recovery, the doctor came out and talked to my mom.  I had Celiac too.  Thankfully, it was just starting to show subtly, not to the point of being as severe as my mom's.  I had what they call "scalloping of the duodenum" which is a sign of the disease.  I had a lot of inflammed areas in my stomach that they biopsied so I had to wait 10 days to find out the results of those.

I got a little emotional when my mom told me the news.  After feeling bad for so long with no straight answer, you start to just kind of give up on a solution.  Even though I would rather not have it and not have to deal with such a strict diet, it was a relief to know that I could do something to make myself feel better.  And I have the best family who have already been such a big help for giving me suggestions on the diet.  They are pros!

On Friday, I got my biopsy results.  I have something called Bile Gastritis which is a back up of bile in my stomach which causes a lot of symptoms I'd been having.  They also found a polyp in my stomach which is just being irritatied by the other stuff.  So I have to take this not-very-good-tasting liquid medicine (and a lot of it) after each meal and before bedtime. It is a medicine that is used to treat stomach ulcers from getting worse.  The good news is that they told me if I did well on the liquid medicine for 10 days, I could take the pill form! YAY!

For those of you who don't know me that well, I was the weirdo kid in the pediatricians office that would ask for a shot in exchange for having to take liquid medicine.  I HATE it.  And still do.  Trust me, if there was a quick shot for this situation, I would have already done it :)  I STILL can remember the taste of the nasty, yellow Triaminic that my mom gave me when I was little and sick.  That taste will forever be burned on my tongue :)

Thank you for those of you who prayed for me and checked in on me.  I appreciate it so much.  And if anyone has any gluten free suggestions, send them my way!