Have you ever had a day where something happened and your first instinct was to be ugly about it? I mean make a smart remark, ridicule, lose your temper, etc? This happened to me today and 2 things happened. #1, my first instinct was becoming angry. I could literally feel it rising up in my body. If I had been 2 years old, I would have thrown myself on the floor and had a little fit. In my mind, I was thinking all of these negative, angry, not nice thoughts. And #2, I got convicted. Convicted by the idea that I wanted to let myself have free reign with my emotions, even when they weren't pretty. I am so glad for times like this when God shows me where I am wrong before I open my mouth or act on my feelings. Is it okay to be angry? Yes. Is it okay to allow your anger to consume you or give you an excuse to act in a way which is completely opposite of the person you are here on earth to represent with your life? Absolutely not.
There are so many times in my life when I react to something based on what I know about it or (more often) what I THINK I know about the situation. The thing is, I do NOT know everything. Really, I don't know much of anything. But God does. I might be dumbfounded at something that is happening around me but God isn't. He already knows the outcome. Something that I might find to be completely absurd or ridiculous might actually be God's plan in disguise. God has a way of making His plans out of the most extraordinary of situations. And because my simple little human mind can't comprehend His ways, I often miss out on watching His plan unfold. For once I would love to begin to search for God within a difficult situation (before it really even starts actually) instead of looking back when it's over and saying, "Look what God did in THAT." I want to be in anticipation of what He CAN and WILL do instead of being Miss Negativity and looking for ways that it isn't going the way I think it should.
Wrestling with your flesh is exhausting :) I am so glad that it isn't something I have to do on my own. Because if I did, I would have already been deemed a failure back on March 6, 1981. Thank Jesus He does it for me and all I have to do is ask for help.
My prayer today is that God will use this new event to show everyone (me, me, me!) just another example of how awesome and creative He is. And how He always, always, always works things out for the good of those who love Him.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
My Feelings on Feelings
Thinking about it, I have been an emotional mess my whole life. Ask my mom and she will tell you about the time when I was 2 and she found me crying hysterically in front of the television because of a show I was watching where a little boy built a snowman that became his friend and it melted. As a child, I can remember being afraid to open a Christmas gift from my grandma because I was unsure of what might be in the box and I was afraid it was going to be scary (really?? Who does that??).
Fast forward to teenage years and I can tell you how I used to cry at the drop of a hat and get my feelings hurt even easier. If someone looked at me wrong, I would get hurt. If someone said something wrong, I would cry. It was a constant battle in my head over pleasing people but never feeling like quite enough. And worrying? Don't get me started. I would literally throw up before every first day of school and the looming pressure that it brought. And if I had an important test or assignment, you can bet that I was driving everyone in my life crazy looking for reassurance that it would be okay and that I would do fine. I can even remember my mom having to drive me to take my very last teacher certification test in college because I had convinced myself that I wasn't going to pass it and was too distraught to drive myself. Silly girl.
Even when I became a full-fledged "grown up" and started my career, I never stopped with the emotional rollercoasters. While teaching, if a parent wanted to meet with me, I immediately felt a pit in my stomach and just KNEW that I was going to get reamed for doing something wrong. Even when I realistically knew I had done nothing wrong, it didn't matter. I created something in my mind. And you know what? Never ONCE did it turn out to be something bad. A lot of the time it was to thank me for helping their child. But I cheated myself and gave myself many hours and days of worrying over something that was intended to bring me joy.
And boy, oh boy, did becoming a mother send me into emotional overload. Granted, I had just given birth but I can remember a sweet little old lady hospital volunteer bringing a "New Mommy" basket into my room the day Brian was born. Tucked inside was a little bonnet that turned into a handkerchief with a sweet poem about how a little girl could carry it on her wedding day, and a little boy could give it to his future bride. Right then and there I went into hysterical mode and was crying so hard I couldn't catch my breath. Literally, in my head in that one minute I was attending my 5 hour old son's wedding and having to let him go. HE.WAS.5.HOURS.OLD. Give me a break, Jessica. I would've liked to blame that instance on the hormones of giving birth, but truthfully I could still have totally seen that happening when Brian was 6 months old.
What I am getting at is that I could sit here and write page after page of examples of how I let my emotions and feelings completely control my life in a negative way. Not only would they lead me down a path of negative thinking (I mean ALL THE TIME) but it actually made me HATE that part of myself. Slowly (and I mean slowly) through the years I am learning that God gave me a tender heart for a reason. Even though I choose to use it negatively a lot of the time, it is also what makes me compassionate and care so much. So I have always been desperate to try to turn my emotional self into something positive. But it is so hard. I have to literally TALK to myself at times to stop from going down that negative, obsessive, crazy road. It works sometimes and I spare myself the pain. But sometimes it is like a car that is about to crash and I have no clue whatsoever how to keep it from happening.
It has become even more important to me over the last 2 years to break this cycle in my life. This week I started reading Joyce Meyer's book "Living Beyond Your Feelings: Controlling Emotions So They Don't Control You". Her approach is in line with what God's word has to say about feelings and is backed up by so many scriptures that tell me exactly what I know to do: STOP. But she also gives some practical ways to apply that knowledge to make it easier to accomplish. I am nearly finished- I just can't put it down.
Today some things happened that would normally send me on the wild goose-chase of "oh my goodness this can't be happening this is the worst thing ever what am I going to do!?!?" I literally started physically responding to what happened by getting that sinking feeling, sweating, just FEELING the worry. But this time I consciously (not because it was my first instinct) stopped and just gave each of those feelings to God. I logged on to my YouVersion account and typed out a prayer because I was already at the point of not being able to form a coherent prayer in my mind. I have to tell you, instead of taking the plunge into full-fledged emotional overload my spirit was comforted in knowing that God knows all about it and all about how I feel and HE is handling it. I actually was able to stop it with God's help. That was a huge victory to me. I pray that I can continue getting out of this cycle in my life and learn to do this in every situation from this point on. If you are anything like me (which you probably aren't- I am nuts) I completely recommend this book as a starting point.
And something else that I always find comfort in at times when I want to pray so badly but cannot find the words is that I don't need to. God knows what every tear, every sigh, every breath means because He loves me that much.
Fast forward to teenage years and I can tell you how I used to cry at the drop of a hat and get my feelings hurt even easier. If someone looked at me wrong, I would get hurt. If someone said something wrong, I would cry. It was a constant battle in my head over pleasing people but never feeling like quite enough. And worrying? Don't get me started. I would literally throw up before every first day of school and the looming pressure that it brought. And if I had an important test or assignment, you can bet that I was driving everyone in my life crazy looking for reassurance that it would be okay and that I would do fine. I can even remember my mom having to drive me to take my very last teacher certification test in college because I had convinced myself that I wasn't going to pass it and was too distraught to drive myself. Silly girl.
Even when I became a full-fledged "grown up" and started my career, I never stopped with the emotional rollercoasters. While teaching, if a parent wanted to meet with me, I immediately felt a pit in my stomach and just KNEW that I was going to get reamed for doing something wrong. Even when I realistically knew I had done nothing wrong, it didn't matter. I created something in my mind. And you know what? Never ONCE did it turn out to be something bad. A lot of the time it was to thank me for helping their child. But I cheated myself and gave myself many hours and days of worrying over something that was intended to bring me joy.
And boy, oh boy, did becoming a mother send me into emotional overload. Granted, I had just given birth but I can remember a sweet little old lady hospital volunteer bringing a "New Mommy" basket into my room the day Brian was born. Tucked inside was a little bonnet that turned into a handkerchief with a sweet poem about how a little girl could carry it on her wedding day, and a little boy could give it to his future bride. Right then and there I went into hysterical mode and was crying so hard I couldn't catch my breath. Literally, in my head in that one minute I was attending my 5 hour old son's wedding and having to let him go. HE.WAS.5.HOURS.OLD. Give me a break, Jessica. I would've liked to blame that instance on the hormones of giving birth, but truthfully I could still have totally seen that happening when Brian was 6 months old.
What I am getting at is that I could sit here and write page after page of examples of how I let my emotions and feelings completely control my life in a negative way. Not only would they lead me down a path of negative thinking (I mean ALL THE TIME) but it actually made me HATE that part of myself. Slowly (and I mean slowly) through the years I am learning that God gave me a tender heart for a reason. Even though I choose to use it negatively a lot of the time, it is also what makes me compassionate and care so much. So I have always been desperate to try to turn my emotional self into something positive. But it is so hard. I have to literally TALK to myself at times to stop from going down that negative, obsessive, crazy road. It works sometimes and I spare myself the pain. But sometimes it is like a car that is about to crash and I have no clue whatsoever how to keep it from happening.
It has become even more important to me over the last 2 years to break this cycle in my life. This week I started reading Joyce Meyer's book "Living Beyond Your Feelings: Controlling Emotions So They Don't Control You". Her approach is in line with what God's word has to say about feelings and is backed up by so many scriptures that tell me exactly what I know to do: STOP. But she also gives some practical ways to apply that knowledge to make it easier to accomplish. I am nearly finished- I just can't put it down.
Today some things happened that would normally send me on the wild goose-chase of "oh my goodness this can't be happening this is the worst thing ever what am I going to do!?!?" I literally started physically responding to what happened by getting that sinking feeling, sweating, just FEELING the worry. But this time I consciously (not because it was my first instinct) stopped and just gave each of those feelings to God. I logged on to my YouVersion account and typed out a prayer because I was already at the point of not being able to form a coherent prayer in my mind. I have to tell you, instead of taking the plunge into full-fledged emotional overload my spirit was comforted in knowing that God knows all about it and all about how I feel and HE is handling it. I actually was able to stop it with God's help. That was a huge victory to me. I pray that I can continue getting out of this cycle in my life and learn to do this in every situation from this point on. If you are anything like me (which you probably aren't- I am nuts) I completely recommend this book as a starting point.
And something else that I always find comfort in at times when I want to pray so badly but cannot find the words is that I don't need to. God knows what every tear, every sigh, every breath means because He loves me that much.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
What's in A Name?
As I sit here at work typing this post, I have my shoes kicked off my feet under my desk. My pinkie toes are nothing but a solid blister from my feet being swollen. Yay! Before I got pregnant with Baby Powell, I was on a diuretic because due to my blood pressure stuff I retain sooo much water. Like so much that my feet and legs sometimes LOOKED like I was pregnant even though I wasn't. Well, that little pill I used to take helped with that a lot. It helped get rid of a lot of my swelling. But that was the first thing to go when I saw those 2 lines on the test. Not safe for pregnancy. So now I have that regular swelling PLUS pregnancy swelling. Yay again! Anyway, hurry up spring because I desperately need to wear flip flops and it's too cold right now.
Still don't have a clue who Baby Powell is. Have another 18 days before we get to try to peek again. I have this sinking feeling that he/she is going to be shy again. Although with baby being a Powell, it is very likely that is pure orneriness rather than modesty. I really want to be able to start calling Baby Powell by it's name. I think you get to bond a little earlier when you know before the 9 months is up :)
Wes and I had NO trouble agreeing on baby names. In fact, we already had names picked out before Baby Powell was even a glimmer in my eye. It was weird. We were firm on the boy name but sort of wavered on the little girl name and ended up changing our mind (all before there was even a baby to name!).
For a little boy, we LOVED the name Hudson James. We thought Hudson was somewhat unique and cute and just sounded masculine to me :) We picked James because Wes really wanted to name his son after his dad, James. So we thought it just sounded perfect together. Plus, if it's a boy, he and big bro Brian will share a middle initial of "J".
For a little girl, I really really loved the name Audrey Caroline because of a blog I have kept up with for years. Many of you probably have heard of Angie Smith and the story of her little girl. They found out their sweet baby wouldn't probably live after birth, but decided to carry her to term anyway and let God work. She wrote a book about her story and her blog is phenomenal. If you haven't heard of her, check out http://angiesmithonline.com/. Wes liked that name a lot when I told him about the story and we thought it would be really cool because his mom's name is Carolyn so it would kind of have a double meaning. Then our church opened this summer and we started serving in this little place called The Garden. It is a little room filled with the cutest 18-24 month olds you may ever have seen. And Wes pretty much fell hardcore for this little girl named Natalie. She was pretty cute, I'll admit. And her name really grew on us both. So we just decided that we really liked the name Natalie now. And we chose Natalie Marie because my middle name is Marie and so is my sweet mom's. So now, if it's a girl, "Marie" will belong to grandma, mama, and new baby girl. Another funny note is that Wes's name was going to be Natalie if he would've ended up being a girl. I'm so glad he wasn't :)
So I have tested out both names with big bro Brian, and I must say he says them cuter than I have ever heard them said. So regardless, my heart will be so happy to finally meet this precious baby who has been kicking and moving in my tummy for a few weeks now. It is so hard to believe that I am 1 day away from being 20 WEEKS! Halfway there! Crazy!!! Wes even got to feel some kicks himself last night. Even though they are still pretty soft to him, doesn't feel too soft to me :)
So, come on Baby Hudson or Baby Natalie. Reveal yourself to us because we can't wait to meet you!
Still don't have a clue who Baby Powell is. Have another 18 days before we get to try to peek again. I have this sinking feeling that he/she is going to be shy again. Although with baby being a Powell, it is very likely that is pure orneriness rather than modesty. I really want to be able to start calling Baby Powell by it's name. I think you get to bond a little earlier when you know before the 9 months is up :)
Wes and I had NO trouble agreeing on baby names. In fact, we already had names picked out before Baby Powell was even a glimmer in my eye. It was weird. We were firm on the boy name but sort of wavered on the little girl name and ended up changing our mind (all before there was even a baby to name!).
For a little boy, we LOVED the name Hudson James. We thought Hudson was somewhat unique and cute and just sounded masculine to me :) We picked James because Wes really wanted to name his son after his dad, James. So we thought it just sounded perfect together. Plus, if it's a boy, he and big bro Brian will share a middle initial of "J".
For a little girl, I really really loved the name Audrey Caroline because of a blog I have kept up with for years. Many of you probably have heard of Angie Smith and the story of her little girl. They found out their sweet baby wouldn't probably live after birth, but decided to carry her to term anyway and let God work. She wrote a book about her story and her blog is phenomenal. If you haven't heard of her, check out http://angiesmithonline.com/. Wes liked that name a lot when I told him about the story and we thought it would be really cool because his mom's name is Carolyn so it would kind of have a double meaning. Then our church opened this summer and we started serving in this little place called The Garden. It is a little room filled with the cutest 18-24 month olds you may ever have seen. And Wes pretty much fell hardcore for this little girl named Natalie. She was pretty cute, I'll admit. And her name really grew on us both. So we just decided that we really liked the name Natalie now. And we chose Natalie Marie because my middle name is Marie and so is my sweet mom's. So now, if it's a girl, "Marie" will belong to grandma, mama, and new baby girl. Another funny note is that Wes's name was going to be Natalie if he would've ended up being a girl. I'm so glad he wasn't :)
So I have tested out both names with big bro Brian, and I must say he says them cuter than I have ever heard them said. So regardless, my heart will be so happy to finally meet this precious baby who has been kicking and moving in my tummy for a few weeks now. It is so hard to believe that I am 1 day away from being 20 WEEKS! Halfway there! Crazy!!! Wes even got to feel some kicks himself last night. Even though they are still pretty soft to him, doesn't feel too soft to me :)
So, come on Baby Hudson or Baby Natalie. Reveal yourself to us because we can't wait to meet you!
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Looking Back
At work the other day, I was looking back over my blog. It is hard to believe that this little (probably not read much) blog has been in existence for almost 3 years. It is so strange to be able to look back over different times in your life and see what you were thinking and feeling. I have always liked finding old things of mine that I had written down- journals, notes, favorite bible verses- because it is so easy to forget why you were thinking the things you were at any given point in life. Sometimes I think, "What was I thinking?" and other times I am able to see how far I have come. That's the best part. Seeing growth. No one wants to stay the same all throughout their life in their views and thinking. At least I don't. I have read about times where I was sad and hurting, times when I was content, times when I really wasn't sure what I was doing.
I found an old blog post that really stood out to me. It was written back in September of 2009. I had to smile when I reread it because of what God has given me today. Even when I didn't know what was in store for me, HE did :)
Monday Mornings
I found an old blog post that really stood out to me. It was written back in September of 2009. I had to smile when I reread it because of what God has given me today. Even when I didn't know what was in store for me, HE did :)
Monday Mornings
Back to the Grindstone
Today was Brian's first day back at school after being so sick. He had a great day. He was out for MLK Day yesterday and was feeling better so he decided he wanted to skate inside since the doc told us to keep him in for 10 more days.
I have to say he looked pretty cute in his skating gear. Although he does take after his mama- meaning no amount of safety gear can protect him from his own clumsiness :)
I have to say he looked pretty cute in his skating gear. Although he does take after his mama- meaning no amount of safety gear can protect him from his own clumsiness :)
Friday, January 13, 2012
Update on Brian
Thank you everyone who has been praying for Brian. We have had a rough couple of days but he is doing better today. We went back to the doctor this morning and she said while he is definitely doing better, his left lung is still sounding pretty bad. We have to continue the breathing treatments every 4 hours and are also starting a steroid in his breathing machine in addition to his Albuterol and antibiotic. He had a good night's rest last night and is getting an appetite back. Again, thank you so much for all of your prayers.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Please Pray for Brian
Since I am not on Facebook currently and would usually post something like this on there, I am asking for prayers for my little guy. He went to the doctor today and is being treated for pneumonia. They sent us home with antibiotics and a breathing machine and we are going back in on Friday morning if not sooner. I have never seen him this sick and your prayers are greatly appreciated.
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