The Pursuit of Friendship

Do you ever really think about how every thing you do or say affects another person? You might not think your actions directly affect someone but that's not always true. There is always someone watching you, listening to you because you have a bigger influence on their life than you are even aware of. You have the ability to build up or break down another person. Don't take that lightly. Is getting ahead in this world more important than losing your integrity or is it worth the cost of losing a relationship? We have no way of knowing how a person internalizes things. We have no idea what pain or hurt a person may be hiding from us. And we have no idea how we may have contributed to that hurt. 

I would rather have one close, true friend than a hundred friends that don't truly care. I would rather have one friend that when they say "I'll pray for you" they really truly mean they will pray for you. I'd rather have one friend who makes their presence known everyday so you never forget they care. Who takes the time to call you and text you on a daily basis so you know you are loved. As I've gotten older, I appreciate that kind of person more. But I've also found that those people are extremely rare. Over the last year I've come to realize that people I thought were those kind of friends really weren't at all. I can be completely transparent and say that I literally only have one friend in my life right now who is truly there for me. I'm so grateful for that friendship and that friendship is a new one that has only bloomed over the past few months. But I know it was orchestrated by God. Life is too hard and too short to waste your precious time trying to get people to like you. If they don't like you, if they aren't willing to bear all the responsibilities that being a friend entails, then they aren't worth pursuing. Don't stop loving, always forgive, but only pursue those who really want you to pursue them.

A beautiful life

My entire life I have always known how blessed I am in the family department. Life is full of dysfunctional relationships and although not a single one of us is perfect by any means, I always knew our family was different because no matter what happens, we truly love each other. It doesn't matter what is going on in your life, you always know that you will always have everyone on your side supporting you through whatever life slams you with. They have always been there through good and bad and I have always felt more blessed than most because all of my memories of my family are beautiful ones. Especially in a day where deep love and connection is rare in lots of family units. And even though there are those i don't see or talk to as much as I'd like, it in no way weakens my love for them. So when I found out that my cousin Blaine had gone to be with Jesus this weekend, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

When I first found out I was going to have a boy (Brian) I kinda panicked. I had never been around boys and being nervous and feeling unqualified to raise one was an understatement. I looked at the people around me who had raised boys for inspiration and guidance and one person stood out to me more than anyone. My cousin Sheila. She has 2 beautiful, amazing sons that anyone would love for their own boys to grow up to be just like. But even more than that is that I hoped and prayed that when my boy (now boys) grew up I would have the kind of relationship with them that Sheila had with her boys. Whenever they were around, there was never a doubt that those boys loved their mama and vice versa. I always thought "I hope my boys grow up to love me as much as Sheila's boys love her." She is my role model of a mother-son relationship. And she helped raise two exceptional men.

One of those young men she raised is Blaine. I couldn't begin to write about all my memories of him growing up. But the ones I hold dearest to my heart happened in the last few years. Before I tell them, you have to know a little about Blaine. He is such a handsome guy. His smile was so big and beautiful that seeing it, you couldn't help but smile yourself. His laugh is one of the most infectious laughs I have ever heard. And he was so funny. I loved hearing him tell a story. I always felt pretty attached to him too because until him, I had been the only redhead in the family :)

I wasn't the only one attached to him. Brian thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. One time when we all went out to eat, Brian was stuck to him like glue. Had to sit by him- right up next to him. When he needed to go to he bathroom, he insisted he wanted Blaine to take him. Blaine happily agreed and I remember saying, "Blaine, you're making a mistake! He's never going to leave you alone now!" But he just smiled his killer smile and said he didn't mind. And I knew he didn't.

When Brian first started playing t-ball he was so excited. Sheila came to one of his first games but Blaine had just moved out of state to start a new job. But that didn't stop him from showing his love and support for Brian. Sheila showed us a video on her phone that he had recorded for Brian wishing him luck and telling him how much he wished he could be there to see him play. And let me tell you, after watching it, you couldn't slap the smile off Brian's face.

Brian also suckered Blaine into playing the memory game once. It wasn't enough to just get a match. Brian insisted that Blaine sing a silly song that he had made up if he got a match, too. So there is Blaine, sitting on the floor singing and dancing "I got a match! I got a match! I got a match!" Just because he knew Brian wanted him too.

As for me, I always think about the hugs he gave. One of those hugs that made you feel truly loved and like he really wanted to hug you. A big bear hug. And when you pulled back, you always saw that big, beautiful smile. 

Life is hard. It's ugly sometimes. It hurts and it stresses you out and brings you down. Having a family like mine makes me so thankful for each and every one of them and what they mean to me. Thank you, Jesus, for a family with a love that's big enough to carry each other through the ugliness of life. Don't ever forget to let the people you love know just how much you love them.

 

But more than that, thank you, Jesus, for being the reason for that love. Thank you for blessing us with our family and for blessing us with 26 years with precious Blaine and the difference he made in my life.  

This world will let you down. People will let you down. You will let yourself down. But Jesus will NEVER let you down. He can pick up the pieces of a broken mess and make it into something so beautiful. I know the thought of life without Blaine in our family here on earth is unthinkable, but I also know that God tells us in his word that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Bitterness

This week has been rough, to say the least. I have been hurt by people who I thought were real friends. The truth is, as much as you want some people in your life, sometimes it's okay for them not to be. If they make you feel inferior or unloved or not important, then I think it's okay to stop pursuing that relationship. If their behavior makes you question their character, then no matter how much time you've invested in the relationship, I think it's okay to let it go. I don't think it's okay or God-honoring, however, to harbor hurt feelings or anger towards the people who have broken trust in a relationship. God says we are to forgive and that is what we have to do. Not just because of the other person, but for our own good. Even if we feel the person isn't worthy of our forgiveness, we have to remember that none of us are worthy of ANY forgiveness. But not forgiving and letting that hurt grow deeper and deeper isn't any different than having a physical wound left untreated. Over time, it gets worse until it becomes infected and even harder to treat. Bitterness does that too and in an even more harmful way. It's okay to be angry. Even Jesus got angry at injustices. But it's not okay to let that anger make you bitter. Bitterness is hard to get rid of- been there done that, unfortunately more times than I can count. 

Right now it seems like I don't know how I'll ever get over the hurt. I think it's a process just like anything else. I'm choosing to look at this as God's way of protecting my heart from getting hurt again by the same person who has hurt me before. And it also gives me an opportunity to be extra thankful for the trustworthy friends that God has put in my life. 

Love

If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love 

I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.

If I speak God's word with power, revealing all of His mysteries and making everything as plain as day, and if I have faith to say to a mountain jump and it jumps but I don't love, I'm nothing. 

If I give all I earn to the poor or even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love I've gotten nowhere. 

So, no matter what I say, 

no matter what I believe, 

no matter what I do, 

I'm bankrupt 

without love.

I love the song this comes from (and the scripture). It is not just a beautiful melody but it's convicting. It makes you come face to face with the hard truth that everything is meaningless without love. My life cannot be used by God unless I love. Even though I will never be able to match it, my desire should always be to strive towards loving like Christ loves me. Unconditionally. Without being earned. Even when it hurts. Without question. No matter what. Do I always do that? No way. But my heart wants to love like that so much. I wish I could snap my fingers and make my life completely like Jesus. Love others like He did, sacrifice like He did, die to self like He did. But I guess that's what is beautiful about God's plan. Me wanting that and God changing my heart and life to be more like His Son's.

So next time I am inclined to get annoyed when I have to "go out of my way" to do something for another, I hope I remember to do it in love instead. When I feel at my wits end with exhaustion from chasing my boys around and doing things for them that they can't do for themselves, I hope I remember to do have an attitude of love. When I am so angry at another person for hurting me, I hope that I will remember that I have hurt others too and love them despite that. 

Lord, let my life be the proof of Your love.

Little by Little

Today while reading my bible, something stood out to me that I've never really thought about before. It is so hard for me to wrap my mind around the idea that my life brings glory to God. Most of the time, I still see myself as a dirty, failing sinner who is nowhere where I want to be, instead of looking at all the ways that God has changed me already. That is what brings glory to him. Not anything that I have done myself but how God has slowly changed me by changing my heart and changing my mind. Sometimes I am so focused on my sinfulness that I fail to recognize the freedom that comes with knowing Christ. I shouldn't feel constantly  weighted down my by sinful nature (although I should always want to be mindful of my sin) but thankful that I am not defined by that sinful nature anymore. I am not trapped by it; I am set free by Christ. And there is no condemnation. So even when I feel like I am failing in becoming more like Jesus, all I have to do is look back on the way my life used to be before God started to really change me. Doing that always makes me realize that God is working in me every day, even if I don't always feel like I'm being changed. Little by little, God is making me more like Jesus. But when you look at the past, it is easier to see how far God has brought you. I can't even count how many times I have remembered the way I behaved and thought in the past and thought "Thank you, Lord, that I am not who I used to be!" And that is how my life brings glory to God. Because others can see the transformation in me in different areas and they will know that is from God's work and nothing of my own effort. I guess until today I could see where so many others' lives bring glory to God but never considered that my own could. Just another way that my small thinking as a human has limited the glory that He deserves for changing me in so many ways. There are many ways that God has changed me that others can see but even more ways that He has changed me that only He and I may ever know. He really does change you from the inside out- from the way you think, feel, how you pray and how you view life and other people. I know that I can bring even more glory to Him by truthfully looking at my life and admitting where I need Him to make me more like Jesus. 

Heavy Loads

Today is one of those days when I woke up feeling like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I just feel "off" inside today. Outside I feel tired. I am so thankful for my life and the people I get to share it with. But some days the negativity of life just gets to me. People get to me. I wish so much that I was one of those people who can just roll with the punches and not allow anyone to affect me. But unfortunately, that is another struggle of mine. I always seem to put so much faith in people and it always feel like a punch in the gut when I feel let down by them. Are there any more genuine people in the world? People that will let you see the real them and love you for the real you in return? Sometimes everything and everyone seems so fake.  People are willing to say anything about you just to have something to talk about. Why do they do that? Does it make them feel better about themselves? Is it a response to their own unhappiness? I would rather have zero friends than friends who aren't really friends at all. I would rather fight a physical battle than for someone to twist my words and say untrue things about me.  What do people gain from hurting others? Is it worth the damage they cause to someone's heart just to be able to sit down and have something juicy to gossip about? Do they think if they make others look bad that they will somehow look better? Is it worse to have people you don't know talk bad about you or people who you thought really knew you say those things?

I know there will be struggles in this life, Lord. You said that in the bible. And more than not, I feel strong enough to handle the struggles that life slings. But there are days when i just get sad. Sad that in this world there are so many people I would claim as "friends" who really don't fit the description when it comes down to it. 

Please forgive me for the times in the past when I have been quick to judge another person before I have taken the time to get to know them and their journey. Most of the time what I was inclined to think about them is the furthest thing from the truth. I would rather be remembered for loving people through their mistakes and failures instead of having a good seat at the latest table of gossip.

Parking Lot Prayers

A few weeks ago, I was taking Brian to Konnect at our church on a Wednesday night.  This is the first year he has been old enough to attend Wednesday night activities (you have to been in 1st grade). He has been going since the first week of school in August and loves it. He gets excited every week when Wednesday rolls around and comes home talking non-stop about everything he has learned. This Wednesday was no different. I loaded the boys into the car and hoped that we would get there on time since Hudson's new thing is to take 10 minutes just to get out the door. We were at the intersection at a red light right before pulling in and Brian says out of the blue, "Mom? I haven't been baptized yet." 

I told him that was true and then asked him what being baptized meant. I wanted to see if he really knew or just thought it looked fun to get dunked in some water at church. His reply amazed me. "It's what you do to show people that Jesus lives in your heart and forgives you of your sins. I haven't done that either, Mama."

I just sat there for a second trying to figure out how I should respond. Does he really understand? Is he too young? All these questions popped up that I didn't know how to answer. Then I thought about how Jesus taught that we are to have faith like a child. The kind of faith that, to me, means not "over-thinking" or carefully considering things first. It means jumping all in and believing wholeheartedly. I also remembered my mom telling me how when I was exactly Brian's age, I had come home from church one Sunday night and told her I had asked Jesus to forgive me of my sins  and to take control of my life. She told me how she had the same kinds of thoughts about me being so young. She even talked to our pastor about her concerns. He told her that it is not our place to determine what is the right age or not for God to move in someone's heart. Only God knows. I know many, many seeds had been planted in Brian's little heart and that as his mother it was my job to just trust God when it was His time to make those seeds bloom. Brian is always so full of questions when we read the bible each night and after we go to church that I knew things had been stirring in his heart for a while.

As we pulled ino the parking lot, I asked Brian if he wanted to ask Jesus into his heart and to forgive him of his sins. He enthusiastically replied "yes!" So I told him when we parked that he could come get in the front seat with me and I would pray with him. 

I was pretty nervous, I'll admit. I had never prayed with someone to receive Jesus before, not to mention this was my precious little boy whom I had been praying for this to happen. I wanted to make sure that my words were clear. So I just decided to pray from my heart the words that I pray again and again. There is something beautiful about praying for Jesus to change your life and forgive you from your sins over and over. It's a reminder to me to always be thankful for that moment 26 years ago when I asked Jesus into my heart to forgive me. 

When we were about to say amen, I peeked to look at Brian's face. He was holding my hands and squeezing his eyes shut tight in great concentration. I have never seen a bigger smile than the one he had on his face. He said he couldn't wait to tell his church teachers that he had just asked Jesus into his heart. I have never had a prouder moment as a mom. I thought of the times I had prayed that Brian would find Jesus at an early age and really, truly understand God's love for us. I always pray that he doesn't make the same mistakes I have made in my life and that he always holds tight to his faith no matter what. 

My little boy is now my brother in Christ. Wow.