Self Absorbed

It's been a while since I have blogged.  Not that I don't have anything going on, I just haven't felt like I've had much to say.  I've even contemplated just giving up on my little blog totally.  But then I realized that even if nobody reads it or would even miss it if it were gone, it is like therapy for me.  It is a place that is mine where I have always been able to express myself- good or bad.  I can vent here without any judgement, admit my shortcomings and struggles, my hopes, and my faults.  So for that reason alone, I will probably keep it.

I have struggled so much with letting go with certain things that at times bring me so much discouragement.  Why is it so hard for us to let go of something that hurt us in the past?  Something that doesn't matter anymore?  And why is it also so hard to just accept that fact that no matter what you do in your life, there are just some things that you will never have control of?

I will admit I have a very hard time with letting a few individuals (that aren't really even an active part of my life anymore) control me too much.  And what I mean by control me is actually control my emotions.  Have you ever had someone who did something to you to the point where just the mention of their name or seeing them in a crowd made your entire body tense up?  That no matter how good of a place you are in, just one look can intimidate you and make you feel like you have been punched in the stomach?  Well, I have one.  And I haven't seen them in almost 4 years.  But I saw them for the first time about a month ago and that is exactly how I felt.  And what made it worse for me was the fact that I saw this person in my "safe place".  My church.

Yikes.  That one hurt.  I got the shaky feeling.  The fear that I was going to be ridiculed or hurt again.  My first instinct was to turn and run as fast as I could out of that church.  To be brutally honest, I thought, "Gee, Satan, you sure know my weaknesses."  I remember going to sit down with my family before the service started and leaning over and telling my sweet mother in law who I just saw in the lobby.  She said something to me that pretty much convicted me immediately, although she probably had no idea that it did.  She said, "Hold your head up and smile at her.  Because it is probably a good thing she is even here."

Wow.  It kinda all made sense to me then.  Here I was letting Satan use this situation to make me feel weak and afraid when maybe God was using it to CHANGE things.  Instead of focusing on myself, I should have been thankful that God had brought this person to church and was working in their life.  Because He sure had worked in mine.  Did me realizing this take away all those feelings immediately? No.  I wish.  But it helped me gain a better perspective that the world doesn't (surprise) revolve around me.

I made a conscious decision to have a better attitude about it and about possibly running into this person again.  I felt like I was making progress until I let myself get caught up in it again.

A few weeks later, I was about to sit down and noticed them sitting in the row behind me.  I smiled, they smiled but then what happened next made me want to cry and go back into "the zone".  They got up and moved.  At church.  That hurt.  I started to give myself a pity party.  "Why am I always made out to be the bad guy?  What did I ever do to them?  How could they do that at CHURCH?"  Blah, blah, blah.  It took my husband who thankfully is the total opposite of me in dealing with things like that, to knock me back to reality.  He lets other people's opinions of him and actions towards him roll of his back like water.  He told me that I have to stop letting the past control my present and future.  Those people who hurt me can only hurt me because I LET THEM.  Not rocket science, but you would think it was with how hard it is for me to get that into my thick skull.

I am trying really hard to let go of the past.  I am also trying really hard to pray for the people who have hurt me instead of focusing on myself.  I have also tried really hard to right any wrongs that I have done against anyone that I may not even have realized.  It isn't easy to love and pray for those who hurt you, but that is exactly what Jesus tells us to do.  And that is exactly what He did for us.  So I will keep trying.

Just Checking In...

Instead of having so much free time here at work doing absolutely nothing (but blogging!) I am so happy to be able to use that time to spend with my son.  It has been a wonderful month getting to spend most of my days with him.  The only downside to that is my blog is suffering because with only working 2 days now, I actually have work to do when I am there :)

Things are continuing to go so well for our family.  We have adjusted quite well to our newly reduced income actually!  I have found some ways to cut corners on groceries and with me only commuting to work 2 days a week, it has saved on gas too. I really want to be one of those super couponing mom's but I get so overwhelmed just reading about other people couponing.  I wish I could afford to hire someone to do it for me! Ha ha! We also just sold our extra car this week so that was definitely a blessing!  Not only do we have the much needed money from the sale, but our car insurance dropped about $35 a month!  Now we just pray our cars last ;)

Brian had a WONDERFUL speech evaluation on Monday, too.  It was definitely an answered prayer for me.  We found a therapist who made him feel comfortable which was the biggest plus in my opinion.  She told us that a child Brian's age has an attention span of FOUR MINUTES at a time!!  She was amazed that the last "evaluation" had Brian in a room for over 2 hours without any breaks.  She even stopped midway when she saw his attention start to fade and gave him some juice and crackers.  That was just what he needed since he had eaten such a light breakfast.  Funny how a little snack can change everything.  Anyway, her findings were so positive and she gave us some ideas for some extra help for him.  He even showed off a little and corrected her a few times.  It made me so happy that he was acting like himself and developed such a good rapport with her.  By the end of the session, he was making jokes with her.  When I left, I literally felt the weight lift off my shoulders.  It is frustrating when all you want is what is best for your child and it seems other people have alterior agendas.

Sometimes I imagine God shaking his head and saying, "Jessica, when are you ever going to learn that I've got this?"   I get so frustrated with myself for not 100% always putting things in His hands.  He has ALWAYS taken care of me.  Even when I felt my world was falling apart, He was STILL working out the details for my good. I want to be able to never give my fears a second thought. I want to be able to look at a challenging situation and say "He's got this" and then leave it alone.  But instead, I keep visiting that fear occasionally fully knowing that nothing I can do is going to affect the situation.  I am striving for the day when "fear" or "worry" are wiped out of my vocabulary for good.

Thank you for listening to me rattle on about the details of my life.  And thank you for praying for us.

A Lot Can Happen in Two Months!

Wow, I just noticed that it has been nearly 2 months since my last blog and I am really slacking!  The truth is, my blogging time is limited now that I am only working 2 days a week!  What a blessing that has been!!  God lined everything up just perfectly in order to bless us in this way.  Sure, we took a pretty hefty paycut, but the other benefits have been FAR greater than any paycheck could be.  It was a big step of faith for Wes and I- we had our own "plan" as to when I would stop working full-time but we both believed that this was important for our family, especially Brian, and that we just needed to step out in faith and let God take care of us.  And as always, He has!

One of the reasons that I felt such a burden to start being at home now rather than later is Brian.  Not only to spend more time with him, because I felt like he really needed me now.  He has been having some minor difficulties in speech and I really felt like with me being able to stay at home, I could help those improve.  And, surprisingly, in just about 3 weeks time, he has!  Isn't God amazing??  I'm not saying that he still doesn't have some more improving to do, but I believe the time I have been given to work with him has already helped tremendously.

When we took him to be evaluated, we encountered some people who were very upsetting to Brian's dad and me.  These professionals were less than that at our meeting and were making some very disturbing observations that were extremely ridiculous.  It is funny how someone can meet with your child for 30 minutes and assume they know everything there is to know about them.  After praying, crying, and talking with others, we realized this: 1) Not every child is the same 2) Children react in different ways (just like adults) when they are stressed, intimidated, scared, and tired 3) Children also can pick up on negativity QUICK. 4)  God gave me the internal knowledge of what is best for my child.  5)  Pediatricians do not always agree with these other "professionals" therefore, it is important to get their input on these "evaluations" before jumping to conclusions and getting upset.

Anyway, to make a very long story short, Brian was diagnosed with having a mild expressive language delay.  His original diagnosis when from "oh, after getting in an everyday preschool class, this should be corrected by Christmas" to "let's continue to have him evaluated" because, for just one example, when they asked him to draw a person, he said "No, I wanna draw a cat" and drew a cat instead.  So, fellow parents, if your child ever does this, beware!  They need to be tested!

So I am asking for your prayers as we meet with the speech therapist on Monday.  Our prayer is that Brian will be relaxed and in good spirits after his traumatic last experience and that we will have a therapist that is understanding and aware of how children actually function when they are 3 years old.

In other good news, LifeChurch.tv MWC launched 2 weeks ago and is average over 2000 people per Sunday!  This is wonderful!!!  In fact, starting this Sunday, they have already had to add an additional service to accommodate everyone. Wes and I work in The Ark, the 4 year old room with Brian.  He LOVES it!  This weekend, however, we will be working in the 1 year old room.  I can't wait to see how Wes likes it! Last Sunday I got moved in there due to a teacher shortage and I ended up rocking for an hour with a baby boy in each arm.  I loved it!!!

So, a lot has happened in two months.  And hopefully I will start having more time to blog!

God Grows Big Things in Tiny Hearts

It amazes me how big my son's heart already is.  He has always been so conscious of other people's feelings.  If we are at Walmart and he hears a baby crying, he immediately gets worried about them and wants to make sure they are okay.  Often times, I have had to find the crying baby and show him that they are okay.  He has done this on many occasions.  While at Target picking out my mother's day card with my mom a few weeks ago, Brian encountered a little boy and his sister in the card aisle.  The little boy was, let's just say, being less than kind to his little sis.  She was crying as her brother repeatedly smacked her around (like lots of older brothers do) but it really concerned Brian that she was upset.  So he picked out a funny, talking Elmo card (which he ended up choosing for me) and showed it to her until it made her giggle and smile.  He just couldn't stand that she seemed upset.  And now every time he sees that card he says "Little girl is happy now!"

He is also very sensitive to the people he loves.  I've been told more than once that if his best pal and cousin Addison is upset at school, he tries to console her and tell her it's okay.  I know that the times I have been sick or had a "boo boo" he asks me constantly if I am okay and if I'm feeling better.  Those tiny little lips have kissed my boo boo's nearly as much as I've kissed his.

And he hates, I mean HATES, if he thinks that someone is sad.  He wants everyone to be happy.  And if you seem unhappy, he will ask you over and over again if you are happy.  There is no room for sadness in his little world.  He is definitely an optimist, which I am thankful for because I have struggled with being quite the opposite in my life.  But something tells me that this precious attitude that he has will make his life a whole lot easier at times...

And last night as we were sitting on the couch together, he got up and brought my mother's day cards that I had displayed on the counter and said "happy mother's day!"  He wanted me to look at them again.  It was like in his own little way he was showing me he loved me and appreciated me everyday, even though mother's day was already over.  He loves to make people smile and laugh.   God can sure do big things even in the smallest of hearts.  It shows me that God is just getting started in my little boy and I am honored to be the one who gets to go along for the ride.

Pasta Florentine

Last night I made a really good pasta dish called Pasta Florentine.  It is kind of like a lasagna casserole.  It is very easy and makes a lot for a little.  It would be great for a larger family and is easy to increase! I used my gluten-free pasta which is made from quinoa and corn (which is way healthier than regular pasta anyway) and so I wasn't sure how it was going to turn out. 

 But it was yummy!  Wes and I both loved it!  Enjoy!

Pasta Florentine

What You Will Need:

1 lb extra lean ground beef

1 jar of favorite spaghetti sauce

1 box pasta noodles (I used quinoa sprials)

1 box frozen spinach (thawed)

15 oz of ricotta cheese (I will use the bigger container next time to make it extra cheesy)

4 oz. shredded mozzarella

1 T shredded Parmesan

1/4 t minced garlic

1/4 t salt

1 egg

** I also added some fresh cracked black pepper

 Directions:

1)  Cook pasta according to instructions on box

2)  While pasta is cooking, brown ground beef in pan.  Add spaghetti sauce and let simmer.

3)  Drain noodles and let cool.  

4)  Spray a square baking dish with cooking spray.  Layer cooled noodles on bottom of pan.

5)  Combine spinach, all cheeses, egg, garlic, salt and pepper in bowl.  Spread evenly over noodles.

6)  Cover with spaghetti sauce and sprinkle with extra Parmesan (optional but recommended) 

7)  Bake at 375 degrees for 25-30 minutes or until bubbly.

 

Yuck.

The reason my recipe posts have been MIA is because we usually don't cook extravagant meals on the weekends.  We eat out or do something very quick and easy because we are usually busy.  But yesterday and today I have been working on our meal plans for the next 2 weeks.  Some are recipes of my own and some I have just found and haven't tried yet.  My friend, Becky recommended a site called $5 Dinners that I found TONS of good-sounding recipes on that I am excited to try.

Oh, and last night I tried a recipe for Shrimp Pad Thai.  Pad Thai from Pei Wei is just about my favorite thing in the world to eat.  But this was NOT Pei Wei.  It was just YUCK.  I will not post that recipe just in case you were wondering ;)

The $5 Dinners website has some free printable meal planners which I am starting to use to plan out my menus for a week at a time. Here are my menu plans for the next 2 weeks along with a list of what I'll need to buy at the store.

Week 1

Week2

I will post recipes throughout the week as we make each meal!

And remember- just go to Pei Wei if you want good Pad Thai :)

Putting a Bad Habit to Rest

So I have a major bad habit of changing my blog design about every other day :)  I can never find anything I LOVE so I always change it.  But I decided that I need something familiar, something that stays the same to identify my blog.  So this is what I have decided on!  I hope you like it!  And here's to crossing my fingers that this one will stick around longer than a couple of days!