Self Absorbed

It's been a while since I have blogged.  Not that I don't have anything going on, I just haven't felt like I've had much to say.  I've even contemplated just giving up on my little blog totally.  But then I realized that even if nobody reads it or would even miss it if it were gone, it is like therapy for me.  It is a place that is mine where I have always been able to express myself- good or bad.  I can vent here without any judgement, admit my shortcomings and struggles, my hopes, and my faults.  So for that reason alone, I will probably keep it.

I have struggled so much with letting go with certain things that at times bring me so much discouragement.  Why is it so hard for us to let go of something that hurt us in the past?  Something that doesn't matter anymore?  And why is it also so hard to just accept that fact that no matter what you do in your life, there are just some things that you will never have control of?

I will admit I have a very hard time with letting a few individuals (that aren't really even an active part of my life anymore) control me too much.  And what I mean by control me is actually control my emotions.  Have you ever had someone who did something to you to the point where just the mention of their name or seeing them in a crowd made your entire body tense up?  That no matter how good of a place you are in, just one look can intimidate you and make you feel like you have been punched in the stomach?  Well, I have one.  And I haven't seen them in almost 4 years.  But I saw them for the first time about a month ago and that is exactly how I felt.  And what made it worse for me was the fact that I saw this person in my "safe place".  My church.

Yikes.  That one hurt.  I got the shaky feeling.  The fear that I was going to be ridiculed or hurt again.  My first instinct was to turn and run as fast as I could out of that church.  To be brutally honest, I thought, "Gee, Satan, you sure know my weaknesses."  I remember going to sit down with my family before the service started and leaning over and telling my sweet mother in law who I just saw in the lobby.  She said something to me that pretty much convicted me immediately, although she probably had no idea that it did.  She said, "Hold your head up and smile at her.  Because it is probably a good thing she is even here."

Wow.  It kinda all made sense to me then.  Here I was letting Satan use this situation to make me feel weak and afraid when maybe God was using it to CHANGE things.  Instead of focusing on myself, I should have been thankful that God had brought this person to church and was working in their life.  Because He sure had worked in mine.  Did me realizing this take away all those feelings immediately? No.  I wish.  But it helped me gain a better perspective that the world doesn't (surprise) revolve around me.

I made a conscious decision to have a better attitude about it and about possibly running into this person again.  I felt like I was making progress until I let myself get caught up in it again.

A few weeks later, I was about to sit down and noticed them sitting in the row behind me.  I smiled, they smiled but then what happened next made me want to cry and go back into "the zone".  They got up and moved.  At church.  That hurt.  I started to give myself a pity party.  "Why am I always made out to be the bad guy?  What did I ever do to them?  How could they do that at CHURCH?"  Blah, blah, blah.  It took my husband who thankfully is the total opposite of me in dealing with things like that, to knock me back to reality.  He lets other people's opinions of him and actions towards him roll of his back like water.  He told me that I have to stop letting the past control my present and future.  Those people who hurt me can only hurt me because I LET THEM.  Not rocket science, but you would think it was with how hard it is for me to get that into my thick skull.

I am trying really hard to let go of the past.  I am also trying really hard to pray for the people who have hurt me instead of focusing on myself.  I have also tried really hard to right any wrongs that I have done against anyone that I may not even have realized.  It isn't easy to love and pray for those who hurt you, but that is exactly what Jesus tells us to do.  And that is exactly what He did for us.  So I will keep trying.