Pictures of my little one

I thought I would add some pictures to my site of my little baby boy when he was tiny :)  He is growing up way too fast!

I didn't know my own strength

Lost touch with my soul

I had no where to turn

I had no where to go

Lost sight of my dream

Thought it would be the end of me

I thought I'd never make it through

I had no hope to hold on to

I thought I would break

I didn't know my own strength

And I crashed down and I tumbled

But I did not crumble

I got through all the pain

I didn't know my own strength

Survived my darkest hour

My faith kept me alive

I picked myself back up

Hold my head up high

I was not built to break

I didn't know my own strength

Found hope in my heart,

I found the light to life

My way out of the dark

Found all that I need

Here inside of me

I thought I'd never find my way

I thought I'd never lift that weight

I thought I would break

There were so many times I

Wondered how I'd get through the night

I thought I took all that I could take

I didn't know my own strength

And I crashed down, and I tumbled

But I did not crumble

I got through all the pain oh

I didn't know my own strength

Survived my darkest hour

My faith kept me alive

I picked myself back up

I Hold my head up high

I was not built to break

I got to know my own strength

Some of my favorite quotes

I used to collect quotes in a journal as a teenager. There is something comforting about reading another person's words that express something that you can't seem to. I still look for quotes that are meaningful to my life. Here are a few that have meant a lot to me lately that I wanted to share:

"God is closest to those with broken hearts."

"Let your tears come. Let them water your soul." ~Eileen Mayhew

"God can heal a broken heart, but He has to have all the pieces." ~Author Unknown

"You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.' ~Jan Glidewell

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." ~M. Kathleen Casey

"There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with." ~Harry Crews

"Count the garden by the flowers, never by the leaves that fall. Count your life with smiles and not the tears that roll." ~Author Unknown

Rainy Days

I love a good rainy day every now and then. It actually puts me in the mood to accomplish something, like cleaning or organizing...I usually get a lot done. But too many rainy days at once give me way to much time to think. That along with things being quiet around the office lately has made me a little down in the dumps. It has gotten me to start thinking about how lonely I am sometimes. I'm really never by myself- I always have Brian or a friend or a family member around usually. But the loneliness I feel is a different kind. I am lonely for a family of my own. Someone to come home to, to talk to about my day, someone to lean on. Someone to love that loves me unconditionally in return. On days like these, I wonder if that will ever happen for me again. Don't get me wrong, I am so very thankful for my life. God has blessed me far, far beyond what I deserve. But He also knows the true desires of my heart. When I start getting down, I have to really work at reminding myself that His plans are far greater than any I may have for myself. And that those plans will come through in HIS time- not mine. That has always been a struggle for me. I get impatient sometimes when it is something that is very dear to my heart, something I want so much. I need patience and peace for the future.

Blood work and signatures

Yesterday was an extremely busy day for me, but also a day where I was able to get a lot of important things accomplished.  Several months ago, my mom was diagnosed with having severe Celiac Sprue Disease (where your body is allergic to gluten, which is in SOO much food).  Two other family members have also been diagnosed with this diseases and it is highly genetic (if one person has it, chances are many others do, too). My mom had been struggling with stomach problems for over a year and had dropped so much weight (she was weighing in at about 100 pounds) that she was just feeling terrible all the time.  She ate like normal, but she could not do anything but lose weight.  She also felt very tired and sluggish and just plain yucky.  Since her younger brother had been diagnosed with Celiac, we decided to research it. She had many of the symptoms, so her doctor ran a blood test and her levels came back high.  The next step to officially diagnose the disease is a biopsy.  My mom's was so severe that the doctor said he didn't even need to send her biopsy off for testing because it was obvious she had the disease.  Her body had been so deprived of nutrients for so long that it has caused her to develop early osteoporosis and many other health problems. Her doctor told her that if she had any children, they should probably be tested.  I had been having some stomach and health issues myself that seem to fit the disease.  What is so crazy about Celiac is that it manifests itself in different ways in everyone who has it.  Some people gain weight; some lose it, as well as many other symptoms.  Needless to say, I put it off for many months because I do not want to give up my gluten foods :) But I got to thinking about all the damage it had done to my mom and I want to make sure that I stay healthy to raise my baby boy.  Yesterday, I finally went and had the blood work done.  If it comes back high, then a biopsy will follow.  If not, then I guess I am just a tab bit defective :)

I also got to FINALLY close on the refinancing of my house!!!!!  The only thing material thing that I really wanted to keep in the divorce was my home.  It was something that I worked very hard for and that my parents helped us to purchase, so I wanted to keep it.  More importantly, I wanted to keep it for Brian so he could have some stability in his changing life.  It is a new house in a nice neighbor hood and I wanted that for him.  I knew I could make the payments (barely!) but working it out in the divorce was more difficult than I expected.  But God provided and now the house is officially in MY name!  Althought it takes the majority of my money to make the payment every month, I wouldn't have it any other way.  I love my home because of the memories it holds and will continue to create.  I love coming home to my baby boy everyday and playing in his room.  I love taking him for walks around the neighborhood and coming home to cook a meal that he usually will not eat (haha).  And I love getting to tuck him in at night in HIS OWN room.  Sure, I could have lots more money if I had an apartment or maybe even another house.  But this was our home and I wanted to keep it that way.  I asked God so many times during the divorce to help me accept things the way HE wanted them to go.  If that had meant not keeping the house, I would have learned to deal with that.  But everything has just fallen into place!  I got a much needed raise at work last week, I got to skip 2 house payments with the refinance and a lot of my monthly bills have become much lower!  Thank you LORD!  God always looks after us!

On a side note....
When we were in Texas a few weeks ago for a shopping trip with my mom, we were having breakfast in the car outside of Whataburger (Brian loves the taquitos!).  There were some birds in the parking space beside us looking for food the entire time we were eating.  We had quite a bit of leftovers so I started tearing off pieces and throwing it out to the birds.  They were so excited!  They were even going into the bushes and telling the other birds!  Soon, birds were everywhere and they were having a feast!  Right then, Matthew 6:26 popped into my head, "Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?"   Those birds were pecking around, looking for food and then all of a sudden, they were given a feast.  The same goes for me.  So many times I am trying to make money stretch or figure out what to do, and God always takes care of me.  He always has something in store for me and it is always exactly what I need, when I need it.  He is so much better at knowing what I need than I am :)

One more thing...

Okay...So while I was on my shopping trip to Grapevine, Texas, I came across these new Sketchers.  I LOVE Sketchers- I think they are cute and sooo comfortable, so I jumped on these fast.  They are supposed to help you stay in shape just by everyday walking.  About a year ago, I tried a similar shoe called the Fit Flop (yes, I saw it on Oprah) and I liked them alot.  But these seem even better than the Fit Flops.  When I was 8 years old I was diagnosed with Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis which has done a lot of damage to my joints.  Even though it is no longer active, the damage has been done and so I still have a lot of pain in my ankles and knees.  These shoes are supposed to help that, and so far they are so comfortable!  It literally feels like you "bounce" while you walk.  So we will see if they work in all the areas they are supposed to!  Here goes!

check them out for yourself at  http://www.skechers.com/info/shape_ups/?cm_mmc=skecherscontent-_-Homepage-_-Main-_-GetDetails

Monday Mornings...

Well, I survived another weekend without Brian!  I thought it would get easier to let him go for his weekend visits with his dad, but it never really does.  I know, I know- he is only gone for 2 days, but it is just so lonely without him.  Even though it is nice to be able to go out and do things, to get stuff done around the house, and just relax, I miss his sweet smile and infectious laugh.  Some moms in similar situations say it gets easier as your kids get older, and then some (like me) says it doesn't matter- you always miss them.  Everyday, I love him more and more and he becomes more and more of his own person.  So I can't imagine EVER being okay with seeing him go (okay, maybe check back with me during his teenage years!).  Even Lady, our dog, runs to his room all the time while he is gone.  But she understands I am sad and is a very good surrogate child- except this child scratches too much!

Sometimes I wonder if Brian and I will ever be part of a bigger family again.  Will we ever find someone to build our lives with?  Is that in the cards for us?  I have always wanted a family of my own- a mommy and daddy with a love that serves as an example to their children.  I know it has only been a year and a half since the divorce, but sometimes that seems like such an unattainable dream.  I have a lot of hurt that needs to be healed and sometimes I wonder if that is even possible.  I know that if and when the time is right, God will bring the right person into our lives.  I hope that I have to wisdom to recognize that when it happens and seek His guidance in what to do. And as far as having more kids- who knows?  If God wants me to, then I will, but I also know that I have my beautiful baby boy and I will NEVER stop thanking God for that precious gift!

Right now, it is just the two of us- and I content with that :)