Sometimes I can't help but sit and think about my life now and the way it used to be. I have always been very blessed, even through my hardest times I have always had so much more than some people do. But my life has now genuinely become the "fairy tale" I've always dreamed for. Is my life perfect? No way. Do I have everything I need and more? Yes. Do I have tons of money and not a care in the world? Definitely no. But now even more than ever in my life I have realized that less is sometimes more. We are a one income family now with a whopping pile of medical bills that will probably not be ending for quite a while. But we pay our bills every month and have even somehow managed to start chipping away at those bills because God has provided for us. My nearly 3 month old baby has already faced some giant challenge in his short life so far and God is blessing us with his continual improvement. I have always known I was super-blessed in the area of family but everyday just confirms to me that the amazing family I have is rare and greatly treasured. I have a mom who is my biggest fan and my closest friend. I have two beautiful sons that I have the honor and privilege to stay home with now and make the kind of impact on their lives that I prayed I would have the opportunity for. And I have a husband who has proved far beyond my wildest dreams of the perfect man for me.
Let me tell you, God truly does know who will be our perfect match. We can spend our lives searching for that "perfect person" that meets every requirement we have set for ourselves and we can even try to force the issue if we falsely think we've found that person but find that they actually need a little help in actually becoming that right person. I can remember so many days of feeling sorry for myself because I was alone while watching so many people around me so happy with their own families. Those days would produce the "oh, I will never find anyone. I have a kid and no man will want a part of that." Blah, blah, blah. How much time did I waste focusing on the wrong things? It was only when I stopped trying to control my own destiny that God was able to take my mess and make it into something beautiful. At that time, even though I didn't know, he was getting my perfect match ready. Just like he was working on me, weeding out the things that we needed to let go of or get rid of so that we would be ready when He decided that the timing was right. Being the eternal optimist that I am- yeah, right- I never really believed that I would ever truly get what I had always hoped and prayed for. I wrongly believed from my past experiences that I would end up having to compromise on something. But God doesn't work that way. If you really just submit to His plan, He will give you the very best He has for you.
My husband is exceptional. He is unlike anyone I have ever known. He is be funniest person I have ever been around. Seriously. His sense of humor matches up so perfectly with mine. I genuinely laugh at him and trust me, they are never sympathy laughs. He is so sensitive and nurturing to me. Even if he doesn't understand the way I am sometimes, he supports me and shows genuine concern for my feelings. He is obsessed with the Food Network just like me and is the only person I can think of who I can sit and watch hours of Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives and be completely entertained while at the same time plan every single one of our future vacations together based on where we can eat the best food. We can spend hours shopping. Yes, I said shopping. I REALLY feel like I hit the jackpot on that one. And we talk. Really talk. All the time. About anything an everything. He is my best friend and I can't stand spending one night away from him.
But above all of those wonderful things and a million more that I could write about, He loves me with the love of Christ. The other morning I thought I was dreaming that he was standing next to our bed talking to me with his hand on me. But I wasn't dreaming and he wasn't just talking. He was praying over me before he left for work for he day. He would not hesitate one second to lay down his life for me our our children. He is not just standing by watching me raise Brian because he is "mine" but he
is actually investing in my son's life. He doesn't always get the credit at being Brian's dad from everyone else but he is a father in every sense of the word. He wants him to be successful and change the world someday. Brian isn't just mine anymore, he is ours. He works hard at his job, wanting to advance and make the most l every situation so that he can provide the best life for us and allow me to stay home. He never complains about why He has to do; he does it joyfully. And at the end of the day he is never too tired to get on the floor and play trains with Brian or do the dishes for me after dinner to give me a break. I love that man and he is my dream come true. Our marriage isn't perfect, but we love each other deeply and strive to put God first. And because of that, He has blessed us with a pretty perfect life in my opinion.
So my life has changed in a way that makes me want to tell everyone of God's goodness and faithfulness. Trust me, my life has been so much better in His hands than in my own.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Seam of Sky
I love reading blogs. They are what inspired me to start one. One of my favorites is by Angie Smith, a Christian author whose books I love. She posted a story today that I wanted to share.
Seam of Sky
Yesterday was our first day on the beach.
I’m not sure if you know this, but it takes approximately a year and a half to prepare 9 people for a beach day.
My mother in law made sandwiches, I was on bathing suit duty, and Todd and Dan made sure the bikes were rigged up and ready to go.
Eventually we all piled in and started the few-miles-long trek to the ocean.
I was the most excited about Charlotte, because she’s old enough to enjoy it this year and I couldn’t wait to see how she responded to the waves and wet sand.
As we rode, we kept an eye on the sky.
It wasn’t looking ideal.
Still, we pressed on.
As we neared the spot where we park our bikes, a light drizzle started. Nobody acknowledged it, I think in an attempt to pretend it was actually a gorgeous day.
We unloaded, started setting up, and I put Charlotte’s arm floaties on her.
“Charlotte, want to go see the water?”
The rain was picking up, but I didn’t care. I had this in my mind and I was going to imagine it was ideal. She started walking, but after feeling the sand in her toes she lifted her arms to me and said, “Momma hold you.”
I picked her up and walked to where the water had dampened the sand. I set her down again and made a smily face so she would see that this is actually a sensation we pay good money for, so go ahead and get your feet dirty.
She stood for a second and then stepped forward, watching behind her as her feet made little imprints.
“Mommy! Mommy!” Abby and Ellie were running toward us, and in a flash they ran past and tucked themselves in the water.
It wasn’t a light drizzle anymore.
In a matter of seconds, it had turned to a cold, angry rain. It was pelting us, willing us to turn back, and yet we walked.
I lifted my rain-speckled sunglasses away from my eyes, turned my head in the opposite direction of the wind, and laughed at Charlotte so she would see that we thought this was funny, not scary. She smiled too and kept walking.
“Momma hold the hand.” I reached down and grabbed her tiny hand as our toes touched the cold water. It lapped up on her and immediately she turned as if she were going to run back, but curiosity got the better of her and she stayed. So we stood, shin-deep in the waves as the storm dripped down from the heavens.
Hair glued to my face, white sundress soaked over my swimsuit, lips salty from covering my mouth in laughter.
And that’s when it happened.
I turned, just for an instant to see if Todd was coming down the beach, and when I did, I noticed the most peculiar thing.
The beach was full of people. Hundreds of them.
And not a single one moved.
Umbrellas raised, conversations full, and children making sand figures.
And all the while, the bitter rain fell.
In fact, it got worse as I watched them. Occasionally a few would turn their heads from the direction it was blowing, but no towels were packed, no babies bundled.
They were unmoved.
How ridiculous.
Or so it seemed.
What would make an entire beach full of people brave a thunderstorm on a damp beach? Were they desperate for sunshine, and willing their minds to see it? Just unfeeling?
From your vantage point in this story, you can’t see what we could see.
The clouds, rolling quickly to the left, and just beyond, a patch of the bluest sky imaginable.
We knew it would pass, and in a matter of minutes.
I couldn’t help but think it did look ridiculous. Well, if you didn’t know what was coming, at least.
But we do.
This is temporary.
The news tells us buildings are swimming in fire and children are left alone to die.
The paycheck is just short of covering what we needed it to.
The goodbye lasted longer than our breath could carry us.
We feel the rain, and it is cold.
We thought it would be a beautiful day, but that isn’t always the way it goes here.
And yet, we remain unmoved.
To a watching world, it must seem crazy. I’m not saying I don’t understand. How could all of these people go on? Why not pack up and call it a day? Assume that we had been forsaken?
And here we are, the bride of Christ, facing the storm with a drenched smile.
Because we know what they might not.
And as they watch on, the best we can do is point to the blue sky, crawling closer every moment. We can tell them it will be worth it. It isn’t over.
Hold your breath if you have to.
Shield your face, if ever so slightly.
But don’t you dare move. It’s exquisite just around the corner. Not just a patch of sky, but hope itself.
They say it’s ridiculous, I’m sure.
But from my vantage point, it’s only a matter of time.
There is a definitive line in the sky, where dark cloud kisses white and weather succumbs to grace.
A seam between the ages.
A promise made, intended to be kept.
And always behind the storm, a voice whispers from eternity: It is worth the wait, love.
And so we remain, eyes soaked with tears and rain.
Believing beyond our momentary affliction that all-consuming glory is near.
It is so near, love.
Come, Lord Jesus...quickly.
(from angiesmithonline.com)
Seam of Sky
Yesterday was our first day on the beach.
I’m not sure if you know this, but it takes approximately a year and a half to prepare 9 people for a beach day.
My mother in law made sandwiches, I was on bathing suit duty, and Todd and Dan made sure the bikes were rigged up and ready to go.
Eventually we all piled in and started the few-miles-long trek to the ocean.
I was the most excited about Charlotte, because she’s old enough to enjoy it this year and I couldn’t wait to see how she responded to the waves and wet sand.
As we rode, we kept an eye on the sky.
It wasn’t looking ideal.
Still, we pressed on.
As we neared the spot where we park our bikes, a light drizzle started. Nobody acknowledged it, I think in an attempt to pretend it was actually a gorgeous day.
We unloaded, started setting up, and I put Charlotte’s arm floaties on her.
“Charlotte, want to go see the water?”
The rain was picking up, but I didn’t care. I had this in my mind and I was going to imagine it was ideal. She started walking, but after feeling the sand in her toes she lifted her arms to me and said, “Momma hold you.”
I picked her up and walked to where the water had dampened the sand. I set her down again and made a smily face so she would see that this is actually a sensation we pay good money for, so go ahead and get your feet dirty.
She stood for a second and then stepped forward, watching behind her as her feet made little imprints.
“Mommy! Mommy!” Abby and Ellie were running toward us, and in a flash they ran past and tucked themselves in the water.
It wasn’t a light drizzle anymore.
In a matter of seconds, it had turned to a cold, angry rain. It was pelting us, willing us to turn back, and yet we walked.
I lifted my rain-speckled sunglasses away from my eyes, turned my head in the opposite direction of the wind, and laughed at Charlotte so she would see that we thought this was funny, not scary. She smiled too and kept walking.
“Momma hold the hand.” I reached down and grabbed her tiny hand as our toes touched the cold water. It lapped up on her and immediately she turned as if she were going to run back, but curiosity got the better of her and she stayed. So we stood, shin-deep in the waves as the storm dripped down from the heavens.
Hair glued to my face, white sundress soaked over my swimsuit, lips salty from covering my mouth in laughter.
And that’s when it happened.
I turned, just for an instant to see if Todd was coming down the beach, and when I did, I noticed the most peculiar thing.
The beach was full of people. Hundreds of them.
And not a single one moved.
Umbrellas raised, conversations full, and children making sand figures.
And all the while, the bitter rain fell.
In fact, it got worse as I watched them. Occasionally a few would turn their heads from the direction it was blowing, but no towels were packed, no babies bundled.
They were unmoved.
How ridiculous.
Or so it seemed.
What would make an entire beach full of people brave a thunderstorm on a damp beach? Were they desperate for sunshine, and willing their minds to see it? Just unfeeling?
From your vantage point in this story, you can’t see what we could see.
The clouds, rolling quickly to the left, and just beyond, a patch of the bluest sky imaginable.
We knew it would pass, and in a matter of minutes.
I couldn’t help but think it did look ridiculous. Well, if you didn’t know what was coming, at least.
But we do.
This is temporary.
The news tells us buildings are swimming in fire and children are left alone to die.
The paycheck is just short of covering what we needed it to.
The goodbye lasted longer than our breath could carry us.
We feel the rain, and it is cold.
We thought it would be a beautiful day, but that isn’t always the way it goes here.
And yet, we remain unmoved.
To a watching world, it must seem crazy. I’m not saying I don’t understand. How could all of these people go on? Why not pack up and call it a day? Assume that we had been forsaken?
And here we are, the bride of Christ, facing the storm with a drenched smile.
Because we know what they might not.
And as they watch on, the best we can do is point to the blue sky, crawling closer every moment. We can tell them it will be worth it. It isn’t over.
Hold your breath if you have to.
Shield your face, if ever so slightly.
But don’t you dare move. It’s exquisite just around the corner. Not just a patch of sky, but hope itself.
They say it’s ridiculous, I’m sure.
But from my vantage point, it’s only a matter of time.
There is a definitive line in the sky, where dark cloud kisses white and weather succumbs to grace.
A seam between the ages.
A promise made, intended to be kept.
And always behind the storm, a voice whispers from eternity: It is worth the wait, love.
And so we remain, eyes soaked with tears and rain.
Believing beyond our momentary affliction that all-consuming glory is near.
It is so near, love.
Come, Lord Jesus...quickly.
(from angiesmithonline.com)
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
A Little Info on Hudson's Condition
The questions I am probably asked most often about Hudson's condition is "what is it called?" and "what does it mean?" so I thought I would post a little information on it that made the most sense to me when I was first learning about it. That way, people can specifically know what we are dealing with and how to pray for him.
Diseases of the Red Blood Cells:
The most common condition affecting the red blood cells is anemia, a lower-than-normal number of red cells in the blood. Anemia is accompanied by a decrease in the amount of hemoglobin present in the blood. Anemia symptoms — such as pale skin, weakness, and a fast heart rate — happen because of the blood's reduced capacity for carrying oxygen. Causes of anemia can be grouped into two categories: anemia caused by insufficient RBC production and anemia caused by RBCs being destroyed too soon. (Hudson has anemia caused by RBCs being destroyed too soon).
When red blood cells are destroyed more quickly than normal by disease (this process is called hemolysis, pronounced: hih-mah-luh-sus), the bone marrow will make up for it by increasing production of new red cells to take their place. But if RBCs are destroyed faster than they can be replaced, a person will develop anemia.
Hereditary spherocytosis (pronounced: sfeer-o-sye-toe-sus). In this inherited condition, RBCs are misshapen (like tiny spheres, instead of disks) and especially fragile because of a genetic problem with a protein in the structure of the red blood cell. This fragility causes the cells to be easily destroyed.
An interesting thing about blood is that blood cells and some of the special proteins blood contains can be replaced or supplemented by giving a person blood from someone else. This process is called a transfusion. In addition to receiving whole-blood transfusions, people can also receive transfusions of a particular component of blood that they need. For example, someone can receive only platelets, red blood cells, or a clotting factor. When people donate blood, the whole blood can be separated into its different parts and used in this way.
It is so interesting to me just how unknown this disorder really is. I had never even heard of it until we started dealing with it with Hudson. Even though Wes had this same disorder, we had no idea what it was called or any real details about it. I wanted to learn as much about it as I could so I went to the library to look up some books on it. And I they did not have one single book on it!! Weird, huh? The Internet has been useful to some degree, but the Internet is also notorious for giving information that seems scary or isn't completely true or well-explained. So the best way I have learned things is to ask, ask, ask when we see a doctor. I still have a lot of questions and curiosity about this disorder that will just take time for me to feel more comfortable with.
Thank you for taking the time to pray for our Hudson and check in on him. I hope this post helped you learn a little but more about him.
Diseases of the Red Blood Cells:
The most common condition affecting the red blood cells is anemia, a lower-than-normal number of red cells in the blood. Anemia is accompanied by a decrease in the amount of hemoglobin present in the blood. Anemia symptoms — such as pale skin, weakness, and a fast heart rate — happen because of the blood's reduced capacity for carrying oxygen. Causes of anemia can be grouped into two categories: anemia caused by insufficient RBC production and anemia caused by RBCs being destroyed too soon. (Hudson has anemia caused by RBCs being destroyed too soon).
When red blood cells are destroyed more quickly than normal by disease (this process is called hemolysis, pronounced: hih-mah-luh-sus), the bone marrow will make up for it by increasing production of new red cells to take their place. But if RBCs are destroyed faster than they can be replaced, a person will develop anemia.
Hereditary spherocytosis (pronounced: sfeer-o-sye-toe-sus). In this inherited condition, RBCs are misshapen (like tiny spheres, instead of disks) and especially fragile because of a genetic problem with a protein in the structure of the red blood cell. This fragility causes the cells to be easily destroyed.
An interesting thing about blood is that blood cells and some of the special proteins blood contains can be replaced or supplemented by giving a person blood from someone else. This process is called a transfusion. In addition to receiving whole-blood transfusions, people can also receive transfusions of a particular component of blood that they need. For example, someone can receive only platelets, red blood cells, or a clotting factor. When people donate blood, the whole blood can be separated into its different parts and used in this way.
It is so interesting to me just how unknown this disorder really is. I had never even heard of it until we started dealing with it with Hudson. Even though Wes had this same disorder, we had no idea what it was called or any real details about it. I wanted to learn as much about it as I could so I went to the library to look up some books on it. And I they did not have one single book on it!! Weird, huh? The Internet has been useful to some degree, but the Internet is also notorious for giving information that seems scary or isn't completely true or well-explained. So the best way I have learned things is to ask, ask, ask when we see a doctor. I still have a lot of questions and curiosity about this disorder that will just take time for me to feel more comfortable with.
Thank you for taking the time to pray for our Hudson and check in on him. I hope this post helped you learn a little but more about him.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Joy Comes in the Morning
This is literally what happened to me this morning, bright and early. God filled my heart up with pure joy. Just like every other appointment I make to get Hudson's blood count checked, I got the earliest appointment they have- 7:45. You may think that's crazy to be at Children's hospital at 7:45 in the morning but let me remind you I am the mother of a newborn and a 5 year old early bird. The other reason we like that early appointment time is because if the results are not-so-great then we can head over to the infusion clinic to get a blood transfusion without having to come back the next day. I am getting to be such a pro that I pack extra bottles, blankets, and snacks for big brother to leave in the car just in case it ends up being an all day visit. I wasn't expecting BAD results today really, because usually at the two week mark after a transfusion Hudson's blood count isn't necessarily GREAT but usually isn't low enough to warrant another transfusion THAT quickly. I was expecting his number to be around an 8. Double digit blood count numbers would be a dream come true but something we were told would probably never be the norm for Huddie. A normal baby of his age has a red blood cell count of 9-14 and they generally transfuse when it drops past 8. So I was okay with getting an 8 because it meant we were transfusion-free for about another week. In fact, every night we pray together as a family- Wes, Brian, Huddie, and me- and Wes prayed that the results would be good but that we would just be prepared and at peace for whatever the results may be. Well, this Mama had been praying something a little differently on my own. I asked God to not only give us good results but results that were better than they'd ever been. But in my heart I also knew that if they weren't, that was okay. At least we had doctors who were monitoring him closely and we would just get through another transfusion. But when we got there this morning, I should have known this day was going to be different. First off, Hudson didn't cry one single bit when he got his blood drawn- first time that's ever happened! He actually coo'd at the nurse when he finished. Then, we actually got our results much quicker than usual. When the nurse came out and said "Hudson?" I immediately jumped up and started towards her. But then she told me to sit back down that she would come to me. Dun dun dun. She had a HUGE smile on her face as she showed me the usually dreaded circled number- a 10!! My heart lept out of my chest! She said that he was holding onto his blood so much better. I thanked her about 75 times and then immediately turned to my mom and told her about my prayer. Hudson's RBC count had NEVER been that high that long after a transfusion. The only other time he had a double-digit number was after his first transfusion. But even them they checked it only FIVE days later (not 2 weeks like this time) so it was expected to be high. My mom and I stood in front of the elevators and had chills up and down our arms at how God had answered my prayer. Even Brian fist pumped at the good news. I was prepared and at peace to have to make that dreaded walk to get the IV going but God chose to bless us today in a different way. Yes, I've actually come to even feel blessed with a transfusion because it is God's way of helping our baby. Maybe He was just waiting for me to get to that point.
So tonight I will lay my head down and thank the Lord again for all his blessings He literally pours out to us each day. And I will continue to be bolder in my prayers, asking specifically for things. I have walked around all day with a smile that you couldn't slap off my face :) Pure joy.
So tonight I will lay my head down and thank the Lord again for all his blessings He literally pours out to us each day. And I will continue to be bolder in my prayers, asking specifically for things. I have walked around all day with a smile that you couldn't slap off my face :) Pure joy.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Thank You
I have to say that there are times when I will post a prayer request for Hudson on Facebook and check back hours later and read where so many of you have responded. I can't even begin to explain how comforting and encouraging it is for me to walk into every single doctor appointment with Hudson knowing how many dear people are praying on his behalf. It is almost like a traveling support system. All I have to do is get on my phone and I am reminded of all the wonderful people God has placed in my life. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and leave a comment of concern and saying you will pray for our boy. It lifts me up more than you will ever know. There have been so many people who have blessed our family over the past 8 weeks. Thank you to those who have sent messages or texts to check on Hudson "just because". Thank you to the very special people who have reposted my prayer requests on their own page to gather more prayer warriors for him. Thank you to a sweet friend of mine who made us dinner after Hudson's first transfusion so we would have one less thing to do when we got home. Thank you to a long time family friend who took the time to send us a card to let us know she had her LifeGroup praying for our son. I know this is why our family has been able to get through the times when we have been scared, down or discouraged. I have seen examples of what true friends really are more in the last 2 months than in my entire life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Philippians 1:3
"Every time you cross my mind, I break out in exclamations of thanks to God"
Philippians 1:3
"Every time you cross my mind, I break out in exclamations of thanks to God"
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Fear
Since I had to (reluctantly) start formula feeding Hudson, Wes and I have come up with a little system that helps us both get some rest. We take turns getting up to feed Hudson since he is only waking up once a night to eat. It is so nice to know that you get a full nights rest every other night and has really helped me get better from the sickness that I've been dealing with and extreme exhaustion resulting from the stress of dealing with Hudson's disorder that I have brought on myself. That is why I am up right now and have the time to actually blog- I am on "Hudson Duty" tonight.
It is so hard to let go completely of the worry that has come with us finding out about Hudson's condition. Wes doesn't have a problem with this- he's been through it, knows its manageable and deals with it. Me, on the other hand, does what I do best- worry. Our pastor did a message on this shortly after Hudson was born (God's perfect timing) and how our greatest fears reveal where we trust God the least. When he said that, it devastated me because I never thought of my worrying as saying to God "I don't really trust you with this" but it really does! If I really trusted Him wholly in this area, then I would not have the need to worry. I can't imagine saying that to God in that way, but my actions in worrying say exactly that. I decided right then that I would consciously not allow myself to go there with worry whenever I was faced with Hudson's health in any way. I wanted to show God that I trust Him with my words AND actions. The next doctors appointment we had after that, I did exactly that. And I honestly had no worry. But then we found out we had to do another blood transfusion and you know why I started to do? Worry. I got very sick and had to spend some time in the emergency room the night before Hudson's appointment. I had a pretty nasty virus that made me have to keep away from my kids until it had passed. On top of being extremely sick and in excruciating pain, I couldn't go with Wes to Hudson's appointment the next day to check his blood levels. And that's when I decided I would not worry this time. And I didn't. Until Wes called to tell me they were on their way to get transfused. Boy, did I have a reality check with just how weak my flesh is. I was disgusted with how quickly I had decided to stop trusting God with my son's problem and start "handling" it on my own by worrying.
I have really, really felt like for the last few months that Satan has really been trying to attack my family in so many ways and attacking me by using my struggle with worrying. Back in May, Wes unexpectedly had his overtime stopped at his job which meant with me quitting work after Hudson was born, that we would be hundreds of dollars in the negative every pay day with our bills. So our options were Wes getting a second job or me continuing to work. We were upset and uncertain of what we were going to do for money but determined that my place was at home with the boys and not working. We decided that I would keep working until the day Hudson came, which came earlier than expected and as a surprise. Then came all the chaos of Hudson's disorder. And doctor appointments out the wazoo. Which meant MORE bills that we wouldn't be able to pay. And Satan just preyed on my weakness of worrying. I could sense that more than anything. I could literally see all the ways he was trying to get in my head and steal my joy and turn me away from God. But you know what happened? I kept fighting it. And even though I failed many, many times by beginning to worry, I kept fighting it. I was determined to get a grip on this disease of worrying. Kept asking God to help me overcome it and to help guide and provide for our family. And He sure did.
Wes had decided to just start applying for some part-time work to supplement our income and a few new full-time positions, too (just to see what would happen). Well, God provided a new job for him that pays him enough that it's like I never quit working (he actually got the call to come interview when we were driving home from the hospital with our new baby boy). He also blessed us when my job unexpectedly paid me a full paycheck when Hudson was born even though I didn't work a full pay period because he came early. Somehow we have been able to save enough on our grocery and gas budget to be able to slowly start paying off some of those medical bills, too. And that day of the transfusion when I couldn't be there? Hudson was a rock star and I was able to get well quickly and be with my boys again. God was faithful even when I wasn't being faithful by worrying. I know I am a work in progress and I am going to change that part of me with God helping me. I am determined to learn to live a life without worry. It seems sometimes like I will never be able to overcome that, but then I look at what God has already helped me overcome and it doesn't seem so unreachable anymore.
It is so hard to let go completely of the worry that has come with us finding out about Hudson's condition. Wes doesn't have a problem with this- he's been through it, knows its manageable and deals with it. Me, on the other hand, does what I do best- worry. Our pastor did a message on this shortly after Hudson was born (God's perfect timing) and how our greatest fears reveal where we trust God the least. When he said that, it devastated me because I never thought of my worrying as saying to God "I don't really trust you with this" but it really does! If I really trusted Him wholly in this area, then I would not have the need to worry. I can't imagine saying that to God in that way, but my actions in worrying say exactly that. I decided right then that I would consciously not allow myself to go there with worry whenever I was faced with Hudson's health in any way. I wanted to show God that I trust Him with my words AND actions. The next doctors appointment we had after that, I did exactly that. And I honestly had no worry. But then we found out we had to do another blood transfusion and you know why I started to do? Worry. I got very sick and had to spend some time in the emergency room the night before Hudson's appointment. I had a pretty nasty virus that made me have to keep away from my kids until it had passed. On top of being extremely sick and in excruciating pain, I couldn't go with Wes to Hudson's appointment the next day to check his blood levels. And that's when I decided I would not worry this time. And I didn't. Until Wes called to tell me they were on their way to get transfused. Boy, did I have a reality check with just how weak my flesh is. I was disgusted with how quickly I had decided to stop trusting God with my son's problem and start "handling" it on my own by worrying.
I have really, really felt like for the last few months that Satan has really been trying to attack my family in so many ways and attacking me by using my struggle with worrying. Back in May, Wes unexpectedly had his overtime stopped at his job which meant with me quitting work after Hudson was born, that we would be hundreds of dollars in the negative every pay day with our bills. So our options were Wes getting a second job or me continuing to work. We were upset and uncertain of what we were going to do for money but determined that my place was at home with the boys and not working. We decided that I would keep working until the day Hudson came, which came earlier than expected and as a surprise. Then came all the chaos of Hudson's disorder. And doctor appointments out the wazoo. Which meant MORE bills that we wouldn't be able to pay. And Satan just preyed on my weakness of worrying. I could sense that more than anything. I could literally see all the ways he was trying to get in my head and steal my joy and turn me away from God. But you know what happened? I kept fighting it. And even though I failed many, many times by beginning to worry, I kept fighting it. I was determined to get a grip on this disease of worrying. Kept asking God to help me overcome it and to help guide and provide for our family. And He sure did.
Wes had decided to just start applying for some part-time work to supplement our income and a few new full-time positions, too (just to see what would happen). Well, God provided a new job for him that pays him enough that it's like I never quit working (he actually got the call to come interview when we were driving home from the hospital with our new baby boy). He also blessed us when my job unexpectedly paid me a full paycheck when Hudson was born even though I didn't work a full pay period because he came early. Somehow we have been able to save enough on our grocery and gas budget to be able to slowly start paying off some of those medical bills, too. And that day of the transfusion when I couldn't be there? Hudson was a rock star and I was able to get well quickly and be with my boys again. God was faithful even when I wasn't being faithful by worrying. I know I am a work in progress and I am going to change that part of me with God helping me. I am determined to learn to live a life without worry. It seems sometimes like I will never be able to overcome that, but then I look at what God has already helped me overcome and it doesn't seem so unreachable anymore.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Honesty
I am sitting here in the doctors office for my 6 week visit since having Hudson and I have to say it is bringing up all kinds of emotions for me. The last time I was here, when I left this place, I had no idea what was about to happen. I had no idea that later that same day I would give birth to my beautiful baby boy. I also had no idea that one of my greatest joys in life would turn into one of my darkest times. After a pretty smooth delivery, we finally had our baby Hudson but quickly began to deal with what seemed like one crisis after another. First, we were dealing with what we thought was just typical jaundice. Then it soon became more seriousq as Hudson's levels grew higher and higher causing him to be on 2 bililights to bring it down and an extra 2 days in the hospital. We could hardly even hold our sweet boy. The levels would go down a bit and then back up. All this happened within 24 hours of his birth so we were told there was something causing this because it typically does not show up that fast. After many tests, our pediatrician figured out that what we were dealing with was probably spherocytosis, a rare blood disorder. Wes had this disorder as a child but we had no idea it was something that could be passed on. We found out it actually has a 50/50 chance of being passed on, so our offs weren't great. That is what caused the high jaundice so soon. I remembered hearing Wes and his mom talk about how he had to heal with this as a child. Your red blood cells are shaped differently with spherocytosis and therefore your spleen attacks them causing sometimes severe anemia. The only treatment for it is to have your spleen removed which doesn't change the shape of the cells but keeps the spleen from destroying them obviously. Wes had his spleen removed at age 9 and has been healthy as a horse ever since. But you have to be at least 5 or 6 now to have it removed. That means the only way to treat it until then is to have blood transfusions as needed. Newborns and babies up to a year are even more likely to have to have multiple transfusions as the body begins stabilizing better with age. I knew this was a possibility but I was hoping Hudson would defy all those odds and not have to have any. Here we are 6 weeks later and he has had two. The ups and downs and all the doctors appointments and blood draws have really taken a toll on me as a mom. I have physically and emotionally worried myself sick at times. It has been difficult for all of us. Watching your baby get stuck and poked with needles once sometimes twice a week is awful. Hearing the word "transfusion" in regards to your 2 week old baby is a nightmare. But even with all the negative emotions we were still able to see the goodness of God. When we went to children's hospital for Hudson's first specialist appointment, the blood disorder doctors are with the children's cancer doctors. We saw little kids with no hair from treatment. We realized how thankful we were that even though we hated what Hudson was having to deal with, we at least knew it was manageable. I have learned so many things through the last 6 weeks. I have experienced every emotion possible. Some very dark and scary where all I could do was get on my knees and cry out to God. He has sustained us with supportive family and friends and answered prayers. We have received so many blessings from others that we could never say thank you enough for. Thank you to each person who prayed for us and sweet Hudson. Thank you to all the people who donate blood on a regular basis so that kids like Hudson have it quickly when they need it. Please don't stop praying for us as we have a long journey ahead.
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