As I begin to write this blog post, I am wondering, "will people even read this since I'm not posting about it on Facebook?" I may be writing this for nothing, but hey, it's for me anyway so why not?
I am starting off this new year differently than I have any other year. Our church does a 21 day Daniel fast at the beginning of each new year and I really wanted to do it this year. After a very convincing talk with our pal Laura at church, Wes decided to bite the bullet and give up meat for 21 days! (Thanks, Laura!!) I was feeling some anxiety about it (ironic, huh?) since I am 4 months pregnant. I wanted to do it so much but was scared of not getting my little bambino enough of what it (yes, it. For 6 more days anyway!) needs. So I've done some reading, asking, and heart searching and have come to determine after one day of fruits and veggies only that I am going to add in a little protein and dairy. I just feel so yucky and shaky and just want to be healthy. And I know that the Lord knows my heart and also the little blessing inside me.
This is still huge for me though because that means no dr. pepper a day, and (gasp) no junk! You know I've had a sweet tooth this pregnancy like a big dog, so this won't be easy! Also, Wes and I decided to give up Facebook for the entire time too. This is a big deal to me. Especially on the 2 days a week I work. I live on Facebook during that time. But this is about giving up something that isn't necessary to my life and that can be distracting at times. So bye, Facebook, for now. I haven't had any huge desire to get on there, but it is is hard to be out of the loop with everyone!
I am hoping to get some major clarity and faith for some big important issues during these next few weeks. Wes has come up with a mission for our family in 2012 which I am hanging onto and learning how to do. It is learning to trust God for everything: Family, finances, etc. With some big changes coming this year, I am trying to fully rely on God and not myself for answers. Here are a few of the things I am praying about during my fast:
1. Work situation/finances with 2 babies
2. Brian's speech/school and his continual dealing with the 2 home thing (HIS BEST INTEREST FIRST!!)
3. A few people in my family
I am really already learning and it has only been one day. The biggest thing I have learned so far is that wow, how weak the flesh is. When I find myself feeling sorry for myself over something trivial as a snack or a caffeine headache, I think "man, are you selfish! Christ gave himself for you and you can't even do this without complaining?" What a humbling experience and one I have never been through before.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
The World According to Brian
Brian has had a tremendous spurt in his growing up lately. Not just physically but in personality. He is saying some of the funniest things I wanted to share with you!
At the movies Saturday night, he points to a display for the movie "Tin Tin" and says, "Oh, I saw Tin Tin when I was a little boy." Okay, #1, we did NOT see that movie. And #2, I wasn't aware that you weren't a little boy anymore, Brian :)
After trying unsuccessfully to get his markers off the shelf himself: "Hey, Wes, give me a hand."
My mom and I were talking about a sick baby at church the other day. Brian heard us and the word "baby" and immediately got concerned. "Mommy, your baby in your tummy's sick??" To which I said, "No, sweetie. Another baby is sick. By the way, who is this baby in my tummy?" to which he replied, "Baby Jesus!" Oh, Brian...
After we opened his new Sponge Bob (*cringe*) game on Christmas morning where you have to fish for plastic clams: "No, Mommy, these are scallops." I have never used the word scallops around Brian. Never. Ever. Nor has he ever eaten one.
I gave him some dry erase markers for his marker board as an early Christmas present. When he opened them he was TOTALLY disappointed and wasn't trying to hide it. He moped around the house with his shoulders slumped over and griped under his breath. When I told him I was going to give them to his cousin Addison instead, he started smiling the fakest smile I have ever seen and screaming, "I love them! Thank you! I love them!"
My mom took Brian to Target to pick out a Christmas present for Wes and me. We asked Brian that night at the dinner table if he had fun shopping with his Ninny. He said, "Yeah, we went to Target. Mommy, you got a black hat with flowers and Wes got 'jamas!"
At above-said shopping trip after school at Target, Brian saw one of the assistant teachers in his class. He was super friendly, waving and saying hi. Then he pulls my mom down and confesses, "Ninny, I not listen today!"
I really wish I had a notebook to write everything that comes out of that kid's mouth. I forget so many of them but they make me laugh so hard! How could I love him anymore?!
At the movies Saturday night, he points to a display for the movie "Tin Tin" and says, "Oh, I saw Tin Tin when I was a little boy." Okay, #1, we did NOT see that movie. And #2, I wasn't aware that you weren't a little boy anymore, Brian :)
After trying unsuccessfully to get his markers off the shelf himself: "Hey, Wes, give me a hand."
My mom and I were talking about a sick baby at church the other day. Brian heard us and the word "baby" and immediately got concerned. "Mommy, your baby in your tummy's sick??" To which I said, "No, sweetie. Another baby is sick. By the way, who is this baby in my tummy?" to which he replied, "Baby Jesus!" Oh, Brian...
After we opened his new Sponge Bob (*cringe*) game on Christmas morning where you have to fish for plastic clams: "No, Mommy, these are scallops." I have never used the word scallops around Brian. Never. Ever. Nor has he ever eaten one.
I gave him some dry erase markers for his marker board as an early Christmas present. When he opened them he was TOTALLY disappointed and wasn't trying to hide it. He moped around the house with his shoulders slumped over and griped under his breath. When I told him I was going to give them to his cousin Addison instead, he started smiling the fakest smile I have ever seen and screaming, "I love them! Thank you! I love them!"
My mom took Brian to Target to pick out a Christmas present for Wes and me. We asked Brian that night at the dinner table if he had fun shopping with his Ninny. He said, "Yeah, we went to Target. Mommy, you got a black hat with flowers and Wes got 'jamas!"
At above-said shopping trip after school at Target, Brian saw one of the assistant teachers in his class. He was super friendly, waving and saying hi. Then he pulls my mom down and confesses, "Ninny, I not listen today!"
I really wish I had a notebook to write everything that comes out of that kid's mouth. I forget so many of them but they make me laugh so hard! How could I love him anymore?!
Thursday, December 22, 2011
No More Time to Pray
This was from my devotional today on YouVersion. I am doing the Lifetime Daily Devotions Plan and it is great. It is a year long plan and I am almost at the end. You should check it out. This goes along with what I read a few days ago.
No More Time to Pray
Seeking answers . . . needing answers . . . crying for answers . . . when action now is essential, unavoidable. There's no more time for prayer.
What do I do, Lord?
We must study all the teachings and examples of the Lord. In the Garden of Gethsemane Jesus was facing the most difficult experience of His walk on planet Earth. He prayed passionately, entreating the heavenly Father three times to change the circumstances that were before Him. Not six. Not twelve. THREE (Matthew 26:36-46).
He had no more time to pray.
The circumstance was upon Him.
He believed He had Gods answer, so...
He arose and pursued the course of action open to Him.
When you are faced with your own "most difficult" experience, you may pray passionately, entreating God to change the circumstances that are before you. But when there is no more time for prayer and action is absolutely essential, you must arise and pursue the course of action open to you.
Remember, Jesus knew the plan (Luke 18:31-33) but still pleaded with God about it in the Garden. And why not? He was facing intense suffering, rejection, pain, humiliating abuse, and death. He received "no" for His answer, but also received grace to meet the coming conflict. So when it came time for action, He was ready: "Arise, let us be going; behold, the one who betrays Me is at hand!"
Remember . . .
We too receive GRACE when God says "no."
No More Time to Pray
Seeking answers . . . needing answers . . . crying for answers . . . when action now is essential, unavoidable. There's no more time for prayer.
What do I do, Lord?
We must study all the teachings and examples of the Lord. In the Garden of Gethsemane Jesus was facing the most difficult experience of His walk on planet Earth. He prayed passionately, entreating the heavenly Father three times to change the circumstances that were before Him. Not six. Not twelve. THREE (Matthew 26:36-46).
He had no more time to pray.
The circumstance was upon Him.
He believed He had Gods answer, so...
He arose and pursued the course of action open to Him.
When you are faced with your own "most difficult" experience, you may pray passionately, entreating God to change the circumstances that are before you. But when there is no more time for prayer and action is absolutely essential, you must arise and pursue the course of action open to you.
Remember, Jesus knew the plan (Luke 18:31-33) but still pleaded with God about it in the Garden. And why not? He was facing intense suffering, rejection, pain, humiliating abuse, and death. He received "no" for His answer, but also received grace to meet the coming conflict. So when it came time for action, He was ready: "Arise, let us be going; behold, the one who betrays Me is at hand!"
Remember . . .
We too receive GRACE when God says "no."
His Ways Are So Much Better Than Ours
Have there been times in your life when you wanted and prayed so hard for something to happen or change? And it seems like it is just not going to happen? That God has pretty much given you a "no" and you really don't understand why? I have. There have been a few big times in my life that I can remember where I have prayed wholeheartedly for something and just could not understand why it wasn't happening. I couldn't understand why because it seemed like something so good for me or someone I loved and it just didn't make sense why something so good wouldn't happen. Eventually, like me, we usually let go of that dream and move on. Sometimes we will still look back and wonder over time why it never happened for us and other times, God blesses us by actually revealing to us why it didn't happen in the first place. I realized this as I read this verse the other day:
"At the time I have decided, my words will come true.
You can trust what I say about the future.
It may take a long time, but keep on waiting— it will happen!"
Habakkuk 2:3 Contemporary English Version (CEV)
At the very instant I read that verse, I immediately called to mind a circumstance that I was literally miserable over, just knowing in my heart that it had to be right. But God just showed me, "Jessica, see? I had something so much better for you. It didn't happen the way you thought it should or how quickly you wanted it to, but look how wonderful it is!" I really wish that I could remember this every time I get discouraged about the way I feel like something is going in life. God's ways are soooo much better than mine.
This verse also had meaning to me for something that is happening now. As I have mentioned before, Brian had been diagnosed as having a mild speech delay back in July. We had a HORRIBLE experience with so-called "experts" trying to pin a lot of unnecessary things on my child. As a mother it hurt me and shook me up big time. Thankfully, from that point on, God brought wonderful people in to our lives who put all of those nightmares to rest for good. But unfortunately, I couldn't let go completely (as usual for me in a lot of situations) and I just kept worrying and bringing to mind every negative experience we had. What I did was put WAY too much thought into what PEOPLE thought instead of what GOD thought about it. I know that God sent those people into our lives after the bad experience to show me that "I've got this. Don't worry. And don't you worry about Brian. He is mine and I will take care of him." What I (again) failed to see was that God was working in Brian in HIS TIME. How stupid of me to take other people's comments to heart instead of knowing that with our efforts and God, Brian would get through this. How stupid of me to let myself compare my child to every other child I ever saw that could speak a little clearer or do things a little differently than Brian did. If ONLY I had saved myself the heartache and listened:
"At the time I have decided, my words will come true.
You can trust what I say about the future.
It may take a long time, but keep on waiting— it will happen!"
Habakkuk 2:3 Contemporary English Version (CEV)
So here we are, less than 5 months later and my little boy has made so many leaps and bounds that I could not even begin to tell you about them. He has a wonderful Pre-k teacher and assistants, he loves school, and he is happy. God IS taking care of Brian and I am asking His forgiveness for failing to put it completely in His hands and I'm learning to trust Him more. As I look back I can see how He wanted me to just trust in Him completely. I am learning everyday that if I do my job as Brian's mom to the best of my ability that God is going to do the rest. He is God's child first and will always work things out for his good- but in His time. Because His ways are always, always, always better than mine.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Misery loves company...or just blogging about it.
I have to just say that I am pretty miserable. I am not complaining because I am not grateful to be having this baby, because I AM! I am just baffled at how different 2 pregnancies can be!!! Seriously!! Being pregnant with Brian was the best I have ever felt in my life!! This time, not so much...
With Brian, I had sooo much energy.
With Baby Powell, I am lucky if I wash my hair once a week.
Speaking of hair...
With Brian, my hair was so shiny and my skin was so pretty!
With Baby Powell, I need an extreme makeover on a daily basis.
With Brian, by 15 weeks I had no more sickness whatsoever.
With Baby Powell, I was sicker than a dog this morning. And as I type this.
With Brian, I walked everyday in the heat of the summer and felt great.
With Baby Powell, my gym membership has remained untouched for the past 6 weeks or so and I get short of breath walking to the kitchen to get something sweet.
With Brian, I slept great!
With Baby Powell, I toss and turn all night and my tailbone and lower back feel like they have been stabbed. Repeatedly.
With Brian I had mildly sensitive gums.
With Baby Powell, I can't even smile without my gums bleeding it seems.
I could go on and on, but I won't. Because I truly am blessed to be pregnant. I honestly wasn't sure that I would be able to have another baby after Brian because of my health issues. So the fact that I am healthy and having a baby is such a blessing. I just am amazed at the human body and how it can turn on you in an instant! :)
Everyone who has a guess on the gender of Baby Powell says girl. Every single one. Wes wants a girl, Brian says "sister", etc.. I am not saying a word. Because I was wrong with my "gut" feeling with Brian so I would just say "boy" for Baby Powell because it is the opposite of what the general consensus seems to be. I just want a happy, healthy baby that gets here safely.
I'm not gonna lie- I am a little nervous that I am only 15 weeks into this and already feel miserable. Not to mention that last night while watching "New Girl" Wes pointed out what my life would be like if i were the only woman in a house of 3 boys. I have to say, folks, it wasn't pretty.
With Brian, I had sooo much energy.
With Baby Powell, I am lucky if I wash my hair once a week.
Speaking of hair...
With Brian, my hair was so shiny and my skin was so pretty!
With Baby Powell, I need an extreme makeover on a daily basis.
With Brian, by 15 weeks I had no more sickness whatsoever.
With Baby Powell, I was sicker than a dog this morning. And as I type this.
With Brian, I walked everyday in the heat of the summer and felt great.
With Baby Powell, my gym membership has remained untouched for the past 6 weeks or so and I get short of breath walking to the kitchen to get something sweet.
With Brian, I slept great!
With Baby Powell, I toss and turn all night and my tailbone and lower back feel like they have been stabbed. Repeatedly.
With Brian I had mildly sensitive gums.
With Baby Powell, I can't even smile without my gums bleeding it seems.
I could go on and on, but I won't. Because I truly am blessed to be pregnant. I honestly wasn't sure that I would be able to have another baby after Brian because of my health issues. So the fact that I am healthy and having a baby is such a blessing. I just am amazed at the human body and how it can turn on you in an instant! :)
Everyone who has a guess on the gender of Baby Powell says girl. Every single one. Wes wants a girl, Brian says "sister", etc.. I am not saying a word. Because I was wrong with my "gut" feeling with Brian so I would just say "boy" for Baby Powell because it is the opposite of what the general consensus seems to be. I just want a happy, healthy baby that gets here safely.
I'm not gonna lie- I am a little nervous that I am only 15 weeks into this and already feel miserable. Not to mention that last night while watching "New Girl" Wes pointed out what my life would be like if i were the only woman in a house of 3 boys. I have to say, folks, it wasn't pretty.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
So Many Changes
Well, here I have abandoned my blog again. Seems to happen every time. I do well for a while, and then I start to slack. So much has been going on in my life lately -wonderful things- that God has blessed my family with and I need to take the time to truly reflect on those things.
My biggest praises right now:
Brian - He is doing SO GREAT in school. I was so torn at the thought of putting him in school so soon. I just felt like he was too young (barely 4 when school started) and just wanted to do the right thing by him. I wanted to make sure he was ready so he could be successful. But when he was diagnosed with a speech delay, all I kept hearing was how going to school everyday would probably correct the problem in a short time, better than any kind of therapy. So that was my deciding factor. Thankfully, we have been blessed with a great teacher and assistant teachers and it has truly shown. He loves going to school and has met many new friends. And boy, is he learning! And the biggest blessing of all is how much his speech has improved. He is getting speech therapy at school and is learning how to speak slower. He tends to get excited and speak very fast which can cause him to be harder to understand. But now he is just talking like such a grown up. We are so proud of him and thankful that God has worked in the way he has in his life.
Our new baby- Wes and I are so excited to have a baby together. This is going to be the only baby we have together, so it is even extra special. With me having high risk pregnancies and getting older (ha!) we just feel like this is where we should stop. We don't want to put a baby or me in a dangerous situation and we feel like this is exactly where our family should be. We are due on June 16th, so that makes me right at 12 weeks. So far, everything is going great. This pregnancy has been a lot harder on me physically than Brian. Maybe it is because I already have a 4 year old :) But I seem to have to been watching a lot more. My blood pressure obviously, some issues that I did not have with Brian that can be worrying, and having Celiac disease too. I have tended to be very slack at times on my gluten-free diet since being diagnosed. Because I am not "severely damaged" by it yet, sometimes the yummy food is worth the stomach ache. But after a lot of research, I have found out that it isn't good for the baby. So I have really cracked down on no gluten. I know it will be impossible to never accidentally have any gluten, but I am being very diligent. I even had my first gluten free thanksgiving dinner thanks to my mama! It was good and I didn't feel like I was missing out at all.
Wes- Pregnancy is very hard on a woman, but it also affects everyone else. I am so grateful to have a husband who has really stepped up to help me when I am feeling exhausted or sick. I know I am on an emotional rollercoaster a lot right now, but he has been so supportive of the changes I am going through and I am thankful for that.
Monday is our 2nd doctor appointment, so I am praying that I will get some questions answered and a lot of extra stress that I have been carrying around will be relieved. Pregnancy is scary and it seems even scarier this time. I struggle with feeling 100% responsible for this baby since I am the only one "in charge" of it right now. But I'm really not. God is. So I am learning to pry open my grip on worry and put it in His hands instead.
My biggest praises right now:
Brian - He is doing SO GREAT in school. I was so torn at the thought of putting him in school so soon. I just felt like he was too young (barely 4 when school started) and just wanted to do the right thing by him. I wanted to make sure he was ready so he could be successful. But when he was diagnosed with a speech delay, all I kept hearing was how going to school everyday would probably correct the problem in a short time, better than any kind of therapy. So that was my deciding factor. Thankfully, we have been blessed with a great teacher and assistant teachers and it has truly shown. He loves going to school and has met many new friends. And boy, is he learning! And the biggest blessing of all is how much his speech has improved. He is getting speech therapy at school and is learning how to speak slower. He tends to get excited and speak very fast which can cause him to be harder to understand. But now he is just talking like such a grown up. We are so proud of him and thankful that God has worked in the way he has in his life.
Our new baby- Wes and I are so excited to have a baby together. This is going to be the only baby we have together, so it is even extra special. With me having high risk pregnancies and getting older (ha!) we just feel like this is where we should stop. We don't want to put a baby or me in a dangerous situation and we feel like this is exactly where our family should be. We are due on June 16th, so that makes me right at 12 weeks. So far, everything is going great. This pregnancy has been a lot harder on me physically than Brian. Maybe it is because I already have a 4 year old :) But I seem to have to been watching a lot more. My blood pressure obviously, some issues that I did not have with Brian that can be worrying, and having Celiac disease too. I have tended to be very slack at times on my gluten-free diet since being diagnosed. Because I am not "severely damaged" by it yet, sometimes the yummy food is worth the stomach ache. But after a lot of research, I have found out that it isn't good for the baby. So I have really cracked down on no gluten. I know it will be impossible to never accidentally have any gluten, but I am being very diligent. I even had my first gluten free thanksgiving dinner thanks to my mama! It was good and I didn't feel like I was missing out at all.
Wes- Pregnancy is very hard on a woman, but it also affects everyone else. I am so grateful to have a husband who has really stepped up to help me when I am feeling exhausted or sick. I know I am on an emotional rollercoaster a lot right now, but he has been so supportive of the changes I am going through and I am thankful for that.
Monday is our 2nd doctor appointment, so I am praying that I will get some questions answered and a lot of extra stress that I have been carrying around will be relieved. Pregnancy is scary and it seems even scarier this time. I struggle with feeling 100% responsible for this baby since I am the only one "in charge" of it right now. But I'm really not. God is. So I am learning to pry open my grip on worry and put it in His hands instead.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Self Absorbed
It's been a while since I have blogged. Not that I don't have anything going on, I just haven't felt like I've had much to say. I've even contemplated just giving up on my little blog totally. But then I realized that even if nobody reads it or would even miss it if it were gone, it is like therapy for me. It is a place that is mine where I have always been able to express myself- good or bad. I can vent here without any judgement, admit my shortcomings and struggles, my hopes, and my faults. So for that reason alone, I will probably keep it.
I have struggled so much with letting go with certain things that at times bring me so much discouragement. Why is it so hard for us to let go of something that hurt us in the past? Something that doesn't matter anymore? And why is it also so hard to just accept that fact that no matter what you do in your life, there are just some things that you will never have control of?
I will admit I have a very hard time with letting a few individuals (that aren't really even an active part of my life anymore) control me too much. And what I mean by control me is actually control my emotions. Have you ever had someone who did something to you to the point where just the mention of their name or seeing them in a crowd made your entire body tense up? That no matter how good of a place you are in, just one look can intimidate you and make you feel like you have been punched in the stomach? Well, I have one. And I haven't seen them in almost 4 years. But I saw them for the first time about a month ago and that is exactly how I felt. And what made it worse for me was the fact that I saw this person in my "safe place". My church.
Yikes. That one hurt. I got the shaky feeling. The fear that I was going to be ridiculed or hurt again. My first instinct was to turn and run as fast as I could out of that church. To be brutally honest, I thought, "Gee, Satan, you sure know my weaknesses." I remember going to sit down with my family before the service started and leaning over and telling my sweet mother in law who I just saw in the lobby. She said something to me that pretty much convicted me immediately, although she probably had no idea that it did. She said, "Hold your head up and smile at her. Because it is probably a good thing she is even here."
Wow. It kinda all made sense to me then. Here I was letting Satan use this situation to make me feel weak and afraid when maybe God was using it to CHANGE things. Instead of focusing on myself, I should have been thankful that God had brought this person to church and was working in their life. Because He sure had worked in mine. Did me realizing this take away all those feelings immediately? No. I wish. But it helped me gain a better perspective that the world doesn't (surprise) revolve around me.
I made a conscious decision to have a better attitude about it and about possibly running into this person again. I felt like I was making progress until I let myself get caught up in it again.
A few weeks later, I was about to sit down and noticed them sitting in the row behind me. I smiled, they smiled but then what happened next made me want to cry and go back into "the zone". They got up and moved. At church. That hurt. I started to give myself a pity party. "Why am I always made out to be the bad guy? What did I ever do to them? How could they do that at CHURCH?" Blah, blah, blah. It took my husband who thankfully is the total opposite of me in dealing with things like that, to knock me back to reality. He lets other people's opinions of him and actions towards him roll of his back like water. He told me that I have to stop letting the past control my present and future. Those people who hurt me can only hurt me because I LET THEM. Not rocket science, but you would think it was with how hard it is for me to get that into my thick skull.
I am trying really hard to let go of the past. I am also trying really hard to pray for the people who have hurt me instead of focusing on myself. I have also tried really hard to right any wrongs that I have done against anyone that I may not even have realized. It isn't easy to love and pray for those who hurt you, but that is exactly what Jesus tells us to do. And that is exactly what He did for us. So I will keep trying.
I have struggled so much with letting go with certain things that at times bring me so much discouragement. Why is it so hard for us to let go of something that hurt us in the past? Something that doesn't matter anymore? And why is it also so hard to just accept that fact that no matter what you do in your life, there are just some things that you will never have control of?
I will admit I have a very hard time with letting a few individuals (that aren't really even an active part of my life anymore) control me too much. And what I mean by control me is actually control my emotions. Have you ever had someone who did something to you to the point where just the mention of their name or seeing them in a crowd made your entire body tense up? That no matter how good of a place you are in, just one look can intimidate you and make you feel like you have been punched in the stomach? Well, I have one. And I haven't seen them in almost 4 years. But I saw them for the first time about a month ago and that is exactly how I felt. And what made it worse for me was the fact that I saw this person in my "safe place". My church.
Yikes. That one hurt. I got the shaky feeling. The fear that I was going to be ridiculed or hurt again. My first instinct was to turn and run as fast as I could out of that church. To be brutally honest, I thought, "Gee, Satan, you sure know my weaknesses." I remember going to sit down with my family before the service started and leaning over and telling my sweet mother in law who I just saw in the lobby. She said something to me that pretty much convicted me immediately, although she probably had no idea that it did. She said, "Hold your head up and smile at her. Because it is probably a good thing she is even here."
Wow. It kinda all made sense to me then. Here I was letting Satan use this situation to make me feel weak and afraid when maybe God was using it to CHANGE things. Instead of focusing on myself, I should have been thankful that God had brought this person to church and was working in their life. Because He sure had worked in mine. Did me realizing this take away all those feelings immediately? No. I wish. But it helped me gain a better perspective that the world doesn't (surprise) revolve around me.
I made a conscious decision to have a better attitude about it and about possibly running into this person again. I felt like I was making progress until I let myself get caught up in it again.
A few weeks later, I was about to sit down and noticed them sitting in the row behind me. I smiled, they smiled but then what happened next made me want to cry and go back into "the zone". They got up and moved. At church. That hurt. I started to give myself a pity party. "Why am I always made out to be the bad guy? What did I ever do to them? How could they do that at CHURCH?" Blah, blah, blah. It took my husband who thankfully is the total opposite of me in dealing with things like that, to knock me back to reality. He lets other people's opinions of him and actions towards him roll of his back like water. He told me that I have to stop letting the past control my present and future. Those people who hurt me can only hurt me because I LET THEM. Not rocket science, but you would think it was with how hard it is for me to get that into my thick skull.
I am trying really hard to let go of the past. I am also trying really hard to pray for the people who have hurt me instead of focusing on myself. I have also tried really hard to right any wrongs that I have done against anyone that I may not even have realized. It isn't easy to love and pray for those who hurt you, but that is exactly what Jesus tells us to do. And that is exactly what He did for us. So I will keep trying.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
